2018 Weekly Reviews
Week 1 Wrap-Up
Greetings World League for Football owners! Welcome to our week 1 results. We were hoping for a week 1 preview, but, alas, our guest reviewer couldn’t get here until Tuesday so we have a week 1 wrap-up instead. Here to state the obvious is Mario Lopez , star of “Saved by the Bell”, “King Rikki”, and that wacky David Martin TV movie, “Holiday in Handcuffs”. Mario, take it away!
Thank you Sub Commissioner! It is a pleasure to be here, albeit late, but a pleasure none the less. Let’s see how week 1 went down in the WLOF!
TARL’S TRICK MASTERS (0-1) vs. UNDERWARE OF THE DAMNED (1-0)
There’s absolutely no reason you can’t become successful and happy in the next six months, which will make it all that much sadder when you don’t. This is the matchup of last year’s bottom dwellers in the Pacific Rim division, and here’s to hoping in six months these two teams are not in the same boat. Wellington? Deshaun Watson had a disappointing first week with only 176 yours and 1 TD to go with 1 INT. Ezekiel Elliott, Carlos Hyde, and Adam Thielen had solid if not spectacular production, but Evan Engram and Marvin Jones were pretty much no shows. Fiji countered with Russell Wilson, who put up 3 TD’s and 13.7 points, David Johnson who only had 67 yards from scrimmage but did add a TD, and Travis Kelce, who was a clusterfuck of nothingness. Fortunately for Justin, Golden and Tevon Coleman both scored TD’s. Good thing as Allen Hurns, like most Dallas players, was useless scoring 1 pt. on 20 yards receiving. End result, the TE’s crap out together, so Russell Wilson beats up on Deshaun Watson week 1, and the Jay Cutler Underwear brigade starts out on the right foot in 2018, matching their win total from 2017 right off the bat!
FIJI FLIES IN MY JOCKYSTRAP wins 48.05 to 41.65
SPANIARDS FOR HIRE (0-1) vs. KAISER’S KLOWN POSSE (1-0)
You’ll answer an ad seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile. It is a dangerous game that 3rd year owner Alex Smith, and new owner Eli Ommen are playing. Both teams had fantastic weeks, but, in this week’s bad beat, Eli Ommen and the Spanish Mercenaries score the 4th most points of the week and break the normally surefire win total of 60 points, only to lose by .39 points. Eli had no bad performances this week with kicker Mason Crosby and his 3.5 points being the low scorer. Every player he put out there had a TD or at least 100 combined yards (180 yards for TE Jared Cook and 180 yards and a TD from Michael Thomas!) but he could not overcome the Kaiser and his Drew Brees 3 TD 439 yard 20.97 point performance. Adrian Peterson also had a big day, and Antonio Brown and Rob Gronkowski did what they tend to do and Alex manages to take week 1 in a high scoring squeaker!
ACHTUNG! KAISER! wins 61.92 to 61.53
PACIFIC HURRICANE WANNABES (1-0) vs. GUAMS SMILEY HAPPY CANNON WEILDING FREAKS (0-1)
Just because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn’t mean you can, too, mostly because you’re not as good as they are. The Pacific Rim was well represented by these two franchises as they finished WLOF Super Bowl XX runner up and final four participant respectively last year. This year both teams are hungry to take another step towards a title. Week 1 goes to Mr. Bill as he gets solid performances from 2 of his studs, Julio Jones and Kirk Cousins, and 1 of his secondary performers in Emmanual Sanders 135 yards and a TD. Interestingly, both RB1’s had exacting weeks, as Bill’s Christen McCaffrey had 95 yards from scrimmage and a fumble, and Collin’s Delvin Cook had 95 yards from scrimmage and yes, a fumble. Also TE’s Benjamin Watson for Bill, and Tyler Eifert for Collin had exactly 44 receiving yards each. Collin had, what by fantasy standards is, a shitty week with shittier long term affects. Brady had a Brady day, and Randall Cobb went off for 142 yards and a TD. But the rest of the lineup was atrocious. Cook, as mentioned before, will have better days. But Doug Baldwin put up a goose egg and may have a longer term injury to his good knee. On the Bench, LeGarret Blount had -3 yards and missed most of the game with an injury. Cameron Brate did not catch a ball, Sony Michael is on IA, and the only WR backup is Dez Bryant who is not employed. I sense many waiver wire moves for Hagatna. I sense a week one win for Kadena.
CATEGORY FIVE wins 55.15 to 38.97
JAILED ILLINOIS GOVERNORS (1-0) vs. ASS ASEA (0-1)
The problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but you can’t help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon. Anytime you win a title you have a target on your back. When you are in a division unchanged since 2010 you can throw in the rivalry factor as well. Micah and the Blagojeviches come in with a lot of question mark players as they put forth Andrew Luck, Jordan Reed, Joe Mixon, and Allen Robinson as players coming off serious injuries last season. All performed well week 1 as Micah put up the high score for the week winning him…nada. We don’t pay out for winning the week. You get an “‘atta boy!” and a win. That’s about it. Keenan Allen had a good day with 108 yards and a TD, and the big story was last minute pickup James Conner was huge in this effort. The longer Le’Veon Bell stays out, the better Micah feels about his RB situation, and the more dangerous the Blagojeviches are. Brock got the short end of the James Conner stick, as he put up respectable numbers thanks to a heroic (and that is tough for a Bears fan to admit) performance by Aaron Rodgers and nice games from Dion Lewis and Demarius Thomas. Issues though are prevalent as Rodgers health is in question going forward, and Devonta Freeman, Chris Hogan, and Trey Burton were terrible! If Freeman is not injured (as reports would seem to indicate) you would expect a bounce back from these three going forward. Still, a disappointing start to the Mules season.
INCARCERATED RODNEYS win 67.22 to 47.35
ANNELIDS CAN SUCK (1-0) vs. WISCONSIN MURDER BONERS (0-1)
You’re usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you’re doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to “boogie down.” These two teams did “boogie down” as another classic America’s division rivalry that ended with the largest point disparity of the week. There is a distinct “Yikes!” for Kawisiwi, as Dave has no Carson Wentz, has lost Jerrick McKinnon for the season, and had nobody step up this week. At all. Dave took the lowest point total of the week as Dak Prescott put a measly 5.2 points up and Deandre Hopkins had a pedestrian (by his standards as the 2WR off the board) 78 receiving yards. Marshawn Lynch had the big week with a TD and 49 combined yards for 5.45 points. Zach Ertz, Jordan Wilkins, D.J. Moore, Jake Elliott, and especially the Saints Defense were all regrettably terrible. At least Josh Gordon caught a TD….for his only catch. But you have to think with Wentz and Gordon there is some hope down the tunnel for the Killers. Lindsay is facing an undetermined absence for Le’Veon Bell that nobody saw coming until this last week. She put that aside in a big way as her WR went nuts with Tyreek Hill having a career game with 169 yards receiving and 2 TD’s (he did not get credit in this league for his kickoff return TD), Ju Ju Smith-Schuster with 119 yards, and Mike Evans with 147 yards and a TD. Throw in Tyrod Tayler putting up 13.27 points (while Pat Mahomes and his 19.45 points sat on the bench! What the Fuck Lindsay?), not to mention backup WR Geronimo Allison (ex Illini!) and WR Chris Godwin both getting TD’s this week and the Leeches do not suck at WR! RBs for Lindsay? Well, let’s just say until Le’Veon comes back, she is a 3 WR team.
MURDER BONERS win 63.12 to 22.30
BATMAN RISES (0-1) vs. THE MASOCHIST MENACE (1-0)
Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch. Tedd Lucht got first shot at new owner Jeff Tice in a European division showdown, and put up one of the three shart-like performances of the week. The Batmen actually had a shot in this one as Jimmy Graham and Kareem Hunt were flat out bad week 1 for Jeff. But Tedd had it worse as Jimmy Garoppolo (granted he had a really terrible matchup against the Vikings week 1) and Leonard Fournette both struggled. Stephon Diggs did come up with a TD, and George Kittle had 90 receiving yards at TE, but somehow Alex Collins in a Ravens blowout, only managed 19 combined yards, a TD, and a fumble. That and the Chris Boswell 3 XP and a missed FG was the difference in this one. Jeff and the Masochist (not Masochists, just the one Masochist) were able to sneak away with his first WLOF win on the strength of Devante Adams late TD scamper (he did earn it with 2nd effort!) and the Ravens Defense putting up 9 points (25% of his score for the week!) Both teams need to regroup, but it is the Masstricht Masochist taking that all important week 1 win!
