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WLOF Week 1 Predictor: Musings of the Great and Powerful Nicolas Aujula
Past Life Regression expert, Hypnotherapist, Healer and Astrologer NICOLAS AUJULA founder of KnowYourPastLife.com as seen on ITV, Channel 4 and Biography Channel can help you access soul-subconscious memories through Hypnotherapy and Regression using a natural meditative state for rapid life change, positive mindset and healing, and expert at football prognostication is here to let you know your fates to come for life and for football. Let us begin!
SUDAN WAVE FACTORY vs. MT FUJI COVIDTEERS: Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football. Shut up during the football game already! We start our predictions with the long time owner and Super Bowl XXV runner up, Jon Ommen, plying his skills against owner Warren Smith, now in his 3rd year of WLOF action. Jon brings an array of wideouts with Devnota Smith, Amari Cooper, and Brandin Cooks to bear with Aaron Rodgers and Derrick Henry in key spots. Warren counters with Lamar Jackson and Mark Andrews as his big guns with Deebo Samuel and Chris Godwin penciled in to catch the ball. Rogers will be the big wild card factor in this game, but with the 3 WR set and a measly 1.5 points from Riley Patterson Thursday night, the call is for a big Lamar Jackson Sunday. Mount Fuji by 5.
WUPPERTAL NAZIS vs. SAN FRANCISCO ASS POSSE: Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note. Alex Smith brings his feisty group to San Fran featuring Justin Fields, Chris Olave, and DeAndre Hopkins. Brock Eddelman will counter with his powerhouse backfield of Nick Chubb and Saquon Barkley. Alex is starting the season handicapped by his 2nd round pick of Jonathan Taylor who will be ineligible for 4 weeks, and Breece Hall will start the season coming off the ACL tear last year. Fields should have an advantage over Geno Smith of the Mules, but the Tee Higgins/Tyler Lockett/Mike Evans WR corps with the RB power will be too much for the Kaisers. Until Taylor plays, the Second Rate Kaisers will be just that. Ship of Mules by 8.
HAGATNA KILLERS OF DEMOCRACY vs. DUBLIN BATGUYS: The pretty lady’s boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest. The 2023 season for Collin Burnett and the Liberty Assassins will start off against Tedd Lucht and the Dublin Dark Knights. Tedd and Dublin are sporting a superstar RB grouping of Bijan Robinson and Josh Jacobs while Collin counters with his own studs of Austin Eckler, Christian Watson, and DK Metcalf. Khalil Herbert is not a bad RB 2 for our league, but Tedd does bring Keenan Allen and Dallas Goedert to the table. Dak Prescott vs. Kirk Cousins should be a wash. With Watson out, the Dublin back field is just too good not to give the nod to. Dark Knights by 2 in a close one.
SPRINGFIELD CORRUPT GOVENORS vs. WELLINGTON SMARTY STUNTMEN: You’re not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called “wizard” has a lot to explain concerning certain “reverse-aging potions.” Time to hunt that son of a bitch down yo. The Sub-Commish, Micah Bandy, enters this season anchored by a strong set of wideouts in Justin Jefferson and CeeDee Lamb, backed up by Tua Tagovailoa and T. J. Hockenson. He will face off against brother-in-law Tarl Tankersley and his group of goonish thugs, Jalen Hurts, A. J. Brown, Travis Etienne, and Drake London. This is a toss up, but given the Lions performance Thursday night racking up 6 points on Tarl’s Defense, the edge goes to the Cunning Stuns. Wellington by 2.
KADENA HURRICANES vs. THE KAWISHIWI PSYCHOPATHS: Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole. Bill Gibson begins his 15th season in the WLOF with a crew Highlighted by Dameon Pierce, D. J. Moore, Jahan Dotson, and, oh yes, Patrick Mahomes. Standing in his path week 1 is Dave Matheson, also starting his 15th season in the WLOF. Dave will bring to bear his own set of powerhouse performers led by Christian McCaffrey, Garrett Wilson, and Trevor Lawrence. The key for Kadena’s success or failure is Patrick Mahomes. He had 12.4 points on Thursday, but that is just a pedestrian game for Mahomes, a great game for almost any other QB. McCaffrey, Wilson, and Lawrence will be too much for the Typhoons to overcome without the big Mahomes performance. Killers by 3.
