World League of Football

***NOTE****  NEW UNCLASSIFIED WEBBER FACTOIDS AT BOTTOM!!!  *

He is known throughout the world as “The Psychic Commissioner”.   His exploits are legendary, his tribulations are unequalled, his charm is inexhaustible, and he has a 10 inch penis.  We are of course referring to the Commissioner of the World League of Football, Jason Webber.  1997 was a seminal year with the creation of an unextraordinary fantasy football league created by National Guardsman Aaron Castle.  This would have been like so many leagues of its nature, a fleeting thing.  But bring in one Jason “Psychic” Webber in 1998 to not only join the league, but be its Commissioner, bring in fresh ownership, and institute the first WLOF Superbowl and suddenly, the World League of Football was born. 

So who is the “Psychic” Commissioner?  Jason Webber was born at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Mojave Desert in a secret government testing facility.  Very few details have been unclassified at this time, but in 38 more years the truth can come out.  Until then, we can only go off the parts of the past we do know: 

Jason Webber’s favorite food is Spam.

Webber insists that all art going forward is pointless since the zenith of “the Human experience” has already been expressed in the 1990 release of Megadeth’s Rust in Peace. Quoted Webber, “As the unquestioned Apex of the entire history of the creative arts, Rust in Peace is the finest and last piece of human expression.  It is almost as though current so-called artists are completely oblivious to Dave Mustaine’s blistering, transcendent guitar work on ‘Hanger 18, or the fact people can’t reconcile themselves that the little sculptures and art they try to produce will pale in comparison to the brilliantly inspired, heart-stopping tempo shift halfway through ‘Holy Wars… The Punishment Due’”. 

The recent release of his autobiography, I… Where You’re Alive And They – You Write a Book About You, which has gone to #6 on the NY Times bestsellers list.  To read a few excerpts from the chapter ‘You see the past and it doesn’t hurt, I don’t know’;  “They were saying, but I thought—people in your own life were something to be thought about—and they were saying that back then, and even now, and I just thought, this is great.”  “My mom was crying, I was crying, and my dad—and I haven’t…but I thought, yeah, and the Chernobyl Isotopes were then,” the excerpt continues. “You do that.”  Press materials from HarperCollins confirmed that Jason Webber in the 855-page volume also writes about his political leanings in the chapter, ‘My time as Commissioner, and listen here because this is important, and then you go and they go and everyone goes, and you’re writing on a computer now.  And small government bailouts in nice weather, and you think: “Global Warming’s a problem.”’

Webber’s opinion on Flibanserin (the female Viagra) as to whether it is safe for use, “No, Flibanserin is not safe.  The female libido is a cloven-hoofed beast that cannot be caged.”

Webber was appointed ‘COMMISSIONER FOR LIFE’ of the World League of Football in 1998 and has served as the Commissioner for 18 years (with a two year sabbatical).

Was part of a blue panel commission by the FDA that found, after researching the effects of nourishment, food prevents hunger 98% of the time when properly used.

Jason is credited with naming the pound key [#] on a keyboard an octotroph.

Participated in NASA study that led to NASA astronomers saying “Fuck it, Dark Matter is Nitrogen.  Look, Nitrogen is a pretty stable element and it’s fairly inert so we’re ready to just come out and say that’s probably what makes up about 85 percent of matter in our universe and finally move on”.

Webber has a fascination with Banana Slugs.  Quote from recent ESPN interview, "I [Webber] have always been a fan of the Banana Slug.  I was overjoyed when UC Santa Barbra adopted the Banana Slug as their mascot.  Did you know that a banana slug is normally 6 to 8 inches long, and that their penis is just as long?  Also, their penises emerge from their head, and after sex, banana slugs eat each other’s penises.  Cool stuff!  One other fun fact; the blood from a human erection has enough blood to keep 3 gerbils alive!”

On average, 100 people per year choke to death on ballpoint pens.  Jason is related to 4 of them.

In 1993 Webber produced a paper for the American Medical Association documenting the resting temperature of male testicles.  This was shown to be on average between 94 to 96 degrees.  When asked why the study was conducted, Jason said, “So I could submit a paper to the scientific journal of New England Medicine that said, ‘So when it is 94 to 96 degrees outside, it LITTERALLY is hot as balls.’”

Webber was the 3rd to last performer cut for the Backstreet Boys tryouts.  So close!

Webber’s successful acting career was inspired when he contracted malaria working as a Gutter Sealer in the Belgian Congo.  While undergoing treatment for the disease, he hallucinated that he was a famous actor, which inspired him to pursue an acting career.  He now has 15 film credits including;

‘Rita Mahtoubian Is Not A Terrorist’  role of  Agent(voice) (2015)

‘Rob the Mob’  role of Tommy Uva (2014)

‘Gone Girl’  role of Officer James Gilpin (2014)

‘A Night with Little Richard’  role of The Douche (2013)

‘Thanks for Sharing’  role of Danny (2012)

‘Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant’  role of Evra the Snake Boy (2009)

‘The Hawk is Dying’  role of Fred (2006)

‘Wristcutters: A Love Story’  role of Zia (2006)

‘Rhinoceros Eyes’   role of Chep (2003)

‘Gigli’   role of That guy who tells Ben Affleck to do that thing (2003)

‘The Yellow Bird’  role of  Stuff (2001)

‘Hedwig and the Angry Inch’   role of Tommy Gnosis (2001)

‘Finding Forrester’   role of The Gimp (scene deleted) (2000)

‘Legion of Fire: Killer Ants!’ (T.V. movie)   role of Scott Blount (1998)

‘Boogie Nights’   role of Simon Knockers (gay porn star) (1997)

Jason Webber has two extra nipples on his back.  He refuses to have them surgically removed as he “likes the feeling of wearing silk shirts”.