JUST ONE MASOCHIST. NOT MANY, JUST THE ONE wins 36.23 to 29.73
I’M NOT LION (0-1) vs. WASHED AWAY (1-0)
Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you. What has become an exciting East central African showdown twice a year, Blake Eddleman and Jon Ommen once again renewed hostilities. Jon came out on top with a less than 3 point victory of the Pride. Blake and Jon both had what would be described as average performances. Blake’s team had no big performers except for the Vikings Defense with 10.50 points, but were consistent across their lineup with Matt Ryan (actually sucking enough to be blamed for this loss) at 5.18 points, Jordan Howard a nice 5.35 points, Odell Beckham with 5.50 points, Eric Ebron at 5.55 points, and Jarvis Landry at 5.30 points. Only Dereck Henry was a disappointment with a mere 31 yards combined. Jon and the Tsunami had three big performers in Cam Newton, Melvin Gordon, and A. J. Green combined with Kyle Rudolph TD to sneak out just enough points to take the win. Jon did leave 13.30 points from Desean Jackson on the bench as his 146 yards and 2 TDs would have made this more of a blowout. But who in their right mind would start Jackson over Larry Fitzgerald? Either way, the Tsunami start out by washing out their first opponent.
HI! DID YOU ORDER A DISASTER? wins 45.23 to 42.43
TERROR TURDS (0-1) vs. I SAW THE SIGN (1-0)
Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store. The biggest rivalry the WOLF may offer is the two winningest franchises in WLOF history, Mike Norris’ Taliban Freedom Haters verses the Jason Bowen led Ouagadougou Protesters. For the first time in 7 years, neither squad made the playoffs. So, for the first time in 7 years, both squads come into the contest with a high round draft pick. Mike, sporting top pick Todd Gurley pretty much got 33% of their scoring from said Gurley with his 10.35 points. If you give some credit to Brandin cooks 93 yards and the Eagles scoring 6.50points, the rest of the Taliban lineup was an utter shit show. Nick Foles only managed 2.12 points, making Jason’s Matt Stafford’s 4.45 points with 4 interceptions look like a Hall of Fame outing. Amari Cooper, Amari fucking Cooper, got 18 yards. 9 receiving, 9 rushing. This is the second round pick for the Freedom Haters. Yikes. Even worse, Greg Olsen has once again broken his foot making Buffalo TE Charles Clay, who did not catch a pass this week, the default starting TE for the Taliban. Even worse, LeSean McCoy had just 21 yards, and Buffalo looks pathetic. With two Buffalo starters in their lineup, well, bad things. Bad things. The final bad thing, Sam Bradford managed only 1.68 points as the Cardinal starter and Derek Carr had only 3.13 points, so QB may be a struggle. There is hope Carr with improve, as he had 303 yards, but 3 interceptions is alarming. Meanwhile, Jason and Ouagadougou brings Alvin Kamara and his 17.05 points to the table. With a line of 112 receiving yards to 29 rushing yards and 3 TDs, can Kamara keep that kind of production up? Until proven otherwise he seems like he is picking up where he left off. Will getting Mark Ingram back impact this? Not my problem. Jay Ajayi had a big game with 2 TDs and 10.10 points, but that almost seem anomalous given his small number of touches. But T. Y. Hilton had 46 yard and a TD, and you have to believe that is small given Luck is healthy going forward. Troubling is Stafford’s horrid game. Also troubling is Mark Goodwin not registering a catch. Not so troubling is Adam Ekeler’s 126 yard, TD showing in a role behind Melvin Gordon. If he is going to get 15 touches or so a game you have solid depth at RB here. All in all, if Stafford can improve, you have to like the Protesters as a pick for the Third World division. But it is only week 1.
I’M MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE! wins 53.40 to 28.22
Regrettably, that is all I have time for, so to hell with you shit stains! I’m going to zoom with my bitches! I’m out!
Thank you , Mario, that was a slice of heaven. Tune in later this week for our week 2 review. Until then, good luck and may your waiver pickups be worthwhile.
Micah
Sub Commish
Mario posing with a couple of his "Bitches". To quote Mario, "The one on the left I call "Boobtacular!" The one on the right I lovingly refer to as "Wow, nice smile, but just not boobtacular". We are seen here hitting up the salad bar gangster style!
Week 2 Preview
Greetings World League for Football owners! Welcome to our week 2 review. We are on our game this week as we have B-Real, Sen Dog, and DJ Muggs here from Cypress Hill for this week’s review! As a child of the 80’s this is some dope shit! Guys, take it away!
You, ‘sup Sub Commish? We here to represent and throw down da knowledge and shit. Yeah dog, just droppin’ dat knowhow on y’all. Word to ya motha! Let’s rap out yo’ week in da WLOF and sheet.
CYCLONIC STORMFRONTS (1-0) vs. WELLINGTON STUNT MONKIES (0-1)
You’ve never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc’s 1975 hit “I’m Not In Love” was in fact in love. All you white bitches be in love and shit. Hollah. There is no thangs up in dis biatch fo' Kadena n' balla Bizzle Gibstone has ta ludd tha start ta tha season where dem Cunnin Stunts is not gangbangin game even wit a phat week dey still gots dem a week 1 loss. Needin a turnaround in a mad way yo’, Tarl is startin Deshaun Watson, hopin fo' a funky-ass betta effort from tha QB. Also needin ta show up fo' Wellington is Evan Engram, whoz ass was not a gangbangin' factor last week. Ezekiel Elliott has a gangbangin' favorable matchup as do Marvin Jones, n' tha Texans Defense is hustlin against a hobbled Marcus Mariota. Da Typhoons counta wit Julio Jones, Kirk Cousins, n' Emmanuel Sandaz comin off big-ass weeks. Da wildcard factor here is Christian McCaffrey n' his number of touches. This is tha closest matchup our crazy asses have dis week, n' we is givin dis ta Kadena.
STORMY BITCHES GET STICHES by 1
GUAM’S GUERILLA GUANO (0-1) vs. CUTLER’S COPIOUS CUPS (1-0)
Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that. Chewin’ da fat ‘bout survival, there is no thangs up in dis biatch fo' Hagatna to survive another wack effort, biatch? 0 and 2 crews historically do not make tha playoffs 87% of tha time, so Collin need ta be on his wild lil' freakadelic game dis week. Dat home slice Justin May n' tha Jockstrapz of Jay Cutla gots off ta a funky-ass bangin' start so they is lookin ta continue they phat play up in tha battle of tha Busey Cash Management homies! Holla! Yo’ yo’ yo’ check dis shit out, Fiji had Russell Wilson playin without most of his bangin receiver corps, n' Dizzy Johnston n' Travis Kelce havin bland performances last week yo, but Tevin Coleman may git mo' carries wit Devonta Freeman gimpy, n' tha Broncos Defense is hostin Oakland wit a funky-ass banged up Dizzy Carr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Hagatna has Tomothy Brady yo, but his thugged-out ass is playin tha Jaguars so there’s dis shit. Is Doug Baldwin playing, biatch? And Collin gots a Thursdizzle Night effort of 1.15 points from Tyla Eifert n' 2.80 Points from Mike Crabtree. That aint goin ta brang up in tha straight-up original gangsta win fo' Hagatna.
FLYS IN YOUR JOCKSTRAP BITCHES! By 7
IRISH ASS BATS (0-1) vs. SPANIARDS FOR HIRE (0-1)
You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying. Yo’ brin tha plane up you assholes muthafucka! These is 2 crews whoz ass lost week 1 dat is desperate fo' a win. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da Batmen had a truly wack week where Eli Ommen n' tha Spaniardz had a pimped out week only ta lose by .39 points, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is goin ta right tha shizzle up in tha European division? This would seem ta be a landslide fo' Eli n' tha Spaniards, as they put up 60 plus points last week ta tha 29 suttin' Tedd n' tha Dark Knights posted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. But Tedd gots 4.5 points Thursdizzle night outta Alex Collins, his RB2, n' if Leonard Fournette be healthy n' Jizzy Garoppolo did what tha fuck Sam Darnold did ta tha Lions last week, look up son! But then again, Fournette be a game time decision. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. And Eli is offerin Sequon Barkley, Mike Thomas, Jared Goff, n' Cooper Kupp, not ta mention a big-ass night last week by Jared Cook at TE. Even if Fournette skits on tha shitty hammy, can da ruffneck do much against tha Patriots, biatch? Givin mah home slice Eli dis one.
MERCS WHO BE JERKS by 3
GO BLAGO A BITCH (1-0) vs. KILLIN’ AND ILLIN’ LIKE A VILLIAN (0-1)
In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you’ll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn’t help. Speakin of crazy, dat shiznit was simply wild-ass dat Micah n' tha Blagojeviches had da most thugged-out points week 1 almost goin fo' 70! But dat shiznit aint goin' down again. I aint talkin' bout grits and dumplins biatch. Mixon gots a pedestrian 4.35 points, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. His hopes sit on Luck n' Reed havin a non-injury free 2nd week, Keenan Allen, whoz ass granted, be a stud, n' Jizzy Conner repeatin what tha fuck da ruffneck did last week against KC. Could happen I guess. Dizzle Dave is sufferin at RB n' QB missin McKinnon n' Wentz yo, but you can’t believe Dak Prescott, Deandre Hopkins, n' Zach Ertz is goin screw tha pooch again.. Josh Gordon is just goin ta become mo' involved up in tha offense. Callin fo' a funky-ass bounce back week fo' tha Killers.
