World League of Football

Greetings fellow WLOF’ers and welcome to the week 7 Preview for the World League of Football!  Sorry about week 6 but the flu hit WLOF Headquarters this week and that was that.  Stepping into week 7 we have a special treat for you!  And by special treat I mean a heaping pile of dung for you to listen to.  He’s off work right now, so what the hell.  The WLOF presents, Ted Cruz.  Ted?

Thanks Micah, you smarmy liberal elitist!   Take your Jewish ideals and Libertarian ways and step aside.  (Micah) Not Jewish, not Libertarian.  Oh, well Catholic then.  (Micah) Nope, that’s zero for three, but please continue Mr. Cruz.  Thank you, I will!  Trump may be a racist demagogue, a womanizing sexist self-indulgent narcissistic twit, and a man with small hands and terrible hair, but at least he isn’t a danger to his country like Hillary.  On with the review!

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First, to the blood feud matchup of the week!

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San Francisco Ship of Mules (3-3) vs. The Nairobi Prides (3-3):

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​ Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them. ​ Two brothers enter, only one can emerge with a winning record.  Unless they tie.  Then I guess neither one would.  You get the idea.  The Mules, last year’s fancy pick, and the Pride, this year’s hot team on the rise, meet up in Nairobi to pit the Edelmen brothers against each other.  The Mules still have A.J. Green, but no Ben Roethlisburger for a while.  The Pride aren’t off the hook as it is the bye week for Eziekiel Elliott and Kelvin Benjamin.  But don’t sneeze at the Brees, and the rest of the hot Pride who still pack a punch.

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I got the Eye of the Tiger, the Lion, dancing on my own, cause’ I am the champion, and your gonna here me ROAR-OR-OR-OR-OR-OR-OROROR by 6

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Now for the “Too close to call” game of the week.

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The Kadena Typhoons (4-2) vs. The Wuppertal Second-Rate Kaisers (2-4):

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​Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.  Well, the plan has been in the works for weeks, but it is almost anti-climactic that new owner Alex Smith has finally rolled out the new location for his German franchise in Wuppertal.  Too bad he picked a bye week for Cam Newton to do so.  Having Fozzy Whittiker on the bye, DeAngelo Williams and Jeremy Langford injured, and having Detroit 4th RB Zach Zenner as his only RB is not a good sign.  But there is still Amari Cooper and Jordy Nelson here along with Delanie Walker who is heating up.  And Wentz is a good backup QB, except for the fact he is facing the Vikings.  Bill and Kadena have faced their struggles to, as their 4 and 0 start is a thing of the past.  Dropping 2 in a row, and having no Dez Bryant to show for it so far, and precious little Jamaal Charles, Bill has survived on a stead dose of Derek Carr, Demarco Murray, and a resurgent Randall Cobb.  This one is really too close to call.  But I have to make a call, tough calls, like a president would.  I choose the Japs over the Germans.  That was politically correct right?

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Storm of the Century of the week by 1

 

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Now to a pair of friends who will be enemies for about 72 hours.

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The Sudan Tsunami (2-4) vs. The Kiwashiwi Killers (2-4):

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​It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers in between.  So Jon and Dave need to quit dancing and get to work!  Both are members of the ever so popular 2 and 4 club.  With all teams having at least two wins, eight teams are at that precipice mark of 2 - 4.  There is not a lot of margin for error here so both these teams need a jolt of the winning juice!  Dave has gotten a jolt from the return of the Tom Brady, who really helped in week 5, and really laid an egg in week 6.  Jon, on the other hand, has been sipping a case of the Marcus Mariota cocktail that has been hot the last two weeks, as the Blake Bortles punch is a bit too spiked.  Lamar Miller finally had a decent week, but is now facing Denver.  Brandon Marshall has been the lone bright spot on the Jets.  But the lack of production from Doug Baldwin, (courtesy of Russell Wilson) and the Antonio Gates old man issues are holding the Tsunami back.  You would think a starting lineup including Tom Brady, Antonio Brown, Jordan Howard, and a gimpy Jordan Matthews should be formidable, and that would be right.  Too bad Doug Martin re-aggravated that hammy.

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Killing with Kindness and Deflategate rejects by 4 

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 Undefeated teams you say?  A team that is twelve games better than they were last year?  You must be joking.