SPANISH MEN FOR HIRE vs. MIAMI INDIGENOUS ASS KICKERS: At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world’s greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum. They are trying to save your teeth, but they will warp your soul if they succeed. Eli Ommen, winner of Super Bowl XXII, is looking for a bounce back season in his 6th year for WLOF action with a squad consisting of Joe Mixon, James Conner, Gabe Davis, and Terry McLaurin, anchored by stud Josh Allen. Looking to get off to a hot start of his own, 2nd year owner Ray Gutierrez looks to go back to back to the playoffs bringing to the table his talented team featuring Travis Kelce, Stefon Diggs, Deshaun Watson, Jahmyr Gibbs, and George Pickens. The Taino Warriors got 4 points from Harrison Butker (good) but only 3 points from Jahmyr Gibbs (not so good) on Thursday, but more critically, no Travis Kelce this week. Kelce will be back for next week, but that will be too late to save them. Mercenaries by 4.
TALIBAN ISIS IS THE NICEST vs. FILIPINO SPINNY SPINNIES: If there is more to life than fishing, you don’t want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week. Longtime owner Mike Norris opens up his 2023 campaign against 1st year owner Mike de la Cruz in the battle of the Mikes! Norris winner of Super Bowl XXV has brought on child prodigy and new General Manger Chaser Norris to help with his franchise. The Norris group is sporting a team with the likes of Cooper Kupp, Tony Pollard, Alexander Mattison (a Vikings fan has to have at least one Viking), and George Kittle. De la Cruz has brought a talented team of his own to the fray, featuring Davante Adams, Jaylen Waddle, Kyle Pits, and Joe Burrow. Burrow and Adams will need to come up big, as Pacheco only managed 2.7 points on Thursday (due to the inept KC offense!) Yes, Kupp is out and Kittle is questionable, but the backfield of Pollard and Mattison will be too much for Cyclones. Mike de la Cruz will be defeated by the Cowboy RB he so loves. Irony. The Regime Change by 1 in a close one!
***OUR FEATURED GAME OF THE WEEK!***
OUAGADOUGOU WHINERS vs. PYONGYANG INSANE DICTATORS: After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price. Two owners who will both one day be in the World League of Football Hall of Fame renew a longtime heated rivalry with the 18th meeting of these two franchises (including playoffs but never in a WLOF Super Bowl) with the return of the “Psychic” commissioner Jason Webber who will enter his 19th season in the WLOF taking on the 2nd longest tenured owner Jason Bowen now beginning his 22nd season of WLOF ownership. Both have multiple Super Bowl appearances; both have two Super Bowl titles to their names; both are named Jason. Both enter this game with exciting lineups. Webber is touting a group including Justin Herbert, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Darren Waller, Najee Harris, J. K. Dobbins, and Brandon Aiyuk. Bowen brings forth the likes of a stud WR group with Ja’Maar Chase, Tyreek Hill, and Calvin Ridley, with the possible steal of the draft in the 6th round of Javonte Williams, if he is truly recovered from the knee injury. Bowen got a respectable showing of 9.28 points from Goff, while the “Psychic” one got a solid 6.55 from St. Brown and a meddling 3.5 from the Chiefs Defense. Yes, Waller is questionable for this, but Herbert will be the difference maker, despite the all star receiving corps for the Protesters. Calling the Isotopes by 3.
That is what the stars have aligned to say about your futures. Another prediction for you, your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do. Stay real to yourself and had a fun week 1 you World League of Footballers!
Nicolas provides a blend of techniques to give you a complete holistic healing approach though Past Life Regression, Hypnotherapy & Hypno-Analysis and insightful Astrology Advice. He also helps in predicting your sharts so you can avoid a public incident.
CLEVELAND—In response to concerns about whether his off-field behavior would risk further derailing his career, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters Monday, “I’ve learned from my mistake of using my own name at massage parlors.” “To the Browns community, my coaches, and teammates, I take full responsibility for not using a pseudonym,” said Watson, who explained that in the future he would never need to settle another lawsuit with a massage therapist accusing him of sexual misconduct, because they wouldn’t be able to track him down. “I understand now that I never should have done something like show up and say, ‘My name is Deshaun Watson, and I’m here for an appointment.’ The Browns organization and the NFL expect me to be better than that and come up with an alias. Going forward, you will never see the name Deshaun Watson on a massage parlor’s list of clients, because I’m going to use a name like Darrell Whitcomb or Derek Worth.” At press time, Cleveland police were reportedly investigating a massage parlor’s sexual harassment complaint against a customer named Weshaun Datson.
