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World League of Football Weekly Reviews for 2015:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WEEK 3:

 

Greetings fellow WLOF’ers and welcome to the third week of the matchup previews.  We enter the final week of the first interdivisional play period.  After this bye weeks and intra-divisional play shall rule the day.   Week 2 saw our guest Hope Solo go a pedestrian 4 - 4 and brought our guest totals for predictions this year to 7 - 9.   For our guest previewer this week, we bring forth Bruce Vilanch!  Bruce of course is famous for…..wait, what are you famous for?  Micah, I have done soooooo much for sooooooooooo many famous people that I, myself, am now famous!  Yeeeeesssss!  OK, anything I might recognize?  I was a writer and occupied a square on the Hollywood squares for 4 years!  I am sure you would have seen me there!  No, not really.  But then again, I find daytime gameshows a large contributor to the dumbing down of America.  Anything else?  Hey, I have been a main writer for the Academy Awards wince 1990 and became the head writer for the Academy Awards in 2000.  How do you write for the Academy Awards?  And the Oscar goes to….Dom Deluise?!?  No silly, you write the jokes for the host!  In 1992, I was the guy who wrote all of Billy Crystal’s one liners on the spot after 73 year old Jack Palance did all those one-arm push-ups during his best supporting actor acceptance speech.  I was on point that night I can tell you.  OK, how about this.  Have you appeared in any TV shows or movie’s that our ownership may have seen?  Oh my!  I have had a huge and fabulous career since I appeared as a dress manufacturer in the 1975 film Mahogany starring Diana Ross.  I had a few acting appearances with a bit part in the TV show Bosom Buddies, a had a role in the 1984 comedy/science-fiction movie The Ice Pirates, in 2000 I preformed my off-Broadway one-man show Bruce Vilanch: Almost Famous at the Westbeth Theater Center, I starred on Broadway in 2005 as Edna Turnblad in the musical Hairspray after a 2 year run in show’s first national stage tour, I played myself on a 2001 Simpson’s episode titled Pokey Mom, I appeared on the show Celebrity Fit Club in 2006 losing 21 pounds on the show over the course of that season, I appeared on Rupaul’s Drag Race 3 as a guest judge dressed as Santa Clause, then again on Rupaul’s Drag Race 5 as a coach helping the contestants, in 2012 I played Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Tatyana Ali”, an episode of the Eric Andre Show on Cartoon Network’s late night Adult Swim programming block, and this year, I played myself in a guest voice role on the Disney XD animated series Penn Zero: Part-time Hero.  Oh, and Andrew J. Kuehn mad a documentary of ME in 1999 called Get Bruce! that featured interviews with Bette Midler, Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, and Whoopi Goldberg.  That movie grossed $43,155 on the domestic market!  I am not sure anyone in the World League of Football has seen any of these…you know what Bruce, I say you are good to go!  We are damn pleased to have you, so jump right in and preview week 3 in the WLOF for us! 

 

                Wonderful!  Thank you Micah, and welcome all my gay friends to week 3 of the World League of Fooooooooootball!!!!!   I am Bruce Valanch and I’ve got more chins than a San Francisco phonebook!  I will guide you through the week 3 trials and tribulations of the WLOF.  Let’s jump right in!
 

Hokkaido’s Crazed Bomb Squad VS. Kadena’s Blowin’ in the Wind’ers

 

Hokkaido, Hokkaido, poor stupid Hokkaido.  This team looks like it was attacked by that eagle Muppet [Sam the Eagle] and bit on their peckers!  Romo is out, Lynch is playing like a muffin, Tate, Michael Floyd, and Mike Evans are all pretty much no shows, and LeFell is on the PUP list.  And Mathews of the Eagles had one carry last week.  One.  Their only hope at this point is using DNA splicing for their fans so they can genetically modify them to have a double middle finger to give opposing players.  Kadena, on the other hand, got Peterson going last week, picked up Travis Benjamin who is hot, still has Emmanuel Sanders who is en fuego, and has enough receivers to bench Doug Baldwin as a 4th WR.  With Brandon Wheedon starting for Hokkaido, I have to call this an 0 – 3 start for Hinson.

