Owner Alex Smith
WUPPERTAL SECOND-RATE KAISERS - EUROPEAN DIVISION
2016 - Present WUPPERTAL SECOND-RATE KAISERS-Alex Smith
2004 - 2015 GOOD GERMAN BEER-Tim Richards
2000 - 2003 PRAUGE TOLOGISTS-
Dan "Rectum Inspector" Tallitsch
1999 KOSSIVO ETHNIC CLEANSERS-
Dan "Rectum Inspector" Tallitsch
1998 KOSSIVO 409 ALL PURPOSE ETHNIC CLEANSERS-
Dan "Rectum Inspector" Tallitsch
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Alex Smith is a man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery. A caffeine dependent life-form, Alex has been quoted as saying, “I don’t think of myself as an ugly person, I think of myself as a beautiful monkey!” Born at a very young age, Alex has always dreamed of a life of Fantasy Football ownership. He set out early to achieve this goal with one guiding principal: Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Living by this mantra, Alex collected a large fortune through his invention of “DOGGLES” or goggles for dogs. Why dogs need goggles, I don’t know, but Alex identified this deficiency in the marketplace and made a killing.
Does your dog often swim underwater in a chlorinated pool? Does he get dry eyes? Is he light sensitive? Do you like to make him look like a dork? If you answered yes to any of these questions, try DOGGLES! The goggles for dogs! Just $29.99.
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2014 European Division Champion
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2010 European Division Champion
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2008 European Division Champion
This million dollar idea led to his purchase of a WLOF franchise from Tim Richards. Striking while the iron was hot, and recognizing that the average cost of a WLOF franchise has been steadily on the rise (the price has gone from 1/20,000,000 of a Billion to 1/19,999,999 of a Billion within the last 5 years!)
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2008 World League of Football runner up
Loser of
WLOF
Superbowl XI
WUPPERTAL SECOND-RATE KAISERS
2018 World League of Football
Semi - Finalist
Alex secured his team and moved it to Wuppertal, located in the North Rhine-Westphalia region of Germany, population 350,000. It is considered the greenest city in Germany due to 2/3 of of its municipal area considered green space. It also hosted the Kemna concentration camp during WWII. Until Alex can get local funding to build a new stadium, the Second-Rate Kaisers will be sharing the city’s Stadion am Zoo with the fourth tier Budersleague Wuppertaler SV football team (soccer team in Americanese).
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2013 World League of Football
Semi - Finalist
The Stadion Am Zoo in Wuppertal, Germany
Sankt Laurentius church in Wuppertal
GOOD GERMAN BEER
2007 WLOF Toilet Bowl Champion
WUPPERTAL SECOND-RATE KAISERS
2016 WLOF Toilet Bowl Champion
The Schwebebahn floating tram in Wuppertal-Barmen
The first year in the WLOF did see Alex bring a Toilet bowl championship, and the first pick in the 2017 WLOF draft, home to Wuppertal. It also saw a large rise in Alex’s profile worldwide. There have been multiple instances of fan bases embracing the slogan “Fear the Beard” with Brian Wilson, James Harden, and semi-cognitive deprived Cardinal fans with Jason Motte. Alex took this one step further as Wuppertal fans ran with their own slogan, “GET WEIRD WITH THE BEARD!” prompting thousands of fans and celebrities to grow an Alex like beard. The craze took a hit in week 13 when President elect Donald Trump tried to join the hype with his version of a “Weird Beard” and it just creeped everyone out.
Ok, this guy has no issues. Brian Wilson (no, not the singer, the other one!) may no longer be an All-Star MLB closer, but that does not stop him from, say, wearing a spandex tuxedo to the 2016 ESPY awards. We would comment on the lack of respect this shows the ESPY's, but, hey, it's the ESPY's so no need to worry about respect, so all is good here.
James Harden fears his own beard. Of course that fear does not translate to the playoffs where his teams have only gotten to the third round once.
Here you go Cardinal fans! You can relive those halcyon days of Jason Motte, beard owner.
GET WEIRD WITH THE BEARD
Tiger Woods was one of the first to embrace a "Weird Beard" as seen here in a 2016 photo-shoot for Golf Digest.
Selena Gomez, seen here at a UNICEF charity function that also cross-promoted her K-Mart line of clothing, chose a risque strapless dress to go with a healthy Weird Beard.
Tyra Banks, showing the carpet and the beard match the drapes, loses weight and gains facial hair!
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Husband and wife Chrissy Teigen and John Legend sporting the Weird Beards. Chrissy is more of a Phu Man Chu look, but John has gone full Weird, and is pulling it off!
Steve Buscemi berating the paparazzi for not giving him and his Weird Beard the proper personal space required of a quirk character actor.
Scarlett Johansson always is smokin' up the celebrity runway, even with a good 8 inches of Weird Beard. She is a rabid die-hard Wuppertal fan.
Look everyone! It's William Defoe being Weird! Which of course is just normal.
Even Hollywood's B list actors are getting in on the Wuppertal Weird Beard train! Here we have Ron Howard's brother, Clint Howard sporting his fedora and Beard combination.
Game of Thrones fans will recognize Kit Harrington in his Weird Beard because he does not look all that different growning it out a few extra inches to show his Second-Rate Kaiser love.