BITCH ASS MURDERIN’ FOOLS by 4
WHAT’S UPERTALL Y’ALL? (1-0) vs. MAASTRICT DERILICT (1-0)
Da pimps up in lab coats will once mo' come fo' you one dark night dis week yo, but it’s just cuz they left one of they lab coats at yo' place last time. Straight up battle fo' tha European division y’all! Yo ass gots yo' Kaisers wit Drew Brees, Antonio Brown, Rob Gronkowski n' a rejuvenated Adrian Peterson goin against tha Colts, whereas Jeff n' tha Masochist (yo’ still be just dat one Masochist an shit) is brangin Lil' Bow Wow Roethilisburger at home, Kareem Hunt, Devante Adams, n' Jizzy Graham. Jeff has both Adams n' Graham goin against tha Minnesota Defense, which is bad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! His Ravens Defense which played Thursdizzle score 0 points, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. We is givin dis one ta Wuppertal.
BITCH ASS KRAUTS by 6
OOOOO! A DOG A DOO DOOED! (1-0) vs. SAVE THE WAVE! (1-0)
It’s time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works. Both these crews won last week so they is calculatin how tha fuck ta git ta tha top of tha 3rd Ghetto division. Bowen n' tha Protestas do have favorable matchups wit Alvin Kamara n' T. Y yo. Hilton yo, but big-ass fat oldschool question marks be surroundin’ Matthew Stafford n' Marquise Goodwin, both comin off wack games. Plus, tha normally shizzle fire Jacksonville defense has New England dis week. Fo’ shor. Jizzle n' tha Tusnami gots a funky-ass bizzle bustin 3 touchdown performizzle from A. J. Chronic fo' 11.15 points Thursdizzle night. Throw up in Melvin Gordon n' Kyle Rudolph n' tha weaker Cam Newton appearizzle last week n' tha fact Larry Fitzgerald is facin tha Rams seem ta be less ominous. Or is it Ommenous, biatch? Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck cares, biatch? Sudan be da man.
BITCH ASS TIDAL WAVE LOOKING MOFOS by 5
TIME FOR TERROR! (0-1) vs. DENIED BY THE PRIDE (0-1)
You will definitely be remembered by all people for all time, a fact that should make you feel much more shame and disappointment than it may seem. Both these crews should feel shame fo' they week 1 efforts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Mike n' tha Taliban do have Todd Gurley anchorin they crew yo, but they lineup be a pile of shits wit Nick Foles, Amari Cooper, Charlez Clay, n' LeShizzle McCoy all disappointin pimped outly. Da loss of Greg Olsen be a problem. Nairobi countas wit Mack Ryan n' Jordan Howard up in OK matchups, n' Odell Beckham n' Jarvis Landry comin off phat weeks. If Derrick Henry can git tha pole outta his thugged-out ass, dis seems like Blake can overcome tha Todd Gurley factor.
STRAIGHT UP FASHIZZLE LION DICKS by 4
LIVER REECHES (1-0) vs. FRAN SANCICSCO MIP OF SHULES (0-1)
They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you’d just take it lying down. They were wrong. You’re thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It’s a little freaky. What’s straight-up freaky is both these crews had a phat performizzle week 1 yo, but Lindsay won n' Brock lost. How’s dis goin ta go, biatch? Lindsay has a funky-ass bangin' Patrick Mahomes n' Tyreek Hill, along wit Ju Ju Smizzle-Schusta (Damn homie biaaatch! Just shorten yo' name already!) n' a sick performizzle from Mike Evans. But no Le’Veon Bell. That wild-ass ass motherfucka was at a Miami Night club dis week! Dude ain’t playin no footbizzle fo' a while. Da Mulez come up in wit thangz of they own. Aaron Rodgers status is up in tha air as he may have fucked up his knee against tha Bears. Devonta Freeman be also sufferin a strained knee n' be a game time decision. Dion Lewis n' Demarius Thomas had phat weeks last week yo, but it may not be enough ta keep Brock from 0 n' 2. Givin dis ta tha Leeches!
BITCH ASS LEECHES BETTA STAY OFF ME! by 2
Yo’ yo’ all you would be fantasy ballers muthafucka! Thank’s fo' lettin our asses rap wit you n' rap yo' bidnizz! Hope you gotz a thugged-out dope ass week y’all n' peace out!
B-Real, Sen Dog, DJ Muggs, thank you! Brings back the 80’s having Cypress Hill in the house! Tune in for our week 3 review. Until then, good luck and may your waiver pickups be Connerlike.
Micah
Sub Commish
Week 3 Preview
Greetings World League for Football owners! Welcome to our week 3 review. Hey, an 8th of the season is in the books as we come to the last divisional matchup for this interdivisional session. It will be 8 more weeks before teams get back to their divisional rivalries so big matchups this week! This week we have suckered in famous film director and master of the overuse of explosions himself, Michael Bay. Michael, the floor is yours!
Thank you Sub Commissioner. I am excited to get our reviews started with a bang! On to our first matchup.
FIJI ONE-EYED CUTLER DRAGON CONTAINERS (2-0) vs. ROTATIONAL RIM JOBS (1-1)
Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends. Fiji is just looking for a competent starting QB. Russell Wilson is a stud, no doubt, but with no Doug Baldwin, he is devoid of weapons. And blockers. Yet, for the issues Wilson has, Justin May and the Jockstraps are 0 and 2 and winning despite themselves. David Johnson has also been a disappointment as the Cardinals are just very bad. But Kelce, after a week one no show, is back, and Golden Tate has been productive, and Tevin Coleman is going to get another week of the lion shares of carries with Freeman out. Unfortunately the fun ends here as Bill and the Typhoons have a hot Kirk Cousins against the Bills (unless they get a big lead early on Defensive scores and just run the ball), and McCaffrey, Julio Jones, and Emmanuel Sanders have been good. Cousins goes for 3 TD’s and that’s the ball game.
STORMY DANIELS FAVORITE TEAM by 4
PACIFIC ISLAND HITMEN (0-2) vs. KIWI INFESTED STUNTMEN (1-1)
Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot. Keep eatin’ those Oreos Collin. One does not live by Tom Brady alone. Hagatna is in need of some play from its support roles and that has just not happened as of yet. Delvin Cook has yet to go off, and is sporting a hammy issue going into this week. Randall Cobb had a great week 1, but Cobb, Crabtree, and Dorsett have been a bit of a bust as a group. And the lack of RB 2 (Sony Michel, your my only hope!) leaves issues until Doug Baldwin returns. Wellinton, on the other hand, is playing for a 2 and 1 start and seems to have one weak spot. That is quarterback Deshaun Watson. Playing the Giants may be just what the doctor ordered. Engram had a better week last week so Tarl and the Cunning Stunts are hitting on all cylinders.
BATTERED CAR FLIPPERS by 6
GAY PRIDE BOAT BURROS (0-2) vs. MALEFICIENT MURDERING CHEESEHEADS (1-1)
It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won’t get the girl this time, either. How unfortunate. In my movies, you always get the girl, unless you get blown up. Brock and the Mules are in dire need of a win this week. Bad performances from Thomas and Burton could not be overcome by the 2 TD’s from Chris Hogan. And Freeman is still going to be out one more week (probably). T.J. Yeldon against the Titans is not a good matchup, and Dion Lewis against Jacksonville is much worse. Rodgers is not 100%. On the flip side, Dave righted the ship with a much needed win, and looks to be riding some Fitzmagic this week. Might a Carson Wentz also be an option for this week? Josh Gordon being dealt to Boston is also much needed good news but should be a big impact this week. Too many positives rolling in for the Killers, so giving this to Dave.
WISCONSIN MURDER BONERS by 7
BURKINA FASO COMPLAINIODS (1-1) vs. PRIDE AND EDDLEMANS (0-2)
If there’s one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven’t thought of it yet. The Eddleman brothers are 0 for the season so far so Blake needs to think of that one thing. Matt Ryan had a nice day last week but the Giant’s struggles have directly affected Odell Beckham. The running game of Jordan Howard and Derrick Henry has also not launched as of yet. Jason and the Protesters had Jay Ajayi issues though. Ekler and Peyton Barber are decent options, and Hilton is warming up. Kamara had 103 all-purpose yards, no TD, but you have to think the Saints are going to put more points up on the board this week. Jasons Jags have Tennessee to Blakes Vikings and the Bills. Slight tick up for Blake. It all comes down to Stafford’s effectiveness against the Patriots. I think he has some success this week so giving this be a pubic hair to Ouagadougou.
FASONATING by 1
AFRICAS FAVORITE NATURAL DISASTERS (2-0) vs. DEATH TO AMERICA! (1-1)
Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible. Closest matchup of the week! This is you pick ‘em between the 2 and 0 Tsunami and the 1 and 1 Freedom Haters. Jon has a hot lineup scoring the third most points in the WLOF so far, but Deshaun Jackson can’t stay this hot. He and A.J. Green have been the catalyst for Sudan. Mike was looking like Gurley and nothing else, but Brandin Cooks had a big week. But the Nick Foles run is over, Sam Bradford is looking like the complete turd that he truly is, so Derrick Carr is the man now for the Taliban. With McCoy being ineffective, the edge goes to Jon and Sudan.