 

Typhoons by 9

 

 

Pyongyang’s De-tentacled Brady’s VS. Wellington’s Hunky Stunt Men

 

Roooooowwwwr!   Nothing speeds up my Fiat quite like muscled slabs of man meat!  But this is not about me, it is about Wellington.  Question; how do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your yard?  Put up Goal Posts!  I SAID GOAL POSTS!  Classic.  After a down week, Wellington is poised for an upset, mostly because his squad is healthier than his opponent.  If Stafford is good to go, Charles and Ingram are poised to strike!  If Charles can hang onto the ball.  Pyongyang, is so fabulous, and Amy is so fabulous!  This team is the second highest scoring team in the WLOF behind two 50 plus point efforts!  But Brees may be out.  Ladarius Green is in concussion protocol, and the other TE Julius Thomas is still injured.  Morris may be losing his starting job, and Vereen and Freeman are time share freak shows.  Only Antonio Brown and Edleman are left to sturdy the ship.  That is a pretty sturdy ship by the way, but I have to throw my weight, and that is a lot of weight baby, behind Wellington.

 

Cunning Stunts by 7

 

 

Sudan’s Ocean Going Wave Party VS. the Taliban’s Simply Fabulous Terrorist Network

 

If you have a car containing a Cowboy’s RB, a Cowboys linebacker, and a Cowboy’s defensive back, who is driving the car?  A COP!  Whooooowooot!   Helllllllllloooooo!   Time to look at a clash in the Third World division.  Once again, the Third World is so evenly balanced, we have all teams at 1 and 1.  This week, Sudan comes in as part of the walking wounded with Dez out, Witten questionable, White a non-factor, and Dan Carpenter kicking like Naomi Watts, and that spells trouble.  You do have Newton with a good matchup this week, and Forsett and Hyde are both going to play although Hyde is dealing with a leg contusion.  The Taliban, on the other hand, has issues with their receivers as Julio Jones is dealing with a hammy, (I would love to deal with his hammy!), Hopkins on concussion protocol, and Decker simply out this week.  But Jeremy Hill and Yeldon are copasetic, and Eli might have a good matchup with the Redskins tonight.  I have to lean towards those crazy terrorists this week!

Freedom Haters by 5

 

 

Nairobi’s Pride and Prejudice VS. Ouagadougou’s Whiny Whiny Bitches

 

Time for some Packer jokes!  What do you call a 350 lb. Packer fan?  ANOREXIC!  How do Packer fans find their sheep in the vast rolling hills of Wisconsin?  QUITE SATISFYING!  What do you call a Packer fan with a sheep under his arm?  A PIMP!  Hilllllarious!  OK, Nairobi comes into this week with Peyton Manning finally waking up.  Can he repeat this against Detroit on the road?  Forte is a bit gimpy, Allen may be out, Jeffery is probably out, and Andre Johnson has been a big disappointment.  But Larry Fitzgerald looked like his old self from 4 years ago and had 3 TD’s!  But the RAMS against the Steeler offense?  Bad matchup.  Ouagadougou has both TE’s a bit banged up and Ellington is going to see a light workload at best.  But Thomas and Calvin Johnson.  Need I say more?  Tannehill goes against the Bills.  Ew.  Well.  Give me Nairobi in a close one if they can piece a lineup together.

 

Pride by 4

 

 

Springfield’s Over Tanned Ex-Governors VS. The Kawisiwi Killing Le’Veon Bell Having Motherfuckers

 

I was told to be bitter here for Micah’s sake but, frankly, I don’t care!  Springfield has suffered greatly.  There are the tough Luck kids but nobody cares.  Luck had better get it together, or, more importantly, the Colts better find a defense, a receiver who can get separation, an offensive line that is not, well, offensive, and a running game.  Yeah.  Just for shits and giggles, A.J. Green is a bit gimpy.  New pickup Matt Jones smells of a desperate attempt to find a running game in the wake of the 4th and 5th round Detroit Lions RB picks that are not producing yet.  Flip the script and you have Kawishiwi who squeaked out a win week one and has been living on suspended time.  That ends this week with Le’Veon Bell back in a high powered Steeler offense.  Only injury report is Desean Jackson, but otherwise a pretty healthy Killers squad.  If Luck is suck and fuck, it is 0 and 3 start in division for a Springfield team that spells another lottery year for the Blagojeviches.