He took dancing lessons for 11 years.  His teacher was the Swedish dancer Yat Malmgren.

Webber did a cameo appearance in Snoop Dogg’s ‘Neva Met’ Video.  He also made a collaborative appearance in Kurupt’s ‘We Can Freak It’ music video.

Jason Webber has medical documentation that he suffers from three phobias.  Coulrophobia - the fear of clowns, Coprophobia - the fear of feces, and Apeirophobia - the fear of infinity.

Webber invented a successful line of wigs for celebrity dogs called Buddy Rugs.

He may never learn this important phrase; “Never trust a draft bot”.  Webber was the centerpiece of the greatest drafting gaffe in World League of Football history.  In 1999, Webber warned all participants that the online drafting site for Fanball was flaky and did not work well with the Java format, so everyone one should use the HTML format and be sure to queue picks if the system “kicked” them out of the draft.  Sure enough, everyone heeded his advice, but him.  Drafting last as current WLOF Champion of the 1998 season and WLOF Superbowl I winner, he was booted off the site using Java 2 picks before he was up.  When he got back on, he had been draft botted with Barry Sanders (who had just retired a few weeks before and had not been removed by the system, so everyone had to manually go in and move him down your queue, and everyone did but you know who), and Vinny Testeverde who had just suffered a season ending injury.  His first chat response when he came back on 3 picks after the bot draft picks, “Did I just get fucked?”  Oh yes Jason.  Oh yes you did. 

***Important note to this, Webber still made the playoffs that season!***

Jason is repulsed by the smell of the Philippine stew dinugauan, made from Heart, snout, ears, intestines, lungs, all simmered in pig’s blood.  He is, however, sexually aroused by the odor of Limburger Cheese.

Jason Webber spent 2 years trying to find a word that rhymes with “Month”.

Jason spent time as a teenager in Bangladesh where he worked as a Cadaver Distributor for three years.  He then did seasonal work for Macy’s where his primary job was to knock Praying Mantises out of the Christmas Trees.

Kim Jong-un and Jason Webber do share one dream.  That of turning North Korea into “a country of Mushrooms”.  Important point, Jong-un was referring to the people behaving like mushrooms, whereas Webber is actually dreaming of turning the DPRK into one giant mushroom farm.  Spores are his fancy.

Jason Webber owns a record label and Detroit studio and has helped defend many of his clients including the Insane Clown Posse from a sexual harassment charge.  See the attached story;

PONTIAC, Mich. (AP) — An ex-publicist and lawyer for the rap duo Insane Clown Posse has sued them and their recording company, saying she was sexually harassed and asked to perform illegal acts.  The Detroit News says 32-year-old Andrea Pellegrini filed suit Aug. 23 in Oakland County Circuit Court in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac.  The defendants include group members Joseph "Shaggy 2 Dope" Bruce and Joseph "Violent J" Utsler and Psychopathic Records.  The Associated Press left phone and email messages Tuesday night for record label owner and group spokesman Jason Webber.  The complaint says Pellegrini was "subjected to constant and pervasive harassment" at the company, including being given a large sex toy. It says she was asked to obtain automatic weapons for a photo shoot.  Pellegrini worked at Psychopathic Records in 2009-2012, then was fired.  “Bitch had it comin’.”  Webber was quoted.  “She was all ‘get that dick, outta my face!’ and everything.  But she was never sexually harassed.  She was just hit on.  Sheeet.  We turned that phrase “Get the dick outta’ my face into a big hit in 2014.”

Copyright (2013) Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Case is now pending in Michigan superior court.

Jason has a degree in Social Work from the University of Kansas and has done ministry work in Denver on and off for 7 years.  Jason has co-authored the books ‘Launching an Orphan Ministry in Your Church’ and ‘Sent: A field Journal for Understanding, Capturing, and Communicating Your Missions Experience.’  He is also the Executive Producer and co-host of the If Your Were Mine DVD Adoption: A Biblical Perspective.  It should be noted that the working titles for these books were ‘Launching an Orphan into a Church’ and ‘Sent: A field Journal for Understanding, Capturing, and Enslaving Your Mission Underlings’ as well as the DVD’s title being If Your Were Mine You Would Work Like Biblical Slaves: A Biblical Perspective.  All titles were changed post production per recommendations by Webber’s publicists. 

Like everyone else outside of Indiana, Webber hates Indiana University too.  But his reason for doing so does differ.  He is furious that the Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Webber is one of 48 American’s who know that Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.  Now you do too!

Webber held high standing with the England’s Gloucestershire Cricket club, the Gentlemen, and captained the United South of England Eleven (USEE) for 2 years.

Webber has the Guinness world record for the most weight lifted by a beard.  He achieved this feet in 2005 with a weight of 63.8 kilograms.  He maintained his beard strength using an herbal shampoo.  He shaved the locks in 2007.

For any other Jason Webber news, including where the nickname “Psychic” came from, you will have to wait the 38 years for it to be unclassified.