SLOBBERIN’ SUDANINITES by 1
ROBIN’S FAVORITE BILLIONAIRE (0-2) vs. DER KAISERS GLUCKLICHER ARSCH (1-1)
Financial success continues to elude you as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise you’re enjoyable and affordable mustache rides. I am sure you will find a way Alex. Tedd, work on the ‘stache. Dublin comes in with one of the four 0 and 2 records in the WLOF and really needs a bounce back week. Good matchups exist as Garoppolo and Brieda are facing the defensively challenged Chiefs and Diggs is going up against Buffalo at home. But Alex and his magnificent mustache are sporting a loaded lineup of Brees, Peterson, Antonio Brown, Gronkowski, and Kenyon Drake. But how affective is Brown going to be with all the hoopla this week? Too many weapons for Wuppertal.
KRAUTS KRAPPING IN YOUR KOFFEE by 5
CENTRAL ILLINOIS JAILED ANAL WARRIOR (1-1) vs. ANNILIEDS A GO-GO (2-0)
Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa? Trust me, that is a great way to spice up your love life! So is owning Patrick Mahomes! Lindsay is hot tonight as she is sporting the latest in Pat Mahomes quarterbacking which includes a minimum guarantee of 4TD’s per game. Who needs Le’Veon Bell when you can have a Mahomes? If Bell comes back, Ingram gets unsuspended, and Jones gets minutes with Green Bay after his suspension, she won’t be forced to play a 1 RB lineup with Corey Clement as the 1 RB. The Blagojeviches could have used some hot sauce to pour on Keenan Allen and Jordan Reed as their lack of production ruined a chance to go to 2 and 0 by less than 2 points. Poor poor Micah. Mixon is also out for a couple of weeks with a procedure so Micah has become thin at RB. When Bell does come back and he can no longer use James Conner at RB, yikes. The 3 receiver set of Hill, Smith-Schuster, and Evans outplay Allen, Robinson, and Golladay. Oh yeah, and that Mahomes thing.
TAKE ME TO THE RIVER by 3
THE PAIN IN SPAIN (1-1) vs. THE DUTCH DESTROYERS (2-0)
Change is right around the corner for you, and it’s raising a nine-iron above its head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach. The final game we are approaching is the battle of the new owners is on! Eli is the leading point scorer in the European Division, but it is Jeff who is 2 and 0. Eli has been riding consistent scoring from his 6 starters with Cook being a pleasant surprise. The Masochist has everyone’s favorite Masochist, Ben Roethlisburger who, if home, will have a big day. On the road, like this week, Maybe not. Hunt, Adams, and Graham have good matchups, but I am leaning towards giving this to the Mercenaries due to the Big Ben road game. Close one!
EL MACHO MERCENERIOS by 2
Well, this was a blast! I am off to our shoot location in Nevada as we have 15 explosions to shoot today for Transformers 5: I hate you so fuck the plot, here are 100 explosions with Big Ass Robots! Bye all!
Thank you Michael! We do appreciate you spending some of your time and wisdom with us. As always, good luck to all, and may all your waiver wire pickups not have Blaine Gabbart as your quarterback.
Micah
Sub Commish
Week 4 Preview
Greetings World League for Football owners! Welcome to our week 4 review! We have a treat for you this week! Fresh from his 14 day stint in jail for his part in the Trump Russian collusion scandal, I give you George Papadopoulos! It makes me giddy to get to meet someone so closely involved in the destabilization of our country. George the floor is yours!
Thanks a mellon Sub Commissioner. I have been thinking about who I wanted to approach this opportunity the entire 14 days I was unjustly detained. I am looking forward to giving you my insights on week 4 in the World League of Football! Onward!
THAT DAMN TSUNAMI MAN (3-0) vs. THE TYPHOON OF DOOM (2-1)
You’ll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterwards you’ll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to waterski. We start off with a powerhouse battle between division leaders with Sudan and Kadena squaring off. Sudan takes one of the two remaining unbeaten records into this week. Working against Kadena is Cam Newton’s bye week, forcing Jon to put Case Keenum in his lineup. Good news there, Keenum is facing K.C. at home, so he has a favorable matchup. The bigger question is how healthy is A.J. Green? Bill and the Typhoons are looking for a better week from Kirk Cousins who was a mess against the Bills last week due to his offensive line. Stephen Ridley also stole the show from Julio Jones, so Bill is needing a bigger effort from the star receiver against the Bengals. Pretty even matchup, but I foresee Cousins pulling off a Trumplike election win and giving this to Kadena.
BLOWIN’ IN THE HURRICANE FORCE WIND by 2
LIONS ARE FOREVER (1-2) vs. HAGATNA GET A WIN SOON (0-3)
When all’s been said and all’s been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about three PM next Wednesday. Sigh. Oh Collin. One does not live by Tom Brady alone. And when Tom Brady has nobody to throw to, it is a bad, bad, day. Hagatna is left with its first round pick, Delvin Cook, on the bench for probably another week with a bad hammy, Doug Baldwin still out, and it’s other big dog, Brady, stuck with no receivers until Edelman and Josh Gordon get back. Yes, down the road, these 3 can become big time again, but will it be too late? Blake and Nairobi got off the snide last week, and, with a healthy lineup led by 5TD QB Matt Ryan, and no bye week issues, this is going to go to the Pride.
YOUR GONNA HERE ME ROAR by 10
BEARDED EXTREMISTS OF QUESTIONABLE MORAL TURPITUDE (1-2) vs. FIJI FUNTIME CUP KEEPERS (2-1)
Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. In order to gain those superpowers you’ve been looking for, eat a quarter of a million of them. The Taliban got a much needed first win and are looking to even their record. Todd Gurley can’t do it alone, but a showdown with the Vikings puts a bit of a damper on Gurley and teammeat Brandin Cooks. Justin and Fiji have been hot, this week getting 3 TD’s from Ridley and better performances from David Johnson and Golden Tate. Even Russell Wilson was decent. To make a long story short, do you see the 4 Terrible “C”’s of the Taliban, Clay, Cooper, McCoy, and Carr over coming the Cutler’s? Nope.
STRAP IT ON by 5
#ME TOO MOVEMENT PICKETTERS (1-2) vs. SUPER SLY AND SUPER FLY STUNT DOUBLES (2-1)
A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin. The adventure continues for Jason Bowen and Ouagadougou. Good weeks from Stafford, Kamara and Goodwin (finally) did not pay off against Nairobi. With Garoppolo out, how good with Goodwin be? Tarl and the Stunts have been good despite the struggles of Deshaun Watson. Thielen and Elliott have been good, and Carlos Hyde has been surging with the Browns. Going to go with the hot hand and pick the Kiwis in a close one.
KIWI DAREDEVILS by 3
DISMEMBERED MURDER VICTIMS (2-1) vs. ACHTUNG DUMM ASS! (2-1)
Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you’ve been living lately. Set your locks accordingly. Is Fitzmagic going to continue against the Bears? Maybe. Maybe not. Unfortunately, Prescottmagic is not a thing, and may never be a thing. Carson Wentz is looming as a possible starter, but he may be a few weeks away from being himself. Same thing for Josh Gordon. Dave has some difficult lineup decisions. Alex, on the other hand, has Adrian Peterson, C.J. Anderson, and Devin Funchess all on bye weeks. So it is pretty straight forward to have Brees, Crowell, Antonio Brown, Kenyon Drake, and Gronk go. Will Gronk get a chance to not be double teamed this week? Irrelevant. Brees with 4 TD’s. Giving it to Wuppertal.
OBERFUREUR ALEX by 2
ATTACH, DRINK BLOOD, FALL OFF (3-0) vs. THE PAIN IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY ON THE PLAIN (2-1)
You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night. For a team missing the suspended Mark Ingram for one more week, and the indefinite holdout that his Le’Veon Bell, Lindsay and Orrinoco are sure a hot team. Pat Mahomes will do that for you. And a trio of recievers like Tyreek Hill, Ju-Ju Smith-Schuster and Mike Evans will definitely help. But this week she is facing the up and coming youngster Eli Ommen and his Spanish Mercenaries. Ommen has taken command of the European division, and would also be undefeated if his 60 point performance week one had not been topped by less than half a point. Sporting red hot Jared Goff, Michael Thomas, Cooper Kupp, and Saquon Barkley the Giants/Saints game is going to be a must watch form Eli and Lindsay. Going to say the RB play decides this for the Mercenaries.
MAURADING MERCS by 6
BATMAN’S BUTT BUDDIES (0-3) vs. AQUATIC ASSES (0-3)
A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch. Good advice for two of the WLOF’s 3 remaining defeated teams. Good news, one of these teams will get their first win! Bad news, one of these teams will get their 4th loss. It is just one of those seasons for Tedd. First round pick Leonard Fornette is still out, Julian Edelman has one more week on his suspension, and now starting QB Jimmy Garoppolo has a season ending injury putting Sam Darnold in the driver’s seat. Brock counters with the injured Aaron Rodgers who is playing through a knee issue, and not much else until Devonte Freeman returns. But this week, it is enough.