 

Killers by 2

 

 

San Francisco’s Water Boarded Asses VS. Orinoco’s Suck Me Off’s (YES PLEASE!)

 

Let me change my T-shirt again, I sweat a lot and you have to love the IIIIIIIIIIIIRONYYYYYY of them!  Clash of the Titans!  This is the top two teams in my world, and they meet week 3!  Round 1 sees the Ship of Mules as a juggernaut rolling through the league!  Huge picks with Gronk and Brady in rounds 2 and 3, and a steal in Brandon Marshall who, with Decker out, may be a big contributor this week!  But wait!  Both Murray and Ivory are game time decisions.  DeAngelo Williams moves back a step with Le’Veon Bell back so may not be a valid option, and Cooks is gimpy.  Orinoco has not hit their stride yet and got LUCKy this past week as any participation from a Blagojevich QB would have cost them a loss.  Lacy has been a ghost and is questionable for this week.  Cameron and Miller are limited in practice and may not be at full strength.  But there is Roethlisberger, everyone’s favorite rapist, who can rape me anytime!  Man went off last week.  Will Maclin and Allen come back like their week 1 performance, or is week 2 going to be the norm?  When Foster gets back in the next couple of weeks, this team could take off as projected.  I think the RB situation for the Mules costs them a valuable week. 

 

River Leeches by 1

 

 

St. Mihiel’s Burly Butt Cowboys VS. Chernobyl’s Burly Russian Nuclear Cocksmen

 

And BOING went the dynamite!  That was a dick joke.  My dick you see.  C’mon people!  FUNNNNNNNY!  St. Mihiel is spending this season trying to overcome the Jordy Nelson Blues.  They are actually in 2nd place in the European division, so they are working it so far!  But they have been projected to lose by double digits every week.  So I will project it again this week!  They have two big guns to use, and one, McCoy, has a hammy issue.  He will play, but they cannot be understrength to win.  GM Doug Cottle has been working the waiver wire with pickups like Heyward-Bey, Mallet, and K. Williams, but the benching of Manziel (why Browns? You know I love your name for the gayest of reasons..) and the suspensions of Gates and Bryant lasting 1 more week means St. Mihiel needs time to get to full strength.  Meanwhile, the 0 and 2 Isotopes have hope that the shittyness of Russell Wilson may be at an end.  If Pete Caroll would just go off in a field and ejaculate himself to death, maybe the Seahawks could get some offensive play calling going like they did in the 3rd quarter last week.  Beckham woke up, Kelce is a force with a much better matchup this week, and Eifert is coming on.  Me perhaps?  Sigh, probably not.  Seahawks matchup with the Bears not enough to win it for the Tough Ombres.

 

Isotopes by 10

 

 

Germany’s Good Bubbly Brewster VS. Dublin’s Christine Bale Naked in my Bedroom with a Batmask On!

 

Stop fanaticizing in public Bruce!  Better.  Germany got a huge and unexpected win overcoming a great performance by O’Dell Beckham and another underperformance by C.J. Anderson.  Amari Cooper broke out and Joe Flacco found his rhythm!  But Matthews has to face the JETS and the Eagles are not flying high.  Why are the Eagles so much like the Reverend Billy Graham?  They can both make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ”!  Now they run into the European version of the Patriots this year.  That is Dublin.  Rodgers is Rodgers.  Cobb put up 116 yards last week and is getting fully healthy.  Landry broke out.  Murray broke out.  Olsen has the New Orleans defense.  Harvin had a full practice today with his hip issue.  I don’t see Germany overcoming Dublin.  Germany gets Blitzkrieged and I will have to suffer the Battle of the Bulge! (Was that a weight joke or a dick joke?  I don’t know!)