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NEW YORK—Complimenting the quarterback for the speed with which he’d acclimated to their team, members of the New York Jets coaching staff told reporters Wednesday they were impressed by how quickly Aaron Rodgers was complaining about the roster. “It’s amazing to watch how Aaron’s mind works, how rapidly he found at least one thing about every single guy on this team that he absolutely loathes,” said Jets head coach Robert Saleh, adding that Rodgers had been proactive about meeting with wide receivers Garrett Wilson, Allen Lazard, and Mecole Hardman individually to offer them personalized criticism about how shitty their play has been. “Aaron has already come to us with detailed gripes about nearly everyone, from the veterans to the rookies, and even the guys he asked us to sign. He’s already giving the offensive line the silent treatment, and he showed up to the defense’s practice to complain about those guys too. To have a veteran QB show from day one how seriously he takes grumbling about his teammates, it’s really inspiring our younger guys to bitch and moan as well. After all the controversy surrounding him coming here, we’re all just glad to see that Aaron is exactly the kind of locker-room cancer we hoped he’d be.” Jets general manager Joe Douglas told reporters that he was also impressed with how quickly Rodgers had demanded that the team’s entire coaching staff be fired.
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KANSAS CITY, MO—After being selected by the Carolina Panthers with the first pick of the 2023 NFL Draft, University of Alabama quarterback Bryce Young reportedly called his friends and family Thursday to let them know that he’s completely fucked. “Hey, Grandma, I just wanted to call to share with you that my career is basically over,” said Young, telling his loved ones that he was deeply depressed to become a member of the Panthers. “Welp, I’m totally screwed, and I wanted you to know. Now I’ll get to hang around for a couple years while their inept coaching staff tries to figure out what to do with me, and then our relationship will sour around 2027, when the front office blames me for the team’s continued lack of success. After that, I’ll get to spend the next five or six seasons as a backup on three different teams, and then I’ll retire as an all-time top draft bust. So that really sucks. I was hoping to fall a few spots so I wouldn’t get picked by the team that fucked up Cam Newton, but I guess other prospects have all the luck.” At press time, Young was spotted sobbing into his new Panthers jersey.
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited players have been asked to stand stiffly in a jersey and ill-fitting jeans while reading awkwardly from cue cards that encourage customers to come on down to Big Dave’s or Galaxy Sandwich,” said Jeff Foster, president of National Football Scouting Inc., which runs the combine, adding that the new drill had been added in response to increased desire in the NFL to ensure that a prospect would be a good match not only for the team, but also for the larger community. “During the drill, each draft hopeful works with a mediocre three-person film crew and an overbearing local sub shop owner to shoot the most ham-fisted 30-second television spot they can over a period of 12 hours. GMs and scouts want to know whether a college linebacker not only has the skills to rush the quarterback at the professional level, but also whether he’s going to be completely wooden on camera while saying something like ‘I’m gonna enjoy this sub in the end zone.’” At press time, offensive tackle Cody Mauch was rumored to be flying up draft boards after completing in his first take one of the most stilted sub shop ad spots anyone had ever seen.
New NFL Combine Drill Tests Player’s Ability To Half-Ass Taping Of Local Sandwich Shop Commercial
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MOSCOW—Warning that President Volodymyr Zelensky should think carefully about the repercussions of changing his country’s college football conference alignment, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly vowed retaliation Friday should Ukraine ever become a member of the Big Ten. “There is absolutely no reason why Ukraine needs to join the Big Ten outside of provoking Russia, and any move to apply for membership will be met with the harshest consequences,” said Putin, pointing to Ukraine’s position in the neutral firewall of countries that have long served as a geographical buffer between Russia and Big Ten members like Indiana University and Rutgers. “Any move to even increase the number of games between Ukraine and Big Ten schools will be considered an act of aggression against the Russian state and will be met with proportionate force. These universities have been stoking hostility against Russia for decades, and we caution Ukraine not to indulge their thirst for power. Frankly, this is for Zelensky’s own good. We know why the University of Michigan co-founded the Big Ten all those years ago as a vehicle for its own nefarious interests in NCAA Division I sports, and we urge Ukraine not to become a puppet of [University of Michigan athletic director] Alan Haller in a prolonged proxy season between the Big Ten schools and Russia. And everyone knows that Iowa is a bastion of bestiality and unchecked sexual perversion that would ruin the good name of the Russian people!” At press time, tensions were rising after Russia pulled their ambassador from Penn State.
POLL QUESION OF THE WEEK:
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Marjorie Taylor Green Calls Lauren Boebert A ‘Little Bitch’ On House Floor
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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) called Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CP) a “little bitch” amid GOP frustration at the Colorado Republicans’ move to try and force a vote on impeaching President Biden. What do you think?
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“I can never follow all of the legalese congresspeople use.”
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Adam Klemic - Director of Operations
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“The party needs to come together and realize the real ‘little bitch’ is high taxes.”