MULE FUEL by 7
THE ODD RODS (1-2) vs. FAMOUS DUTCH VILLIAN GOLDMEMBER (2-1)
An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world’s population being cut by a third. That’s a tough break, but drafting Andrew Luck is not a tough break. It’s a choice. Yes, he was the 9th QB taken, but what if the Blagojeviches had waited a round and taken Phillip Rivers? Or Patrick Mahomes? Such is the fate of the foolish. Jeff brings in a hot Ben Roethlisburger playing at home and a Kareem Hunt going against Denver. Mike has Jordan Reed and the Panthers on the bye week so he will be playing someone from the waiver wire. Micah does have James Conner who might help offset any success Ben Roethlisburger has, but don’t hold your breath. Going with the Masochist.
THAT SINGLE DUTCHMAN by 3
O.K. this sure beats jail! But not by that much. It was real and it was fun, but it sure wasn’t real fun. Bye all!
Thank you George! We do appreciate you dropping some of your wisdom on us. As always, good luck to all, and may all your waiver wire pickups be filled with 3rd string TE’s who get at least 3 targets. Until next week!
Micah
Sub Commish
George Papadopoulis colluding with Russian offical. Here is the what the Russian news outlet had to say: Δεν γνωρίζω ποιο από τα δύο συμβαίνουν, ίσως και τα δύο, αλλά η περίπτωση του νεαρού Τζόρτζ Παπαδόπουλου, δείχνει τη μη σοβαρότητα του αμερικανικού πολιτικού συστήματος, αλλά και τη χαλαρότητα με την οποία αντιμετώπισε την εκστρατεία του για την Προεδρία ο σημερινός Πρόεδρος Ντόναλντ Τραμπ.
Week 5 Preview
Welcome to week 5 owners of the World League of Football! We have a real treat for you this week! Famed singer/songwriter Rebecca Black is here this week to impart some football knowledge to everyone! Hi Rebecca!
“Hi Micah! Thank you for inviting me to World League of Football Headquarters!”
Before we start with the preview, I want to ask you a few questions about your song “Friday” which I feel is way underappreciated.
“Uh, sure! I will answer any questions you have on “Friday”!”
So Rebecca, “Friday” has led to countless conspiracy theories as it seems like an innocuous, even clumsy song, but the truth of the matter is this seems to be written from the perspective of President John F. Kennedy, and describes the day he was assassinated in Dallas, TX. I find it fascinating how you managed to produce such a widely distributed hit and have it cloaked in so much innuendo. For example, the line:
7 a.m., waking up in the morning
Got to be fresh, got to go downstairs
This seems to reference that fact that JFK woke up at 7 am on Nov. 22nd, 1963. He had a long day of appearances ahead of him. The 1964 election was on the radar, and the administration wanted to maximize his exposure in Texas. Kennedy needed to be "fresh"; his visit was with the intent of smoothing over tensions within the Democratic Party there. He had to "go downstairs," a reference to his deplaning Air Force One at Dallas Love field before fatefully departing in his motorcade.
“Oh wow! I wasn’t expecting this kind of insight! Why yes Micah that is exactly what I was thinking there. The whole assassination of the President has long been fascinating to me, and how much this event was covered up has weighed heavily on my mind for years.”
Take this line Rebecca which seems innocent enough:
Got to have my bowl, got to have cereal
With one easily overlooked line, you are clearly communicating that your song is indeed about President Kennedy. JFK was a fan of using the White House's single-lane bowling alley installed by President Truman fourteen years before Kennedy took office. When leading his economic transition team, one of JFK's moves was to appoint George Ball, a banker who had close relationships with General Mills, as undersecretary of state. The cereal/grains giant had significant influence in guiding JFK's economic policy as it was established, a little known fact which apparently you sarcastically take objection to.
“Yes, the introduction of General Mills into the Kennedy White House dictated so many policies that had a ripple effect on trade approaches to Cuba and Central America. This may have been, in part, what led to both John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy’s death. Sirhan Sirhan has said it was Robert Kennedy’s ties to corporate America, specifically the Cereal Giant, that drove him to assassination, not a pro military bent that Kennedy, if elected president in 1968, would end the war. If Kennedy is not killed, there is no Nixon presidency, no Watergate, and the Vietnam war ends 5 years earlier.”
I will give you my interpretation of these next couple of lines in “Friday”. Let me know if this jibes with your intent:
Seeing everything, the time is going
Ticking on and on, everybody’s rushing
The day of the assassination passed quickly, and from the existentialist viewpoint, so does life. "everybody’s rushing" is another clever line by you. JFK's motorcade made two unplanned stops along their route, leading them to be ten minutes late when they arrived in Dealey Plaza (the site of the assassination). The extra time allowed Oswald, who was late himself, time to ready his shooting position. Additionally, your pronunciation here sounds strikingly similar to "everybody's Russian." Oswald, a defector, had Communist ties in America, his wife was a Russian national and Soviet citizen, and to this day, many suspect KGB involvement in the President's death. Are you suggesting that there is more to the story than was concluded in the official Warren Report?
“O.K. Micah, I am not going to open that can of worms. I will say the Russian affiliation angle is a seriously overlooked aspect to that day’s events, and to ignore it is to ignore a possible truth. I did say possible there. You are correct though that I was trying to subtly bring the specter of that angle to light.”
I am going to cover a few more excerpts from your song here before I pose my next question. The lines:
Got to get down to the bus stop
Got to catch my bus, I see my friends (my friends)
The motorcade departed late, due to Air Force one's earlier delays. Often times the car carrying the President is referred to as “The Bus”. Along the way, 200,000 citizens of Texas and friends of the President lined the streets in an enthusiastic display of patriotism.
Kicking in the front seat
Sitting in the back seat
Got to make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
JFK and the First Lady were seated in the back of the car, with governor John Connally and his wife "kicking it" in the front. It is easy for me to discern your nervous tone as it comes through clearly in your voice. The day would end in disaster regardless of which seat he chose. This is really a very emotional part of “Friday”, really almost brings me to tears. Then you hit the listener with these next powerful lyrics:
It’s Friday, Friday
Got to get down on Friday
As I’m sure your aware, Friday, November 22nd was the day that Lee Harvey Oswald shocked the world by murdering one of the most popular presidents in history. When he opened fire on the motorcade, his first shot missed.
“Your assuming one shooter Micah! There is no proof Oswald was the only shooter, if he even was one of the shooters!”
No, you’re right Rebecca, I am jumping to conclusions here. To continue, a warning from the secret service agent in the car to "get down!" wasn't heeded in time; the second shot struck JFK in the back before the final, fatal bullet hit his head. Then you sing:
Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Getting down on Friday
Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend
By the weekend, Oswald was in custody and the shocked American public was "looking forward" to answers and justice for the assassin. Answers would never come. On Sunday, the 24th, nightclub owner Jack Ruby famously murdered Oswald on live television.
“I know I have been mocked for the simplicity of the Friday, Friday lyrics, but the deeper meaning hidden in the simplicity is the whole point of the song. So many people have missed that. I have be able to endure all the criticism from the public thanks in a large part to the fact I know it comes from a place of ignorance. Artists have to bear the brunt of those who just don’t understand.”
I do think the haters are just a bunch of morons who wouldn’t know art if it unzipped its pants, whipped out its schlong, and smacked them 4 or 5 times upside their head leaving serious sized penis shaped welt marks about their cheeks and neck. But I digress.
“That is a rather specific image you are painting there Micah…”
Moving on Rebecca, I do have questions on your intent with this stanza of “Friday”:
Partying, partying (yeah)
Partying, partying (yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Looking forward to the weekend
Are you reference the communist party's potential involvement in a conspiracy, or the disarray within both US parties following the President's death? It would seem that "fun" is used ironically, but if the President's death were indeed a conspiracy, some would have celebrated using that word due to the plot's success.
“This was more of a reference to communism's role in general but I do like your slant on the conspirators. I hadn’t thought of it that way. That is the great thing about music, it can be interpreted by so many people in different ways. The song belongs to the beholder.”
Going back to an early stanza in the song, the lyrics:
7:45, we’re driving on the highway
Cruising so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
It seems you reflect again on the normality which began the day - JFK's quick flight from San Antonio and his numerous motorcade drives are referenced here. You again repeat "fun," but is your use of the word ironic, or suggestive of a coping mechanism?
“Well, to quote psychologist Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, coping mechanisms are defined as the sum of cognitive behavioral efforts that aim to handle particular demands, whether internal or external. Of course these are constantly changing in our environs. Also, while coping mechanisms are brought about by a person’s conscious mind, it doesn’t mean that all of them bring about positive coping. That is truly the purpose of the “Fun Fun Fun” lyrics, to try and direct people who still struggle with the assassination to be more positive in their coping mechanisms. Of course if it does double as irony that pays off as well.”