 

Dark Nights by 11

 

I think I nailed it!  Just like I nailed Justin Timberlake last week!  Booooyahhhh!  Thanks a mil to all you World League of Football peoples and save me a golden statue! 

 

Thanks, I guess, to Bruce Vilanch for our week 3 matchup review and good luck to everyone this week! 

New weeks are being added to the end of the string thanks to WIX "Updating" their site so it works like shit now...

WEEK 2

 

 

Greetings to all the Week 1 WLOF’ers!  It was the week of the Tight End!  Holy handballs!  Did you ever see so many high scoring Tight Ends in one week?  Gronk, well duh.  But hey, Kelce, Eifert, Sefarian-Jenkins, Witten, Ladarius Green, Bennett, Darren Fells (Darren Freakin’ Fells!), Graham, Ebron (seriously?), Delanie Walker, Lance Kendricks, Dawyne Allen, Gavin Escobar (really?), Chandler, Olsen….O.K., maybe not Olsen, but all the rest scored 1 or more TD’s week 1.  That’s redonkulous!  Heck, other Tight Ends still put up numbers with yards like Heath Miller, Jared Cook, Jordan Cameron, Kyle Rudolph, Vernon Davis, Zach Ertz, Charles Clay, Greg Olsen….well, maybe not Olsen.  Clearly week one QB’s were in dump it off mode.  Lots of high scoring hijinks and lots of tight games for the first week of the World League of Football.  High scoring team for week 1 in the WLOF went to the San Francisco Ship of Mules with 62.75 points.  Whom I got to play week 1.  Joy.  I beat any team in the America’s division.  ‘Cept them.  I love Fantasy Football. 

 

Week 1 of our celebrity reviews was a bust as the Trumpster went a dissappointing 3 - 5 in his predictions.  Here to sort out week 2 for us is the starting goalie for the World Cup winning 2015 U.S. Women’s Soccer team, Hope Solo.  Hope, please give me some hope and take it away!

 

Bad pun you loser!  I just put a beat down on Alex Morgan because she was getting full of herself in practice.  Don’t make me come over there and beat your ass down like I did with my half-sister and nephew!  They took my beer and they had it coming!  You are next you twerp!  OK, let me give you the straight shit on what is going to be pooped out by you turds for week 2.  Let’s do this!

 

 

Shots of Japan (0 – 1) VS. Tom Brady’s Flaccid Nutsack (1 – 0)

 

Right off the bat, a close call!  You have Brees vs. Romo (speaking of Romo, I would love to stick a couple of fingers up his bum and make him cough!), you have Lynch vs. Morris.  You have Antonio Brown and Edelman vs. Tate and Mathews.  Where do you separate this?  Slight advantage Hokkaido at RB, more of an advantage Pyongyang at WR.  Compare the Ravens Defence at Oakland vs. the Steelers hosing San Francisco and you got to go with the Ball Deflators here.  But it is CLOSE!

 

Pyongyang by 1

 

 

Pacific Cyclones (0 – 1) VS. New Zealand’s best Bearded Clams (1 – 0)

 

Anyone want a drink?  Say yes or I will slam your head into a concrete floor!   Bradford showed signs in the second half of coming to life, while Peterson won’t be held to 31 yards against Detroit.  10 Carries?  Are you serious?  And will the Broncos with Emmanuel Sanders sputter against the Chiefs like they did against the Ravens?  Maybe.  But a better week is probably in store for Kadena.  In a reverse, Stafford sucked the sperm out of the donkey in the second half of the Chargers game.  Can he put together a solid performance this week against Minnesota?  Charles and Ingram had good if not spectacular performances week 1 so look for that to repeat.  So Tarl got a TD out of Ebron week 1.  Do you keep starting him?  Or do you come to your senses and put in Ertz?  Who the fuck knows!  But for now, I will stick with the Running Backs of Wellington.