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Collin Burnett - Coaster Artisan
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​“Someone on Fox News said ‘woke’ a lot, and I suddenly want nothing to do with Marjorie Taylor Green.”
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Albert Pugala - Lobster Groomer
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“How can this republic function if there’s not a privileged class that can do anything?”
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Jason "Psychic" Webber - Punch Bowl Fecal Provider
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“She’s definitely got a broad coalition of people who hate her.”
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Alex Smith - SKA Historian
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“Wait, that’s Lauren Boebert? Who did I hang then?”
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Deanna Mattler - Breakup Announcer
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“Just another normal day in our hallowed halls of democracy.”
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Rochelle Perkins - Maze Architect
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“I think you need at least 50% of the House to get a resolution officially declaring someone a bitch.”
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Warren Smith - Pageant Director
NEW YORK—As the league sought to crack down on players involved in gambling, the NFL announced this week the suspension of four players for violating the DraftKings terms of use. “The players in question are receiving indefinite suspensions for conduct that goes against the basic integrity of DraftKings and everything that DraftKings stands for,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the players in question failed to abide by several key stipulations clearly laid out in the sports betting company’s legal agreement. “The league takes this matter very seriously, and we cannot permit our players to put our fans’ belief in the outcome of their DraftKings bets in jeopardy through their casual flaunting of the rules. DraftKings made these rules for a reason, whether that’s eligibility or withdrawal of prizes, and we need to punish those who violate the rules to deter future violations. These players need to remember who they work for.” Goodell also reminded the rest of the league to take the four players’ suspensions into account when placing their future DraftKings bets.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Overcome by anxiety after his frantic search turned up nothing, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly panicked Thursday after realizing he left his NFL Draft big board in an Uber. “Shit, shit, shit, I knew I shouldn’t have set it down on the seat beside me,” said Kiper, trying to piece together another list of draft predictions in the waning moments before he had to present the board on live television. “I tried getting in touch with the driver, but he’s not picking up. I called Uber tech support, and big surprise, they’re not helpful at all. I’ve been stuck in their system for over 45 minutes now, and they can’t tell me whether they can get my draft board to the studio in time. Of course, the draft board is so valuable that I bet the next rider would’ve just taken it. Oh God, I’m so worried I’ll never see it again.” At press time, reports confirmed a visibly sweaty, agitated Kiper was trying to stall ESPN’s draft coverage while racking his brain to think of a single college prospect’s name.
CHICAGO—In a discussion with reporters following the team’s practice, Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields praised the team’s receivers Wednesday for running routes despite him having no intention to ever throw the ball. “I tell these guys all the time, thank you for really putting your all into learning the routes and trying to get separation downfield even though you know there’s a zero percent chance I’m going to throw to you,” said Fields, singling out wide receivers Darnell Mooney and Equanimeous St. Brown specifically for really committing to every slant and corner route they’d run during the team’s minicamp even though he never once threw the ball their way. “Play after play, knowing that there’s no ball coming your way, I imagine that can be difficult, psychologically, for some of these guys. But they hustle and stretch the field anyway to help the team, so you have to take your hat off to those guys. You’re really giving it your all—not enough to throw you the ball, obviously, but you’re giving your all just the same.” Fields added to reporters that he had promised receiver Chase Claypool that he would make more of an effort this season to throw him more uncatchable five-yard tosses.
POLL QUESION #2 OF THE WEEK:
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Study: Sperm Counts Plunging In Western World
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A new study has found that sperm counts among men in North America and Europe have decreased by 59 percent since 1973. What do you think?
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“I wished I’d known this before executing my wife for failing to yield an heir.”
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Adam Regan - Planetarium Gaurd
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“C’mon guys! Checking your sperm count is easy! But it will cost you a load.”
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Dave Matheson - Bear Biologist
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“I’m the doorman at our local Spermbank! When sample depositors leave, I hold the door and tell them, “Thanks for coming!””
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Justin Neilson - Sperm Bank Greeter
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“I read a Harvard study where tighter underwear was shown as a cause for lower sperm count. Sperm is produced in greater amounts when the temperature of the sperm in the testicles is lower than the abdomen. So tight underwear pushes your testes closer to your body raising temperature and lowering sperm count. So I rarely where underwear anymore!”
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Collin Burnett - Free Baller Advocate
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“I’m not my father, okay?”
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Sumpta Haddad - Black Market Pharmacist
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“Did you know that a sperm bank is the only bank where you make a deposit and lose interest?”
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Justin May - Cantilever Enthusiast
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“Now that I think about it, I did notice a lot more sperm in ‘72.”