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The Springfield Blagojeviches (6-0) vs. The Ouagadougou Protesters (2-4):

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​All things considered, it’s a good thing you aren’t in the prostitution business for the money.  What is going on with the Protesters, Freedom Haters, and Tsunai?  All 2 - 4 when they have been 8 – 5 two straight seasons?  ​ Well, let me explain.  Wait, there is no time to explain so let me sum up.  Feast or famine.  With Le’Veon Bell back, it appeared it was time to feast.  Until Roethlisburger went down.  There was not as much feasting for Bell last week.  But Winston is still dangerous, Bell will get his, and Gore has been a nice consistent force.  WR has been the hangup with Floyd getting his first TD last week and Pryor being the only bright spot.  Springfield, on the other hand has had everything work its way this year.  Rivers has a down game, Beckham goes off for 222 yds and 2 TD’s.  Matt Jone has been solid and Mike Evans is almost averaging a TD a game.  Since Winston’s big target is Evans, and Rivers has a good matchup, why go against the grain?

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Blago my Eggo by 2

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The Taliban Freedom Haters (2-4) vs. The Orinoco River Leeches (4-2):

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​You’ll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.  Kind of the theme of my campaign.  Kirk Cousins was supposed to be the top 10 QB stud.  He has looked better of late, but no studwork.  Matt Forte had a couple of big games to start the season, then nothing.  DeAndre Hopkins, same thing.  Barnidge has no QB to throw to him.  And Lacy, he be Lacy.  If it weren’t for Diggs and the Viking Defense Mike would have no luck at all.  Gloom, despair and agony on thee!  As for Orrinoco, things have been quite peachy with Julio Jones, Marvin Jones, Mr. McCoy.  Sounds like a great sitcom!  Or a solid team.  Going to stick with the Leeches.

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Time for your sucking! by 3

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Wellington Cunning Stunts (5-1) vs. The St. Mihiel Tough Ombres (3-3):

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​You’ll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it’s the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs​.  Don’t look now, but guess who is atop the Pacific Rim division again.  Yep, it’s our old pal, Tarl.  And look!  He has Matthew Stafford again.  This time though, his starting RB is still playing in Todd Gurley.  How can he be five and one with these two, while not completely useless, definitely underperforming?  Well, there is Michael Crabtree, and Melvin Gordon is tearing it up.  And Matt Ryan, when Tarl plays him, and Brandin Cooks.  Well, you get the idea.  Doug and St. Mihiel are OK at 3 – 3 with David Johnson looking like the #1 pick he was (nice call Doug!).  Christine Michael has been a find as well.  Too bad Jarvis Landry, whomever is at the 2nd WR position is, and, of course, Eli Manning have been disappointing.  Too much Tarl to overcome.

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Outback Steakhouse

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The Hokkaido Sake Bombers (2-4) vs. The Dublin Dark Knights (4-2):

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​Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands​.  Hokkaido is one of the 8 teams at two and four, and they need a win this week.  Too bad Aaron Rodgers is playing the Bears.  Add to that Jason Witten is on the bye and his insistence on not playing Larry Fitzgerald is not good, nor is the RB situation and the Dark Knights with there Greg Olsen’s…wait, Olsen is on the bye?  And there Jordan Reed’s…. Reed is not practicing yet?  Oh.  Well.  This may be close.  But Aaron Rodgers man….

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Ben Affleck is the Accountant by 6

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The Pyongyang Ball Deflators (2-4) vs. The Chely'abinsk Isotopes (2-4):

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​If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s you lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.  ​Everyone’s favorite communists and Jason Webber’s favorite returning champ are both 2 – 4 and needing to see the win column.  Amy does have Gronk looking to have a big week.  And Jennings is back, for what that is worth.  But Decker is done for the season, Jonathan Stewart is on the bye, and Russell Wilson is playing like Owen Wilson.  On the other side, Webber has been suffering the, well, the Luck of the Luck.  But Jay Ajayi has come into his own, and Luck has not been the worst, just not the best.  Will it be enough to hold off the Deflators?  Yes, yes it will.

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Nuclear Meltdown by 7

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Well, there you have it!  Expert opinions by and expert.  Look for me to unseat Hillary in 2020!  Peace!

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Thanks you Ted, that was a slice of heaven.  Good luck to all the WLOF owers for week 7!

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Micah

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