 

Cunning Stunts by 4

 

 

French Cowpokes (1 – 0) VS. Batman’s Irish Utility Belt (1 – 0)

 

Battle for supremacy in the European division!  Despite all media predictions, the Tough Ombres come out a beat up on the Drunk Nazi’s week 1.  How the hell did that happen?  When I beat up on my nephew, the Police came and stopped me before I could finish the job.  Where where the Police for Good German Beer?  Phillip Rivers did most of the beating.  Only thing is the Dark Knights have this Aaron Rodgers guy.  With Dez out, Terrence Williams becomes more of a valuable commodity for St. Mihiel, but Alfred Blue is up against the Panthers, (may be a Sproles week), Victor Cruz is still hurt, Antonio Gates and Martavius Bryant are still suspended, and Jordy Nelson is a pussy.  Even with Greg Olsen missing in action the Dark Knights handled their business with Cobb, Harvin, and Landry having good weeks.  They roll to the European division lead!

 

Dublin by 10

 

 

Nuclear Holocaust (0 – 1) VS. Drunken Lederhosen (0 – 1)

 

Wha happan?  Joe Flacco, C.J. Anderson, and  Amari Cooper bent over and took a serious corner kick to the ass.  Germany was the lowest scoring team for week 1 and dealt a smelly fart to its fans.  Do you honestly think they can turn the ship of turds around?  Well, Flacco has Oakland this week, and that will cure most ills.  Anderson is gimpy and facing the Chiefs.  Ouch.  Plus the Jets have Indy.  Chernobyl is in a better place with Wilson, Beckham, and Kelce all having difficult but doable matchups and a benching of drop ball specialist Marquise Colston.  If/when Gurley gets healthy this team could become a serious contender.  Too bad they don’t have Tre Mason in the interim.  Tough shitskies! 

 

Isotopes by 2

 

 

Despots of the Desert (1 – 0) VS. The Lion Poops Tonight (0 – 1)

 

Another tough game to call, kind of like the call I made punching my coach in the face.  She asked me what time it was.  Time for you to get punched in the face bitch!  That’s what time it is!  The Taliban has the right Manning for this matchup.  Mr. throw the ball out of the end zone giving Dallas time to win the game himself Eli Manning had a good week other than that.  Jeremy Hill may be a beast this year, and Julio Jones is showing signs of a monster season.  Oh, don’t forget the 2 TD 98 yard performance of DeAndre Hopkins!  Too bad the Vikings Defense is like a chain of lead around the neck.  Nairobi does counter with a big game from Matt Forte and a good matchup for the Rams Defense this week.  Too bad Peyton Manning is no longer the best Manning.  And playing the Chiefs is no week to get well.  Haters gonna hate.

 

Freedom Haters by 3

 

 

Waving your Life Goodbye (1 – 0) VS. Stop Whining (0 – 1)

 

Closest matchup yet.  Predictor has this as a .05 differential which means either this is going to be a tie or their collision will create an Anti-Matter annihilation causing a shock wave that will scatter debris for miles and miles.  For Sudan, matchups I like: Forsett running at Oakland, Witten at Philly, and Carlos Hyde running against anyone (especially the sieve of a defense Pittsburgh is trotting out there!).  Matchups I don’t like: Newton at Houston.  For Ouagadougou, matchups I like: Tannehill at Jacksonville, Doug Martin at New Orleans, and Calvin Johnson at Minny.  Matchups I don’t like: Demarius Thomas at Kansas City, and the Charges defense at Cincinnati.  This is a toss-up.

 

Sudan by 1

 

 

Wisconsin Death Squad (1 – 0) VS. Asses of the Sea (1 – 0)

 

How the hell did Kawishiwi win last week?  Answer, Matt Bryant gets 8.5 points, and Adam Vinatieri gets 0.  Since Indianapolis went for 2 on all their TD’s, he didn’t even get to try an extra point.  And he missed his 52 yard FG.  So, what does this week mean for Kawishiwi?  With Le’Veon Bell still on suspension, issues.  Jimmy Graham is still Jimmy Graham, pretty good matchups for everyone, but no #2 RB is death against the team that, when the America’s review comes out, is predicted to win the WLOF this year.  The Mules are loaded and they know it.  Brady and Gronk do have Buffalo’s defense this week, no easy task, and surely Chris Ivory is not a top 10 RB.  He’s not is he?  Could he be?  Well shit.  Mules kick ass.

