Champion Interviews

Interview With a Champion

2016 WLOF CHAMPION

Jason Webber

Greetings everyone, and welcome to the World League of Football site! We have conducted our pre season champions interview with this years 2 time Champ, Jason Webber. We were able to get a few minutes of Jason's time and here is the interview in it entirety:

Greetings everyone! Sub Commishioner Micah here with Jason Webber, our current WLOF Champion and winner of WLOF Superbowl XVIII. Hi Jason! First, congratulations on your 2nd WLOF Super Bowl Championship!

Really has been a great year for Russia! Putin has been very successful! He gets the Crimea, he gets to take over parts of the Ukraine without too much issue, he made Obama look like a fool by setting up shop in Syria and dealing crippling damage to ISIS while the U.S. looks foolish and ineffective. Hell, he poses with tigers with his shirt off while Obama poses with poodles. Given the great success Russia has enjoyed it was fate that the Isotopes were destined for great things this year!

You know, this time between Isotope WLOF Super bowl wins has been the longest drought between championships in league history.

Well that seems pretty obvious given I won Super Bowl I and the most recent Super Bowl. Not sure how that would not be the case. Fun trivia fact, did you know I won my first Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was a rookie, and I now have won my second the year he retires? I never owned Manning on a fantasy team. I really hate Manning. I hope he slips on a piece of pizza.

Has your drafting strategy for the WLOF changed over the years, or do you still hold true to your drafting principals?

They certainly changed last year! I drafted a WR before the 5th round when I took Odell Beckham in the 2nd round and a Tight End in Kelce in the 3rd round, and I had never picked a QB in the 1st round until last year. Of course I have never drafted as high as the fifth pick in the draft before, so I have never felt an opportunity to go Quarterback so early.

What is your favorite Texture?

Glitter

Who was the key to your victory last season?

Ummm, other than Putin and the patriotic Crimeans, next to that, it probably would be Beckham, but Carson Palmer saved me when I was 0 and 4 and Russell Wilson had such a terrible start to the year. Also, Odell Beckham was suspended in week 16 for the [World League of Football] Super Bowl so it was Palmer that really led me to victory. But I have never had a WR as good as Beckham was last year on a fantasy team. So I will go with Palmer.

Given the current choices for President, does America have a chance to exist four years from now, or should we double down and spend all our money on Fantasy Football before the Chinese change our national sport to Ping Pong?

Well, I would say, um, 3 of the 4 interns I have hired at work have been from China, so the money is on Ping Pong, my money is on Ping Pong if Hillary Clinton wins. Interestingly, one of the interns was named Ping, and my boss who is one of the worst people with names, well he is a bad person all around, called her Ping Pong. So yeah, America is doomed, and Ping Pong will be coming to a table near you quite soon.

What differences do you most notice about the World League of Football from your first Championship to your Second one?

Other than there are no longer any military people left [Note: I did not tell Jason that Mike Norris is an ex-Marine, he was referencing the mostly national guardsmen that started the league], and this is on a more humorous note, I just no longer care about football. I have apple TV and don’t watch it much unless the Cardinals are on Sunday or Monday night. Seriously I had no idea who I was picking this year being away from Football in general for 2 years. I was just going by stats. I didn’t know who Gurley was, or Beckham or Kelce. I just knew I hated the Giants and Tom Coughlin, so when I got auto botted in the middle rounds with Rashard Jennings for my number two Running Back, I knew Jennings would suck.

Quick, modern outlook for Jason Webber: Pokémon cards or Pokémon Go?

Pokémon Go. I already caught a charmander, my first Pokémon catch!

Who is your super bowl prediction for the NFL this year?

Mmmmmmmmm. Cardinals?

Do you have a favorite movie so far for 2016?

Well, it certainly is not that new Star Trek movie. In terms of irrelevance, it ranks up there with Star Trek V[five] that movie that Shatner directed. It’s a good thing J.J. Abrams is no longer directing Star Trek. Oh wait, he still is? Oh man, it is almost as if they have to crash the Enterprise in every movie! How many movies has the Enterprise not been blown up? (Asks Melissa) Was there any good movie we saw this year? Melissa made many good picks for my team, she was marvelous. Without her input, I would not have won the championship. She’s like as Psychic as I am. More so because I won.

Always bringing it back to the football. Owners want to know; do you plan on making last minute Monday night kicker pickups this season as a strategy?

Um, [laughs], that was the big subtext last year because they thought I was cheating! That was ridiculous. If I make a change as the commissioner to a lineup or a score it will reflect on the site as “Changed by commissioner”. Bowen should change his team to Black Lives matter.

