Greetings all and welcome to our first weekly review.  In week 3.  Well, we do have a special treat for you today!  Doing our review this week is new NBC morning show host, Megyn Kelly!  Megyn, please take it away!
 

Thank you Micah, and thank you to all the owners in the World League of Football for letting me host this show!  After getting canned by FOX news, I have come to realize I need to appreciate the finer things in life, like allowing myself to think Donald Trump may not be the best thing for the Republican party.  Or the country.  Or human life in general.  Also, recognizing the opportunity to be the guest reviewer for a week of WLOF action for what it is.  A steep dive off a cliff for my career.  So on with the review!

 

 

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Springfield Ass Assaulted Illinois Governors (1 – 1) vs. the San Francisco Asses Afloat (1 - 1):

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You won’t be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.  What is really unknown is how the America’s division is going to shake out.  Springfield and San Francisco renew hostilities this week as both have split division games beating Orinoco and losing to Kawishiwi.  This is a real leg up game for both squads.  For Springfield, the question is whether to bench Kirk Cousins for Alex Smith, or ride out the storm of mediocrity with their 3rd round pick.  LeSean McCoy was held in check last week being the principle cause of the loss to the Killers.  Brock bounced back nicely against Lindsay but needs Le’Veon Bell to show up.  After two weeks, the Bears may be the elixir that cures Bell.  Having to bench Randall Cobb is a concern, and a 16.70 point performance Thursday night from Carlos Hyde and Greg Zuerlein has changed this from a close game to a catch-up game for the Ship of Mules.

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Slimy Governors by 8

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Chel'yabinsk Radium Infusted Putin Appologists (1 - 1) vs. the Dublin Batmen Looking for an Elliott (0 - 2):

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You’ve always said that if you were king, you’d make college free, but there won’t be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.  The King of the European division his first two years in the league has suffered an 0 and 2 start, mostly because ‘Zeke has been bleak!  Losing Edelman for the season, and now Greg Olsen for an extended period means issues, issues, issues for the Dark Knights.  But hold on.  Everyone’s favorite Russkophile, the “Psychic” one, holds the league’s 3rd lowest point total, and is waiting for Ameer Abdullah to start running up some totals.  Given that the wild card, Todd Gurley, put up 16.45 points and 3 TD’s on Thursday night, the Dark Knights get off the shnide.

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Bat Bastards by 5

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Orrinoco Suck Beasts (0 – 2) vs. The Kawishiwi Homicidal Maniacs (2 – 0):

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The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to roller-skate around naked except for the gas mask.  Our defending Champion is needing some reflective contemplation this week, or some production from Jacoby Brissett as Eli Manning is quietly killing her season.  With good matchups with Jay Ajayi playing the Jets, Golden Tate against the Falcons, and Travis Kelce against the Chargers this may be the week to get healthy!  But here comes undefeated Kawishiwi!  But Jordy Nelson is 50/50, Rob Kelley is iffy, Chris Hogan is iffy, John Brown is out, and DeMarco Murray has a bad wheel.  Lots if gimpyness to overcome.

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Annelids Blood Drive by 2

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Ouagadougou Rioting Sign Holders (1 - 1) vs. the Taliban Terrific Terror Mongers (0 - 2):

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​ Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.  Who is the leading point scoring team in the league?  Why it is Ouagadougou and Jason Bowen.  What do they win for that?  A 1 and 1 record.  The Protesters come into this game with a questionable Melvin Gordon, Rob Gronkowski, and Jimmy Graham.  But you have to like Stafford’s match up this week.  The Freedom Haters, on the other hand, have been taking punches and are still looking for their first win.  Aaron Rodgers also has a good matchup against Cincinnati and only Jordan Reed is listed as questionable.  Very close game, but giving this matchup to the Hate Police.

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Suicide Bombers by 1

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Wuppertal Half Assed Kraut Kommanders (1 - 1) vs the St Mihiel Mean Roustabouts (2 - 0):

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For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.  St. Mihiel has been shot.  Out of a cannon!  They are the hot team at 2 and 0 in the European division, and Tom Brady is just getting started.  After losing Spencer Ware, the combo of Dalvin Cook and Derrick Henry has managed to overcome that injury.  Otherwise this team is healthy and rearin’ to go!  Wuppertal, on the other hand, has the injury of the year so far in losing David Johnson for, well, the regular season.  Until Doug Martin gets back, it is Chris Johnson and a bunch of receivers.  Fortunately, they are good receivers in Brandin Cooks, Martavius Bryant, and Sammy Watkins.  But until Russell Wilson gets his head out of his ass, this is another St. Mihiel win.

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How ‘Bout Them Frenchy Cowboys? by 4

 

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Sudan Oceanic Menaces (2 - 0) vs. the Nairobi Lion Lovers (1 - 1):

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You’ve managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses’ bodies.  There is no mystery surrounding Nairobi.  It is the Andrew Luck effect.  And when your backup is Andy Dalton, yeesh.  How is Nairobi 1 and 1?  Well, Leonard Fournette, A.J. Green, and Keenan Allen help.  But when facing the top team in the league so far it may not be enough.  Antonio Brown and C. J. Anderson are pacing Jon and his Tsunami, but Lamar Miller and Terell Pryor need to get it together for this run to continue.  What am I saying?  ANDY DALTON IS THE STARTING QB FOR NAIROBI!  Blake, lay off the Andy’s.  They are very fattening.

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Wave of the Future by 6

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Hagatna Guerrilla Gangs of Guam (0 - 2) vs. the Wellington Smart Car Crashers (2 - 0):

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​ People are free to think whatever they want, but you’re pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  Many people think you have to favor the 2 and o Wellington Cunning Stunts over a newcomer at 0 and 2 in Collin’s Hagatna Liberty Assassin’s.  Guam is no place to move a football team!  Or is it?  Yes, Tarl has a very balanced lineup with no apparent weaknesses, except for Tyler Eifert’s injury.  But Hagatna has been very competitive, and is the 6th highest scoring team in the league.  Bad luck and close losses in the first two weeks, but the receiving corps of Mike Evans, Dez Bryant, and J.J. Nelson will squeak out their first win.

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Guam Time by 2

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Fiji Fly Infested Testicle Protectors of Jay Cutler (1 - 1) vs. the Kadena Irma Wannabes (1 - 1):

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To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It’s some deep shit, really.  Two 1 and 1 teams should provide an interesting matchup in the Pacific Rim division and Kadena and Fiji should fit the Bill.  No pun intended Bill.  Well maybe it was.  Who knows.  Bill should be patting himself on the back for the Kareem Hunt pick.  But Drew Brees has a tougher matchup with Carolina this week, and Jordan Howard, Antonio Gates, and Brandon Marshall have been complete busts to this point.  Justin, on the other hand, has Cam Newton against the worst Defense in the league in the Saints, Isaiah Crowell against the 2nd worst Defense in the Colts, and Julio Jones in a shootout with Detroit.  Throw in the 7.10 points for Pierre Garcon on Thursday and you have to tip this towards Fiji.

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…and My Linebacker thinks flies in his Jockey Strap are lucky by 7

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There it is Micah!  All the 0 - 2 teams win, Sudan moves on.  That's the top stories in the WLOF, back to you!

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Thanks Megyn!  Hopefully we will get most weeks in for the reviews, and look for post draft silliness soon.  Good luck week three everyone!  Sub Commish out!

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Micah

Sub Commish