 

San Francisco by 7

 

 

Denver’s Celebrity Apprentice Imprisoned Politicians (0 – 1) VS. Suck it! (0 – 1)

 

Bounce back is needed for both these teams after suffering defeat with top 8 scoring.  Unfortunately it will not get easier for either team.  Tough matchup again as this appears to be even.  Luck and Gore face the Jets, A.J. Green the Chargers, and Heath Miller the 49ers, while for Orinoco, Roethlisberger is raped by the 49ers, Eddie Lacy gets Seattle, and Keenan Allen gets the Bengals.  Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville is the wildcard here.  Big game from him seals the deal.

 

River Leeches by 2

 

So there you have it.  I just hit you upside your head with a 2 by 4 of knowledge!  Sometimes in order to win a World Cup, you have to beat some serious ass, even if it is your own family and teammates, or some Sub Commissioner who is standing in the wings chapping my ass!  I am Hope Solo and my necklace is worth more than your stupid life jackass!  Take that to the bank you butt monkey!  Solo is out!

 

Well thank you Hope for that outlook on this week in the WLOF.  Just so you know, you are a full blown coo coo.   I would use the word Psychopath even.  You are the only person I know who beat up someone, your nephew even, while listening to Bob Dylan’s ‘Bring It All Back Home’.  I think it says it all.  Errr, security, please.  Yes, please remove her [obscenity laced tired occurring in background].  OK then.  Please join us next week for week 3 encapsulated.  Until then, don’t meet Hope Solo in a dark alley. 

 

WEEK 1

 

Greetings World League of Football owners!  Welcome to the week 1 rundown of the WLOF.  Our first weeks review is hosted by Presidential hopeful Donald Trump.  I am sure he needs the extra press. 

Thank you Micah, and no, I don’t need the extra press.  I am paying for my own campaign and I think you should donate all your extra profits from me being your reviewer.  While I refuse to brag, my presence is going to increase your viewer interest giving you free profit from my appearance.  [Uh, Mr. Trump, we don’t make any money from these reviews.  They are kind of a courtesy…]  Nonsense!  You will be making money hand over fist with me here.  CNN went from charging $5,000 for 30 seconds of ad time during the first Republican debate to $200,000 per 30 seconds for the upcoming one.  And I will tell you why without bragging.  Me!  That is a 4000% increase and you will see that same increase because of Donald J. Trump!  [But Mr. Trump, 4000% increase over zero is still zero…]  Money!  You will make money!  Enough of your babbling, you are wasting time with your babbling!  Let get to the review:

 

Big Waves vs. Lion’s Den

Our first matchup features the WLOF Superbowl XVII champion Sudan Tsunami taking on the Nairobi Pride.  The Tsunami have Dez, Cam, and Forsett.  The Pride have Peyton, Forte, and Alshon.  That is close to a wash, but a slight advantage to the Pride.  But the 2nd string Jon is putting out of Witten, Hyde, the Cowboys and Boldin is not up to Blake’s group of Andre Johnson, Dwayne Allen, Coleman, and the Rams.  Too many Colts and Bears for the Sudan to overcome.

 

Pride by 8

 

Tom Brady’s secret passion vs. Storm of the Century

When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal?  They kill us.  I beat China all the time.  All the time.  How about the North Korean’s?  That is up to the Kadena Typhoons.  Pyongyang has a solid team anchored by Brees and Antonio Brown, but they are in it up to their eyeballs with Peterson, Hilton, and Emmanuel Sanders.  The clincher here is the Ball Deflators have the Ravens Defense against the Broncos, while Kadena has the Chiefs taking on the Texans.  Matchup issues deflate the Yangs.