We are losing longtime owner Tim Richards this year. Due to Fantasy Owner attrition, we are down to Doug Cottle, Jason Bowen, Mike Norris, Jon Ommen, Bill Gibson, Moi, and you as owners with more than 10 years in the league. Granted we have a lot of owners with 5 plus years in league, but with over half the league turned over this last decade, do you still feel the need to taunt your hapless opponents anymore?

Hmmmmm. Only if it results in them quitting the league in frustration, because of their own ineptitude. Like Brannon’s dad. And Brannon. Remember the article I wrote “Cream truckers driving for success?” Backstory, he had a polish wife and son who went back to Poland to visit family. Not within 36 hours he was with a buddy in his car who got a DUI driving his truck into Lake Zurich Illinois. Crashed the truck into the damn lack and his buddy went to jail. Brannon got off scott free and was piss drunk. He got away with things like that, but didn’t like to get called out on things. And he got pissed when I wrote an article making fun of what he would get away with, and he got really pissed and quit. He said “some peoples live are ruined.” That, of course, made me laugh hard.

Was it a more taunt worthy league with the likes of Brannon, Glinski, Karl Reid, Larry “Scribbles” Schriver, Brent Washburn, Bart Frey, Greg “Rasputin” Briska, and your brother, or is this group worth talking trash to?

You know, talking trash is fun, but it is not as much fun taunting people you don’t know as much, ‘cause you don’t know how they are going to take it. And it is fun to think how offended someone you know well and is deserving of a taunt can be effected by a good taunt, like the time I wrote the Pikachu article about Dan Tallisch. Boy he was pissed about that, and soon changed his name to the Prague Tologists. Good names, good times.

If you were a Muppet, which Muppet would you be?

Guuuuuhhh, awwwwww, [awkward pause] I am trying to remember names of Muppets. I got nothing. How about a Professor Bunsen with the hair of Beaker? Hey, I will go with Pikachu. [Micah] That’s not a Muppet. I will still go with Pikachu.

Finally, true/false: Are the Isotopes the favorites pre-season to repeat as WLOF Champions?

Wow, [grunts twice], I would say I am at a disadvantage as last year I had no knowledge [of Football]. This year I have a deminimis [a Latin phrase meaning too trivial or minimal to merit consideration, especially in law. Yes, this is the word Webber used] amount of knowledge and that will work against me. Maybe I will have the squirrels do my picks this year.

Thanks Jason for you time and good luck in the upcoming season!

2017 WLOF CHAMPION

Lindsay Crusen

WLOF SUPERBOWL XIX CHAMPION

LINDSAY CRUSEN AND THE ORINOCO RIVER LEECHES

Greetings fellow WLOF'ers! Welcome to this years interview with a Champion! This year we have the pleasure to sit and chat with World League of Football Superbowl XIX winner, Lindsay Crusen. Lindsay, as sub commissioner I would like to say congratulations on your first WLOF Championship, and welcome to WLOF headquarters! It is a pleasure to have you with us today.

Thanks sub commish, it is an honor to be here. With me.

I know it is an overused and trite question, but I think it is a mandatory question when firsts occur. Lindsay, how does it feel to have won your first World League of Football Super Bowl, and how has it changed or impacted your life?

I called all my friends and family and told them we were going to the Bahamas! But then I realized we didn't really win that much money in this league, even though there are 16 teams. Why don't we win more and first round playoff losers win less?

Well that is a thought, they are losers after all. You are the third team in the last 4 years to win the WLOF Super Bowl entering the playoffs as a 8 seed (Jon and the Tsunami, Webber and the Isotopes, and now yourself). Is this just one of those statistical anomalies or is there a distinct advantage to “sitting in the weeds” and ambushing the top seed?

I've never really sat in the weeds, that is not what I do with it. I feel that when people have a good team they don't strategize in the playoffs. With so many teams, if you have a good one, you just let it ride. If you have a sorry ass team, you have to play match-ups with many of your players. But luck is really what it comes down to, and weed.

Going topical, in respect to the new Republican effort to [partially] repeal the Obamacare ACA Health Plan, an amendment written into the bill by Rep. Tom MacArthur (R – NJ) that would allow states to obtain a waiver from the Health and Human Services Department so they could charge customer with preexisting conditions higher premiums that is the key to much of the opposition to this bill has had a new provision crafted into the plan to provide $8 billion to help patients pay increased premium costs by two Republican representatives, Fred Upton (R – Michigan) and Billy Long (R – Missouri). Does this mitigate some of the preexisting condition concerns surrounding this plan or is it an irrelevant Band-Aid that does little more than create extra hoops to jump through for currently high risk patients?

It's obvious that many people don't know how insurance works. Good drivers pay for the accidents of bad drivers. Healthy people pay for the care of the sickly. But wait, if we let all the people with pre-existing conditions die off, then our premiums would go down. Either way Illinois will find a way to embezzle that money anyway.

What is your favorite texture?