North West's mom has taken better pictures, but she could not resist jumping on the Wuppertal band-wagon. She has always had more booty than hubby Kanye, but now she has more facial hair to boot!
Who can possibly resist the sexy Tilda Swinton sporting the Weirdness? And why do all the famous British people root for the German Wuppertal squad and not the Irish Dublin squad?
Benico Del Toro is looking concerned and suave all at the same time.
Forget the Oprah book club. It's the new Oprah Beard Club! Oprah did shave off the fur when beau Stedman Graham could not grow one himself and he developed a bit of a complex.
Hey! It's Nicholas Cage! Being Weird! What a stretch for him.
Husband and wife team Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm sport Weird Beards during their charity fundraising for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and the Mia Hamm foundation for Bone Marrow and Cord Blood Transplants.
Now single after a split with his 18 year partner writer-director Jennifer Westfeldt, one of the nicest celebrities, Jon Hamm, hopes to get back in the saddle by showing his Wuppertal pride with his version of the Weird Beard. "I hope this will allow me to meet some beautiful bearded German woman and settle down to root for my favorite football franchise!"
Kylo Ren actor, Adam Driver, does the Weird Beard for his TED talk on why he became a U.S. marine. "Please don't bring up any Star Wars stuff" he was quoted as saying. Oh, wait, whoops. Sorry Kylo. We mean Adam!
Teen Mom 2 star Janelle Evans shows off her bod and Weird Beard after winning a custody case against her Mom allowing for more visitation rights with her son Jace. " I think I can now relate and spend time with my son as both mother and father, thanks to my Weird Beard! GO WUPPERTALL BITCHES!"
Brad Pitt. Weird Beard. Ladies, drink it in.
Michelle Wie. Weird Beard. Guys, drink it in.
Miley Cyrus is always trying to stand out. Growing a Weird Beard is right up her alley, given the mullet growing capabilities of her father Billy Ray
83 year old Larry King, after a 25 plus year broadcast career and eight marriages simply said, "Why not grow a Weird Beard? What the fuck else do I have to live for?"
Nicki Minaj at the Grammy's thowin' shade at her rival, Remy Ma, referring to her as a "side show biznatch" and "Bitch been dissin' me for 7 minutes on her"Shether" Track. Too bad nobody ever listens to her fake boob shitty ass self". Nicki also sports the Weird Beard as well adding to her street cred.
One of the most handsome and furry women in Hollywood, Blake Lively joins the masses at the premier of her movie, "The Shallows" sporting a Weird Beard. Blake says her hubby, Ryan Reynolds is a Mules Fan and refused to grow his locks. "I think he is kind of jealous now. Plus he hates when I give him a fuzzy Flipper under the sheets!"
Amy Schumer doing what she does best, being sexy and repulsive in one fell swoop. Care for some beard above and below gentlemen?
Why stay married to Brad Pitt when you can sport a fabulous Weird Beard? Angelina Jolie has a new home having bought the Cecil B. DeMille estate, and a new Beard to boot! Billy Bob Thornton has been hittin' her phone up hard. He is a creepy dude.
Doing it wrong. This Orinoco River Leech fan felt that the River Leech victory in Superbowl XIX allowed him to do the Freaky Forehead Mustache instead of a Weird Beard. Alas poor taste leads to hilarious mugshots as he was one of 417 arrested in the second great Vuvuzela riot following the Superbowl Victory. He was booked for Assault and Battery with a Musical Instrument and treated for anal lacerations.
If you're going to go to the trouble of growing a Weird Beard, why not make it functional? This gentalman has combined his love of the Second-Rate Kaisers and Ramon noodles to good use with the Weird Beard Noodle Bowl. I am sure the lice is an extra protein bonus!
Post election, president elect and First Lady elect Donald and Melina Trump get in on the Wuppertal Weird Beard crazy. This effectively ended public acceptance of the Weird Beard, wih almost all celebrities (except Scott Baio) shaving their Weird Beards almost immediately. Commented Trump on killing the Weird Beard craze to Anderson Cooper , "It's like in golf. A lot of people -- I don't want this to sound trivial -- but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist. I am totally in favor of vaccines. But I want smaller doses over a longer period of time. Same exact amount, but you take this little beautiful baby, and you pump--I mean, it looks just like it's meant for a horse, not for a child, and we've had so many instances, people that work for me. ... [in which] a child, a beautiful child went to have the vaccine, and came back and a week later had a tremendous fever, got very, very sick, now is autistic. Like Global Warming. If it were true, it would be very very bad. But it is not true, and we are not the greatest country in the world for nothing. We are globally the most best county ever, and we are the best at not being globally bad, which is a terrific thing. I tell you, it is the best."
WUPPERTAL
Or you can go strait up A list actor as LA LA LAND academy award nominee Ryan Gosling shows his growth post Oscars.
Reese Witherspoon attends a charity event in full Weird Beard regala for the "Just Keep Livin Foundation" which is geared at after school fitness and wellness programs for High Schoolers. When asked for comment, Witherspoon responded with "Word Yo."
Donald Sutherland insists he is not a fan of Wuppertal. "Where the hell is that? No, I don't know what that is or what you are talking about. I have had this beard for 10 years!" Sure Donald. Sure.