I see. Very little could take that Friday's tragic events off the minds of Americans, even "think[ing] about fun." Additionally, at this time in the music video, you sit in the back of a convertible...in the same position that JFK took that day in his. A striking image indeed.
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it
OK, breaking this stanza down, Governor Connally, a WWII veteran (like the President) and an avid hunter, immediately recognized the sound of a high-powered rifle when Oswald fired. He knew exactly what it was. Seconds later, Kennedy took a bullet to the back, which exited his chest, traveled forward into Connally's back, exited, and became lodged in the Governor's thigh (if you truly believe the magic bullet theory). JFK "got it" first, then Connally "got it." This single-bullet theory was a main point of the official Warren Commission report on the assassination. Critics and skeptics for years have called it the "magic bullet" theory, arguing that it is implausible and far-fetched. I can tell from this song that you agree, and this stanza is your argument that the theory is unbelievable. One of the main criticisms is that the geometry of the shot does not quite line up. In order for one bullet to cause the damage it did, Connally would need to have been seated farther to the left, not "by [JFK's] right," as you are sarcastically noting. After you bring this information to light, you confidently end the verse, singing "now you know it."
“Now you know it as well Micah! I am really enjoying how spot on you are with this analysis!”
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Friday, Friday (partying)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We going to have a ball today
At this point, it seems to me that you are revealing the meaning behind your use of the word fun without doubt. It is pretty clear that you believe wholeheartedly that the assassination of Kennedy was not one man acting alone, it was an organized plot with strong political undertones. Your choice of the word "we" demonstrates clearly your belief that many people were involved in orchestrating JFK’s death. The organizers were never apprehended, and they have cause for celebration. And one final stanza:
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end
So OK, the following weekend was eventful. Oswald was apprehended, assassinated, and Lyndon Johnson was sworn in as President aboard Air Force One. With the murder of accused assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, the conspirators had succeeded even further in covering up the truth behind the conspiracy. Why would they want such a triumphant weekend to end?
“Exactly! The American public was deprived of a forward thinking president, 60,000 plus American servicemen died in a conflict that was not necessary, and the course of history was changed, and I think not for the better.”
In one deep piece of lyrical genius overlooked by many, you, Rebecca Black, have accurately described the assassination of John F. Kennedy, criticized the mainstream narrative of facts, raised evidence pointing to holes in the Warren Report, and offer the idea that a conspiracy with foreign involvement was behind the President's death. This is truly a seminal work and should be considered on the same pantheon as Dylan’s “The Times They Are a-Changin”, Edwin Starr’s “War”, Bob Marley’s “Get Up, Stand Up”, U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”, or even N.W.A.’s “Fuck the Police”.
“Wow, that is an amazing compliment! And I can’t begin to tell you how exciting and flattering it is to be compared to N.W.A.! I have always admired Dre, Cube, MC Ren, and Eazy-E! They are definitely some of the most influential artists in my work.”
Rebecca, thank you so much for letting us delve into your music, as you are really here to review Week 5 in the WLOF. I just couldn’t help myself having you here in person.
“Oh, Micah, I only have a few minutes left, I don’t think we have time for the review!”
Dang it! I didn’t pay attention to the time. OK, real quick, I will shoot you the eight games this week and you pick us a winner!
“I am game Micah! Let’s do this!”
First game, The Orrinoco River Leeches verses the Wuppertal 2nd Rate Kaisers. Who ya got?
“Give me Wuppertal by 2. Mahomes against Jacksonville is bad, Brees bounce back week.“
Fair enough! Next game, The San Francisco Ship of Mules verses the Maastricht Masochist.
“Just the single Masochist? Just one Masochist? Yeah, he will be enough. Masochist by 5.”
Next game Rebecca, the battle of the brother in laws! It gets real when sister’s husbands meet! We have the Wellington Cunning Stunts verses the Taliban Freedom Haters.
“I don’t do family counseling. And this game is dead even. But I will predict the Taliban by 1. Going with the hot Rams teammates.“
Understood. OK, now we have The Fiji Jockstraps of Jay Cutler taking on the Ouagadougou Protesters.
“I will go with Fiji by 4.“
Next up, it is the Hagatna Liberty Assassins trying to bring down the Sudan Tsunami. Hagatna had a big Thursday night with Brady.
“That does change the outlook for this game. I would have gone with Sudan, but after Thursday night’s games I am giving the edge to Hagatna to get their first win! Hagatna by 3.”
Three more games left Rebecca! We now have the Nairobi Prides verses the Kadena Typhoons.
“I am going to say it is Kadena here by 3. “
Our penultimate game features the Kawishiwi Killers verses the Spanish Mercenaries.
“Spain has been the hottest team in the league so far this year. I will stick with them by 5.”
And finally, we have two 1 and 3 teams with the defending champs, the Springfield Blagojeviches taking on the Dublin Dark Knights. Who ya like? “Dublin by 8.” Wait, did you hear me say the defending WLOF league champion, Springfield Blagojeviches? “I heard 1 and 3 Springfield Blagojeviches.” OK, OK, fair enough, but Andrew Luck did put up 15 plus points on Thursday night. “Oh, well, in that case, Dublin by 6.” You are going to hate on the Blagojeviches, aren’t you? “Your dumb ass did draft Joe Mixon and Keenan Allen in the first two rounds. How’s that working out?”
Aaaand point to Rebecca Black. Despite our differing opinions on that last game, it really has been a pleasure having you in this week. I only wish for more musical success for you Rebecca!
“Thank you Micah! It has been fun talking with someone who “gets” what I have been trying to do artistically with my music. Great to be here and good luck to everyone in your football endeavors!”
Tune in next week for our Week 6 preview and a big Thank you to Rebecca Black for being here with us. Please give “Friday” another listen now that you know the true subtext to the song! Until next week, may all your waiver wire pickups be drug free!
Micah
Sub Commish
Week 6 Preview
Tedd Lucht
Mike Norris
Collin Burnett
Greetings World League for Football owners! Welcome to our week 6 review! This week we have the granddaughter of Elvis Presley himself! Riley Keough is here. You may know here from here appearances in Mad Max, Fury Road, Paterno, It Comes at Night, or her major role in The Girlfriend Experience on HBO. Riley, you look smashing and welcome to WLOF Headquarters! I know Webber is excited you are here, but of course he is excited every time he takes a poop. His last one was so large he forgot his name for two hours after he took it. But I digress. Riley, you have the conn!
Thank you Micah, I guess? If I can avoid meeting Webber that would be preferred. (Micah) Uh, yes, I am sure that can be arranged. Good! Very Good. OK, let’s start with our GAME OF THE WEEK!
GAME OF THE WEEK!
DUTCH DINGLEBERRY (4-1) vs. KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS LOVE (or passing) (4-1)
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor. The first of our two division leader clashes this week start with Jeff and his Masochist as they run headlong into Dave and his Killers. The Dutch are looking for big weeks from Roethisberger, Kareem Hunt, and Devonte Adams, all with good matchups. No bye week issues for Dave means he has all his weapons. The good Monday night performances by Wentz and Ertz (with a TD) puts Jeff behind the 8-ball right off the bat. Going with the Killers and the fast start.
MURDER BONERS by 4
BURKENA FASO WHAT? (1-4) vs. EYWALLS OF THE PACIFIC (3-2)
All your troubles come to an end when you discover that gin is an adequate replacement for love. Rum works well too. Tequila just makes you a mean drunk so avoid that. This is one of those weeks for the Protesters. Jason faces bye weeks for Matt Stafford and Alvin Kamara. Also Jay Ajayi is done for the year, and T.Y. Hilton is probably out as well. That leaves a capable Alvin Ekeler, but not much else. Juilo, McCaffrey, Cousins, Sanders, et al make it an easy W for Bill and the Typhoons.
CATEGORY 5 by 11
LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ME ONLY (0-5) vs. EXTREMIST ON PARADE (2-3)
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you discover heaven is just spending eternity reliving Truck Month at your local car dealer. Collin is on a mission. A mission to get his first win of the season. It needs to come soon or the playoffs will be by the boards quickly. He has a good Brady matchup with KC this week, and the injury to O.J. Howard means Cameron Brate is the TE in Tampa. Is Doug Baldwin healthy enough to play? The Taliban has it’s issues, but two words save the day for Mike: TODD GURLEY. Nuff said.
AFGHAN MAN by 4
SPRINGFIELD GUBINATORIAL PRISION BITCHES (2-3) vs. GERMAN GENITALIA (3-2)
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower. Yes, Alex, just stay in tonight and leave the monkey suit in the closet. Micah and the Blagojeviches will be without Kenny Golladay and Kerreon Johnson due to the bye week. But James Conner has at least one more week as the starter, and Joe Mixon is back! If Luck keeps on keeping on, Alex will have to show up bigtime. But Peterson is gimpy, Brees is on his bye week, and Crowell may be a bit banged up. He does have Phillip Rivers as his back up QB (really?) and Antonio Brown and Gronk are still here. Crowell has to have a healthy performance against the Colts to give Alex a shot. Going tentatively with Springfield only due to the missing Brees.