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Helen Adelman - Volunteer Projectionist
BONUS POLL QUESION OF THE WEEK:
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Study: Humans Caught Herpes From Ancient Hominin Ancestor
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A new study found that genital herpes, which affects roughly 1 in 6 adults, was passed from apes to humans by a 4-foot-tall ancestor named Paranthropus boisei. What do you think?
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“Remember, if you have unprotected sex with someone, you’re basically having sex with every prehistoric hominin they’ve slept with too.”
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Jon Krueckeberg - Lumber Merchant
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“This is an interesting topic, but I can’t discuss STD’s around my friend who has herpes. It is a real sore spot.”
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Alex Smith - Teleprompter Attendant
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“Fucking pre-hominin apes! I always knew my oozing herpes infections were not my fault!”
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Deborah Lyons - Foam Distributor
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“Herpes jokes? Am all in! What did the T-Rex with herpes get? DINOSORES! HHAHHAHHAHAAHHA! OK, OK, here is an inappropriate one, A man is at confession and say to the priest, “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I gave my child genital herpes.” The priest makes a horrified sound, then says, “That was your kid?” OHHHHHHH SNAP! A Catholic Joke and a herpes joke! OK, OK, OK, here is the closer: What’s worse than having your doctor tell you you’ve got herpes? Having your dentist tell you! HHAHHAAAAHHAHHHAAHOOOOWEE! Oh that’s rich.”
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Amy Bandy - Mock Trial Organizer
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“Gives us herpes and then goes extinct instead of owning up to it. Typical.”
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Jason Webber - Flagellation Specialist
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“Herpes my be in your pants, but remember, evolution has its hand in everyone’s genes.”
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Mike Norris - Bath Bomb Chemist
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“As a creationist, I continue to believe that all of my venereal diseases came from God.”
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Bob Ortega - Parking Coach
TOP PICKS:
The 2020 draft has the potential to bring in a new generation of fantasy players that will impact the World League of Football. Here is our preview of a few of the projected top picks at their position:
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Chase Young:
(Ohio State) DE
Easily the best pass rusher in the draft, the 21-year-old defensive end is fueled by his belief that quarterbacks are hollow and filled with candy.
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Joe Burrow:
(LSU) QB
An upstanding, mentally tough quarterback whose race can be sussed out by the adjectives used to describe him.
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Jeffrey Okudah:
(Ohio State) CB
Considered one of the best cornerback prospects of his generation, Okudah will be a valuable addition to any defense that CAN’T STOP ONE FUCKING SLANT ROUTE, JESUS CHRIST!
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Andrew Thomas:
(Georgia) OL
Thomas is projected to be selected by the New York Giants with the 4th overall pick, or in the unlikely event he falls 251 spots, by the New York Giants with the 255th and final pick.
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Tua Tagovailoa:
(Alabama) QB
The talented Tagovailoa regretfully is the only player in this draft class who is at risk of getting injured in the NFL, making him a uniquely bad prospect.
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Isaiah Simmons:
(Clemson) LB
Simmons is a dynamic defensive prospect that the Cardinals are projected to take because the last thing they need is offensive linemen to protect Kyler Murray for fucks sake!
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Mekhi Becton:
(Louisville) OL
The Jets’ reported interest in the OL has scared off other teams who initially thought Becton might actually have success in the league.
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Jerry Jeudy:
(Alabama) WR
Not yet 21 years old, it would be irresponsible and reckless to try to make any kind of predictions about the future of such a young man.
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Tristan Wirfs:
(Iowa) OL
The Bucs have their eye on Wirfs, who will be best remembered as the big guy in the background of Tom Brady’s career-ending injury.
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Henry Ruggs III:
(Alabama) WR
Ruggs has electrifying speed, which could make him the next Devin Hester. Or he might be that guy who’s fast but sucks at everything else and gets cut before the season. Who knows? We’re just guessing here.
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Javon Kinlaw:
(South Carolina) DT
Tape reveals an inconsistent player who would sometimes spend upwards of half of each game on the team’s sideline.
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Jedrick Wills Jr.:
(Alabama) OT
One of the most athletic offensive lineman prospects in the draft, Wills Jr. has many physical traits that are wasted on a job that mostly requires backpedaling with your arms extended for three to five seconds.
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Jordan Love:
(Utah State) QB
A brilliant pick if the Patriots take him and a dramatic reach if anyone else does.
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Michael Turk:
(Arizona State) P
The former Arizona State punter’s impressive 25 reps of the 225-pound bench press should position him well for the league’s new, extremely heavy football.