Ribbed, for my pleasure. Or those knobby things, those are oh so nice.

Have to be honest, not really where I was going with that question. Anywho, have you had much of a chance to rub this title in [Jason] Bowen’s face yet, or will that happen naturally as the 2017 NFL season approaches?

Bowen's wife is my cousin so I don't think she would appreciate me rubbing my ti...oh title....there was definitely some friendly banter between us.

New NFL rules this year include ending leaping on field goal attempts due to the chance of flipping the long snapper and causing a head/neck injury. Is this a good safety measure or is it further micromanaging that is taking the violence out of the game?

Is it safer? Did any one get hurt? Maybe they should just side snap it like a pick-up game in the backyard.

Now that the Americas division is the division with the longest standing group of four owners who have stayed in the WLOF (this will be the eighth season of Dave, Brock, myself, and yourself), have you developed a real sense of hatred, animus, revulsion, and execration towards your fellow owners, or are they just pawns whose imbecilic nature is easy for you to manipulate?

I can't believe I've been in for 8 years. Am I the imbecile?

In all fairness, we can't rule that out. Given how boring the Pro Bowl is, would a new event, “Passing Concussion Protocol”, where Pro Bowl qualifying Quarterbacks, Running Back, Tight Ends, and Wide Receivers would be dropped on their heads from 5 feet in the air, then promptly hit upside their heads with a two by four (with helmets on of course), then asked to run patters and routes against a live set of Pro Bowl defenders be an interesting addition to spice things up?

Wouldn't they just do what Tom Brady does?

This is going to be your first year drafting from the 16 slot. Do you have a strategy for drafting in mind for this season, or do you feel it will be very similar from drafting from the 1 slot like last year with the double pick (Minus the first pick in the draft thing)?

My strategy is to take my 2nd round pick immediately following my 1st round pick.

Follow up, how quickly will the talent run out at the 16 slot? Will there be a decent option for your 5th and 6th round picks, or will there be greater pressure to get the first 4 picks correctly?

Knowing how people draft in this league, I know I'll get the 7th or 8th best player with my 1st pick, then the 9th or 10th with my second. As far as late round picks go, I like my dark horses dark.

I really can’t ask you who you may have as a sleeper for this year, but would you share with us whom you think may be a bust for this season?

Manziel, Kap or any of the Chicago Bears

All solid choices! OK, we need a metaphorical question in here. Assuming President Kennedy would be a passion fruit, President Regan a prune, Jimmy Carter a peanut, Howard Taft a watermelon, and Richard Nixon a Lemon, what fruit or vegetable would President Trump be?

Ugli fruit or is that too obvious...... Chard because it sounds the most like shart.

And you get an "A" for that answer. Final question, do you have a prediction pick for who reaches Super Bowl LI this season?

I'm a bears fans so it doesn't really matter, but if I have to choose. Falcons/Steelers.

Outstanding! Thank you Lindsay, and on behalf of the league, congratulations on your World League of Football Superbowl victory!

WLOF SUPERBOWL XX CHAMPION

Micah Bandy and the Springfield Blagojeviches

Greetings fellow WLOF'ers! Welcome to this years interview with a Champion! Last year we had the pleasure of interviewing the enchanting Lindsey Crusen. The year prior to that, the intriguing Jason Webber. This year we are stuck with the Sub Commissioner, Micah Bandy. So Micah, congratulations on your fourth World League of Football Super bowl title! You are the first 4 time winner, how does that feel?

Well, considering I have been in the league longer than anyone else I would say it is about damn time! I won a couple early around the turn of the millennia, and it has been pretty bleak since then. So I think I was due. It does feel great to once again pick from the end of the draft, but every time I pick last I manage to screw it up royally. So don’t ask about a repeat.

Do you think you can repeat?

Damnit! I just said don’t ask that! I don’t want to project negativity! But if past history is to be believed it does not look like a rosy prospect.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how ticklish are you?

Depends on who’s doing the tickling.

Longtime owner Doug Cottle left the league this year due to his feeling the NFL game, with all the new safety rule changes, has become unwatchable. Do you feel the same way about the direction the NFL is heading?

I absolutely see Doug’s point and agree with him that this is not your father’s football we now watch. But by the same token, I think the damage that was done to the last 3 or 4 generations of professional and collegiate football players is just now being realized as they age. I think the NFL has been, at best, late in recognizing this fact, and I fear that the NFL may be headed to extinction if they cannot reconcile a way to protect the players, yet keep the game viable from an entertainment perspective. Maybe as a viewing audience we are too bloodthirsty. I think it might be time to implement Trump’s idea of returning to gladiatorial combat for entertainment. After all, what are Canadians for? At least I think that was something Trump said recently. It is tough to keep up with his tweets.

Who has the better hair, Larry Fitzgerald or Tony Polamalu?