GUBINATORIAL PRISION BITCHES by 3
ROLLIN’ ON A RIVER (3-2) vs. ROBIN, TO THE BATMOBILE! (1-4)
When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of “The dog did it” is of absolutely no help—even though it’s actually true this time. Lindsay is pissed. Her great start has been marred by two losses as her once hot team has cooled off a bit. But good news is in the offing. She has Mark Ingram back (although he is on a bye week this week) and rumors are Le’Veon Bell may be returning soon. But for this week, she is being handed a layup. Tedd is scuffling with the Dark Knights as first round pick Leonard Fournette (remember him?) still is injured, and now Giovanni Bernard is probably down. Matt Breida may or may not be available. Julian Edelman is now back for some good news, but all that needs to be said is Baker Mayfield, or Pat Mahomes? Yep. Leeches roll.
LEECHING AND SCREECHING by 8
NITWITS OF NAIROBI (3-2) vs. CUTLER’S CUPS (3-2)
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your sticker collection, leaving you to die. Glad you got out under your own power, but the universe has laid out your net worth right there. Blake looks good on paper, but he has to prove it on the field. Odell Beckham did not prove it Thursday night as he looked more punk the player. Matt Ryan does have a good match up and should go off, but can Jordan Howard move the ball against Miami? And is Eric Ebron going to play? Juxtapose that with Justin and Fiji who have been living right. Justin has tripled his win total from last year. Russell Wison put up a big week last week and David Johnson actually was useful. Alshon Jeffery also got Fiji off to a good start on Thursday night with two TD’s, and there is Calvin Ridley taking TD’s from Matt Ryan, and of course, Travis Kelce is out there. Too much Fiji and too little Beckham. Going Cutler!
CROTCH ROT by 3
DONKEY SHOW (0-5) vs. EL MERC DE ELI (3-2)
Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra. One of the biggest point scores this year has been newcomer Eli Ommen and his Spanish Mercenaries. But he will be without Michael Thomas and Ted Ginn due to bye weeks. Sequan Barkley continued his great rookie season with 200 plus total yards and a TD on Thursday night, and Jared Goff looks to have a big week against Denver. But Cooper Kupp is on concussion protocol, and the only receivers left to fill in for Kupp and Thomas are Quincy Enunwa and Austin Seferian-Jenkins. Brock is perfect this season. Perfectly defeated. But DeVontae Freeman may be back, and Aaron Rodgers has a great matchup. Upset special! Brock and the Donkey’s get on the win column in an upset!
MULE FUEL by 2
THE OTHER GAME OF THE WEEK!
SUDANOPHILES SUBMERGED (4-1) vs. YOU SMELLINGTON LIKE WELLINGTON (4-1)
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, “World’s Greatest Parent. Done. In our second divisional leader matchup, Jon comes in with no bye week issues, and only Larry Fitzgerald gimpy, and, since the Cardinals suck, who cares? Tarl will be without Marvin Jones, and the injured Evan Engram and Greg Zuerlein are issues he has been dealing with for weeks. Gordon and Green verses Elliott and Thielen are a wash. Cam and DeSean are also a wash. Difference maker? Kyle Rudolph outpoints Dallas TE Geoff Swaim for the win for the Tsunami. Imagine that. Dallas sucking benefits Jon!
WAVING GOODBYE by 1
Hey, that wasn’t half bad! I didn’t think I would be that passionate about football, but I really enjoyed that!
(Micah) I am glad you did Riley! But you may want to hustle on out of here as Webber is heading this way as we speak.
And that means goodbye. Adios all!
Thank you Riley! As always we do appreciate are celebrities and the time they take to school us in our ignorance. And they fact they often have to flee as Webber likes to lurk. Good luck to all, and may all your waiver wire pickups be PUP list free. Until next week!
Micah
Sub Commish
Greetings World League of Football Owners! Do to life (maybe work duties have changed, maybe science fair projects have come up, maybe your daughter broke her wrist, etc.) the weekly reviews have disappeared in the last 3 weeks. So this week, seeing how we are three weeks from the playoffs, and we just have our final divisional rounds left, we here at the WLOF headquarters thought we would reflect on the playoff chances for all our teams. Let’s just take us a look shall we?
DIVISION LEADERS:
The European Division: Maastricht Masochist 8 – 2
The Masochist and his owner Jeff, are leading the league with the only 8 and 2 record. Is it mathematically possible for Maastricht to miss the playoffs? Well, 11 teams have at least 5 wins, so all could get to 8 wins. But wait! 2 of them are in the 3rd World, so one of them has to take at least 1 more loss. And two of them are in the Pacific rim, so one of them has to take a loss as well. So that leaves a maximum of 9 teams who can get to 8 wins. Oh, and none have as many points as Maastricht at this point. 1 more win is a lock, but hell they are locked. And probably the European division winner with a two game lead with three to play.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 99.99999%
The Pacific Rim Division: Fiji Jockstraps of Jay Cutler 7 - 3
Well take a look at Justin! He has taken Fiji from their inaugural season with just 1 win to the brink of a division title! Sitting on a 2 game cushion, it looks good for Fiji! 7 – 6 teams tend to make the playoffs a whopping 92% of the time, so, even if the Jockstraps hit the shits for the last 3 weeks, we would project them as in.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 92%
The Americas Division: The Kawishiwi Killers 7 – 3
Dave and Kawishiwi have been in the front of the Americas Division despite the fact the Kawishiwi has 13th fewest points scored for the season. Wait. How the F-word is that even possible? Seriously! They have been outscored by 31 points on the season and they are 7 and 3? Wut? Well, our experts can explain that one. But I do blame all you sons of bitches who have had your worst week playing Dave. That said, Dave is in an excellent position to make the playoffs again this season. With a 1 game lead and 7 wins, Dave really just needs a win, any win, and he should be playoff bound. His seeding will drop if he does not win the Americas, as his point total is low, so he would be a bit susceptible to being on the outside looking in if he does not get that 8th win…
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 85%
The 3rd World Division: Sudan Tsunami 5 – 5
So as of today, Jon and Sudan are leading the 3rd World division. But a sterling 5 and 1 record has become a shitstorm 5 and 5 record as Jon has taken 4 straight losses. So of all the divisional races, this is the most exciting. Or most stressful. Guess it is all perspective. Jon has to tiebreaker on points and division record, but Nairobi and Ouagadougou are nipping at their heels! John needs to win 2 of the last 3. Simple as that. Fortunately, the 3rd World has, uncharacteristically, been a riding the struggle bus this year, so odds are in Jon’s favor.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 59%
THE REST OF US:
Orrinoco River Leeches 6 – 4
Lindsay was the winner(loser) of the Le’Veon Bell sweepstakes. But she also was the winner(big winner!) of the Patrick Mahomes sweepstakes! Thus, she is weak at RB, but strong at QB. And at WR! Without this she would be doomed. We are saying 2 wins is a lock. 1 win, with her point total (2nd in the league) and we think she is a near lock. Three losses and bye bye. Patrick Mahomes bye week (and Tyreek Hill) coming up, so beware!