Unfair question. It is clearly Odell Beckham Jr. That man has the whole coral polyp colony thing going on with different bleached colors working in tandem with a Fu man chu goatee. Striking. If I had to choose from what you gave me, I think Polamalu would win.

What is your purpose in life?

Wow, going with the deep question out of nowhere. Well, some philosophies intimate that happiness is the purpose of life. Some say love is the purpose. Others might point to usefulness as the purpose of life. The more religious of us would say to follow God’s will or live a Godly life. Morgan Freeman in the movie “Lucy” says it is to pass our information on to the next generation. Or, simply put, to procreate. Dr. Scott T. Allison says the purpose of life is to live the life of a hero. I kind of like that one. Plato put forth that the meaning of life is attaining the highest form of knowledge, called Platonism. There, you just learned something so you just fulfilled some of your meaning for existing. You’re welcome. Then you have Immanuel Kant and Kantianism. Kant is known for his deontological theory where there is a single moral obligation, the “Categorical Imperative” that is derived from a concept that duty is the purpose of life. Kantians believe all actions are performed in accordance with some underlying maxim or principle, and, for the actions to be ethical, they must adhere to the “Categorical Imperative”. Most Kantianists live in, of course, Kansas, which is why Kansas can commit so many college basketball violations as the ends justify the means. It is their duty to cheat in order to be good, which is their duty. So basically they are all bastards. Of course you can’t forget Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sartre and Existentialism. Existentialism portends that each person creates the essence or meaning of their life. This is not determined by God, or earthly authority but by one’s self. We set our own reason for existence via our ethical prime directives. Sartre postulates “existence precedes essence; the essence or meaning of one’s life arises only after one comes to existence. In the end, I think you just watch Monte Python’s “The Meaning of Life” and move on.

What is your relationship with the football?

I would say it is strictly platonic.

I’m sorry, we meant to ask what is your relationship with football?

I will stick to my previous answer, strictly platonic.

Over your World League of Football experience as a Sub Commissioner, what is your greatest joy and what is your greatest angst? Would you want to take on the title of Commissioner for life?

Greatest joy is easy. Having a smooth and quickly moving draft. It is one of those rare times of heightened interest (or maybe distraction from normal life) where you find yourself immersed into a minutia of, what at the time seems like earth shatteringly important decisions, on who to draft and you love the drama of it! Only the NCAA tournament and Christmas create that same feeling. Angst, collecting money for the league. That is always a dread. Commissioner for life? Not on your life! That is Webber’s gig and he can have it!

In the shower, what is your favorite bar of soap?

I normally don’t speak about the times when I am naked, but I actually prefer a manly body wash applied with a luffa as opposed to actual use of hard soap. I guess Dove or Irish Spring would make the most sense to me.

You’re a Chicago Bears fan. How are you feeling about the direction the Bears are heading?

Cripes. They trade up giving away two top draft picks to get the QB they would have gotten anyway. But they really have an improved defense this year. Actually a draftable defense! And they have a decent running game and now some receiver talent in Robinson (if he is healthy) and their new Tight End Trey Burton. Even their number one draft pick from a few years ago, Kevin White, is looking good in training camp. If they can protect Trubisky and he can develop some consistency they might be decent. Too bad Rodgers is still Rogers, the Vikings are arguably one of the top 3 teams in football, and the Lions are improved.

Quick flash answer: Trump or Pence?

Quick answer, just shoot me now. That is the ultimate Kobayashi Maru no win scenario.

Who is your pick to be in Super bowl LIII? And a follow up, ho is your pick to be in WLOF Super bowl XXI?

That is a fool’s errand so early in the year. Injuries always play a key role in who survives. That said, I like the Vikings or the Eagles from the NFC (with all due respect to the Rams), and the Patriots (as always) and Jaguars from the AFC. Steelers have a great offense but they are too star powered and if any one of Bell or Roethlisburger or Brown goes down, they are done. So no Steelers. Packers are completely dependent on Rodgers and that never works well in the playoffs, so they are out. And I don’t trust Pete Carroll to successfully pick his nose much less make an intelligent football play calling decision so they are out. Can Watson stay healthy for Texas? No. Bye. Can the Chargers stay healthy at all? No. Bye. Chiefs maybe? Mahomes is a rookie, so no. I think I am taking the Vikings and the Jaguars for this year’s Super Bowl. Not picking a winner though. WLOF Super Bowl? Why not the two winningest teams of the last 10 years who both have not been in a WLOF Super bowl for the last 7 years. I don’t care if they are from the same division, they both will have high draft picks! Give me the Taliban Freedom Haters and the Ouagadougou Protesters in WLOF Super Bowl XXI. Word.

Thanks Micah, and good luck for your 20th season in the WLOF.

Thanks!