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 74%
Spanish Mercenaries 6 – 4
New owner Eli Ommen has led a great first season campaign having the 3rd highest point total in the league! The Mercenaries have games against two other playoff contenders left, so it is not a cakewalk to that coveted 7th win. But odds are in Eli’s favor he will get at least one win in his last 3, so we like the point totals to get him in if he can get to 7 wins.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 72%
Wellington Cunning Stunts 5 – 5
So now we come to the nitty gritty. The large grouping of 5 and 5 teams (there are 6!) who are in that stressful playoff run. The team we give the highest chance to is Wellington, due to their point total (4th best in the league) and the three headed monster of Ezekiel Elliott, a bye week fresh Thielien, and a seemingly healthy DeSean Watson. It is going to take 2 out of 3 for all these teams, and we see this as the best bet to make that run given the matchups in division.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 58%
Springfield Blagojeviches 5 – 5
So last year’s WLOF Super bowl champ has had one of those seasons. Scoring the 5th most points in the league (a notable 71 more than Kawishiwi), has always seemed to play 1 game under .500 all year. But that can’t happen the next 3 weeks or the gig is up. The big news that may be a saving grace for Micah and Springfield is Le’Veon Bell ain’t comin’ back! This puts James Conner in a #1 RB role for the playoffs, and gives the Blagojeviches an unexpected starter from here on out! Tough divisional matchups though.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 51%
Wuppertal Second-Rate Kaisers 5 – 5
3rd year owner Alex Smith is on the cusp of the playoffs for the first time. It is pretty simple for Alex; win 2 of 3. Point totals are good as he is 3rd of the 6 5 and 5 teams, and should get in with 7 wins. Just out of the playoffs if the season ended today, there are plenty of opportunities to work their way in for the Second-Rate Kasiers. Brees and Brown! Brees and Brown! That is the mantra to the playoffs here…
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 50%
Nairobi Pride 5 – 5
As with all the 5 and 5 teams, getting to 7 wins is crucial. The factor working against Blake and the Pride is the point total which is 30 points off the pace of the above teams. What is working for the Pride is the weak ass nature of the 3rd World division. Matt Ryan has been the driving force behind the pride, but the inconsistency of Odell Beckham and Jordan Howard are an issue. Just two big weeks and the Pride should make their 3rd straight playoff appearance.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 48%
Kadena Typhoons 5 – 5
Bill Gibson and Kadena have been a perennial playoff team of late. But they are firmly on the bubble here. Pretty much neck and neck in points with the Pride, the 7 win mark is huge. A big matchup with Wellington looms next week to separate these two teams. A must win this week at Hagatna for the Typhoons.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 47%
Ouagadougou Protesters 4 – 6
The best of the 4 and 6 teams has to be the Protesters. Jason is on the cusp of missing the playoffs two seasons in a row, and Burkina Fasoians are not happy. The good news, nobody in the 3rd World division is better than 5 and 5, so the Protesters are only 1 game from the division lead! So this provides an avenue of reaching the playoffs otherwise not normally available for a 4 and 6 squad. It is possible, with 2 wins that Ouagadougou could sneak in at 6 and 7 with a division title if things fall right. The better option is to win these last 3 and get in on their record. Any loss at this point is devastating but if they can take down the Taliban, either the Pride or Sudan will take a loss and they will have a chance to take the division if they can beat the winner of that game. Again, if things fall right.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 32%
San Francisco Ship of Mules 4 – 6
What team was 0 and 5, and now still has a heartbeat? This team, that’s who! Going 4 and 1 with 3 straight wins, Brock has the Mules keepin’ hope alive! But a division title is not possible, so 6 and 7 won’t cut it. He will need to win these last 3 as well. It is up to Aaron Rodgers to carry this squad from here on out. One loss and the season is all but over for the Mules.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 26%
Dublin Dark Knights 3 – 7
What is there to be said? The Dark Knights have had a bad year. And they can pin it on Leonard Fournette’s hamstring. Would a 6 and 7 record get them in? Mathematically, there is a chance if 7 teams beat the snot out of the remaining teams, but realistically, this is folly to hope for. A loss is elimination, 3 wins is still probably, elimination.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 8%
Taliban Freedom Haters 3 – 7 (so you’re saying there’s a chance?!?)
You would think that a team with Todd Gurley is an assumed playoff contender. Mike and the Taliban would ask you to think again. The interesting thing here is that Mike is only 2 games out of the division lead in the 3rd World Division. So, 6 and 7, with 3 wins, and all the other teams going 1 and 3, and making up the stagger in points (60 over 3 games) as head to head would be 1 and 1 with the other teams, is what is needed here. Yeah. Not seeing it.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 7%
Hagatna Liberty Assassin’s 2 – 8
And nope. God love you Collin! But last year’s darlin’ late season playoff run is not seeing a repeat. Nope, nope, nope.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 0%
Week 11 Rundown
PLAYOFFS!!!
Collin Burnett
Playoffs?
Oh
Playoffs?
Playoffs?
Playoffs?
Greetings World League of Football Owners! With one more week of results, we can see if the playoff picture is clearing up in any way:
DIVISION LEADERS:
The European Division: Maastricht Masochist 9 – 2
Jeff and the Masochist continue to have a blazing rookie season in the WLOF. Adding another victory this week has clinched a playoff spot for Maastricht who is now simply playing for seeding and a European division title. Another win locks this up. This week, they are down from Thanksgiving day games due to Drew Brees. Wuppertal is in a must win mode, so this may not be the week to clinch the division...
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 100% Winning the European Division 95%
The Pacific Rim Division: Fiji Jockstraps of Jay Cutler 8 - 3
So from worst to fist in the Pacific Rim. Almost. Justin is locked in for his first playoff appearance in the WLOF, but he needs a win or a Kadena loss to clinch the Pacific Rim. Playing Hagatna this week, a TD from Calvin Ridley has Fiji off to a good start and a 5 point projected win.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 100% Winning the Pacific Rim Division 92%
The Americas Division: Orrinoco River Leeches 7 – 4
Lindsay ass whomping of Dave and Kawishiwi has given her the division lead and pretty much locks up a playoff spot with Orrinoco's point totals. The only possible issue is the bye week she has this week, with Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, and the Rams on the bye. A slight underdog against San Fran and Brock this week, Josh McCown needs to come up big to officially clinch her playoff spot.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 99% Winning the Americas division 67%
The 3rd World Division: Sudan Tsunami 6 – 5
Jon took a big step towards the playoffs and 3rd world division title with a win last week. A 1 game lead in the division and a 4 and 0 record in division give Jon all the big tiebreakers. A win this week against Jason Bowen and the Protesters would clinch a playoff spot and a division title. Given Stafford scoring 2.9 pts. and Alvin Kamara going for 4.9, projections show Jon on slate for a 12 point win. The Tsunami are looking pretty good about now.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 94% Winning the 3rd world division 86%
THE REST OF US:
The Kawishiwi Killers 7 – 4
Kawishiwi had a bit of a mistep this week. OK, that got their asses handed to them in what is the most lopsided loss of the WLOF season as Orinoco put up 80 and Kawishiwi scored in the 20's. But no matter. Kawishiwi just needs a win to clinch, and probably will still be OK if they lose out. A low point total is the only but clincher for them. And they may have given up the division to Lindsay and Orinoco with the loss.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 88% Winning the Americas division 31%
Spanish Mercenaries 7 – 4
Eli Ommen helped his cause with a victory this week, but may have seen his hopes of a European Division title dry up. With 7 wins and a top 4 point total, Eli is all but locked into the playoffs. One more win obviously will do it, and probably will as Dublin played New Orleans QB Tyler Hill for a whopping 0.65 points on Thanksgiving.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 92% Winning the Eueropean Division 5%
Wellington Cunning Stunts 5 – 6
Wellington did not take care of business agianst Fiji, and as a result, they are once again firmly on the bubble. They need two wins to get in. Simple as that. That is not yet a guarantee, but it would probably do it. Any loss and it is over. This is the big week, as they face division rival Kadena. The good news is Thanksgiving was good to Tarl and Wellington. Kadena had Julio Jones get 6.4 points, Theo Riddick get 3 points, and Ben Watson get 1 point. Tarl get 10.15 out of Ezekiel Elliott to give him a 5 point projected win at this stage.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 34%
Springfield Blagojeviches 6 – 5
The must win phrase is an overused analogy in reviews, but here it applies. The Blagojeviches need just 1 win to clinch a playoff spot (with a very outside chance at the division title) but week 13 will be against Orrinoco and a bye week fresh Mahomes and Hill. So win this week or go bye bye. Good news, Thursday's games saw WR#2 Golladay get 4.5 points and Jordan Reed get 3.75. Better news, Kawishiwi chose to not play Legarrette Blount's 11.15 points, or Dak Prescott's 17.12. Both would have been devastating. Micah has a projected 3 point advantage at this juncture.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 62% Winning the Americas Division 2%
Wuppertal Second-Rate Kaisers 5 – 6
So Alex's first playoff appearance is down to winning back to back games, starting with the division leader. Good news, Drew Brees had 4 TD's last night. Bad news, Adrian Peterson did not. Better news, if Wuppertal can win this week, he gets a depleted Dublin for his last week. Alex is projecting a 4 point win at this time.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 45%
Nairobi Pride 5 – 6
Blake came up short in a crucial game against the Tsunami, and now is faced with a determined Taliban team that did the unthinkable. Amari Cooper dropped 15 points for the Cowboys! Throw in 5.95 from Cohen and Matt Ryan's 13.73 becomes moot. Jordan Howard getting 0.75 was a disaster as well. Forget next weeks matchup with Ouagadougou, a loss this week is toastage, and projections show an 18 point loss. Yikes.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 18%
Kadena Typhoons 6 – 5
Bill got a big win last week, but now he finds himself in a dogfight with Wellington who had a big Ezekiel Elliott appearance. The Typhoons need but 1 win to clinch, (and two wins to have a shot at the division), but being down this week means having to defeat division leader Fiji for chance to get back to the playoffs.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 52% Winning the 3rd World Division 8%
Ouagadougou Protesters 5 – 6
The Protesters successfully completed step 1 of the playoff process with a needed win last week. But they need a win this week too. And Thanksgiving turd layings by Stafford (and to a much lesser degree Alvin Kamara) have put them in a bind as they are now facing a Sudan team projected to beat them by 12 points. It looks like T.Y. Hilton and the Jaguar Defense will have to save the day!
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 28%
San Francisco Ship of Mules 4 – 7
The only reason this is not 0% is I am too lazy to calculate if a 6 and 7 team can get in.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 1%
Dublin Dark Knights 3 – 8
Nobody likes to die. Yet here we are.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 0%
Taliban Freedom Haters 3 – 8 (so you’re saying there’s a chance?!? No.)
Elimination has come.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 0%
Hagatna Liberty Assassin’s 2 – 9
And nope.
CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS: 0%
Week 12 Rundown
Playoffs?
Playoffs?
Playoffs?