 

Typhoons by 6

 

Gay French Cowboys vs. Drunk Nazi Fanatics

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best.  They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them.  They’re bringing drugs.  They’re bringing crime.  They’re rapists.  And some, I assume, are good people.  I always thought Jordy Nelson was good people.  Then he injured himself on a no contact play in practice.  That’s not good people and it damn sure is not right.  St. Mihiel was the runner up last year in the WLOF, but the injury to Jordy Nelson has them playing behind the 8-ball.  Rivers and McCoy are going to have to carry this team.  Will it be enough against Good German Beer’s rookies Gordon and Cooper and veterans C.J. Anderson and Jordan Mathews?  Note, I am not bringing up Joe Flacco.  He is not good people.  He is a turd.  The answer is not even close.

 

Beer by 12

 

Seaborne Asses vs. Imprisoned Ex-Illinois Governors

The U.S. cannot allow EBOLA infected people back [into the country].  People that go to far away places to help out are great, but must suffer the consequences!  There will be suffering in the Americas division with this matchup.  It is a dead even heat.  With Brady no longer suspended, the San Francisco Mules have their full lineup back, and a QB to counteract Luck.  The Blagojeviches have a slight edge at WR and QB, but the Mules have the edge at RB, and a definite edge at TE with Gronk.  The deciding factor?  The Panthers are playing the Jaguars, while the Cardinals are playing the Saints.  Advantage Springfield.

 

Blagojeviches by 1

 

Mass Murderers vs. Blood Sucking Annelids

This election is a total sham and a travesty.  Every poll has me winning BIG.  If you listen to dopey Karl Rove, a Trump hater, on the O’reilly Factor, you would think I am doing poorly.  Speaking of doing poorly, the Kawishiwi Killers have some issues.  Their RB Gray has been released, and RB’s Blount and Bell are suspended.  They are stuck with backup 14th round pick Ronnie Hillman as the lone RB and a 3 wide out lineup without having a good 3rd WR.   Kendall Wright?  More like Kendall Wrong!  The River Leeches are at full strength and running Eddie Lacy against a Bears defense and Lamar Miller against the Redskins.  Nuff Said.

 

River Leeches by 14

 

ISIS vs. Organized Whiners

ISIS just built a hotel in Syria.  Can you believe this?  They built a hotel.  When I have to build a hotel, I pay interest.  They don’t have to pay interest, because they took the oil that, when we left Iraq, I said we should’ve taken.  The Taliban Freedom Haters are also going to be taking.  Taking a victory from the tough Ouagadougou Protesters.  QB with Eli vs. Tannehill is a wash.  Julio Jones and Hopkins are not quite Calvin Johnson and Demaryius Thomas, but Hill is going to be the difference maker.  The question is whether Mike Norris goes with the young Yeldon or a 3rd WR (Sammy Watkins or Decker) and how will Randle perform for the Protesters in the 2RB slot.  I am going to go with a big day from Hill against Oakland.

 

Freedom Haters by 3

 

Smart Stunt Men vs. Japanese Drunks

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.  I know some of you may think I’m tough and harsh, but actually I’m a very compassionate person with a very high IQ and strong common sense.  Unlike Governor Perry [of Texas] who failed on the boarder.  He should be forced to take an IQ test before being allowed to enter the GOP debate.  You don’t have to have a high IQ to see that Wellington and Hokkaido have a pretty even matchup this week.  Both have mid-range strong QB that wash in Stafford against Romo.  Both have that stud RB in Charles vs. Lynch.  The difference maker is Mark Ingram vs. a 3rd WR in Michael Floyd.  I like Evans and Tate if Evans is fully ready to go, but Ingram is the difference maker.  Cunning as they are, these are well balanced Stunts.

 

Stunts by 3

 

Batman vs. Radioactive Related Disasters

People ask me, as a Presidential candidate, why do I have to call Rosie O’Donnell unattractive inside and out, and say I feel sorry for Rosie’s new partner in love whose parents are devastated at the thought of their daughter being with a true loser?  Why is it necessary to comment on Arianna Huff’s looks?  Because they are dogs who wrongfully comment on me!  Commenting on the Dublin Dark Nights and the Chernobyl Isotopes,  here are two more teams probably using a 3 WR set.  Dublin, due to lack of drafting a good 2nd RB.  Chernobyl, due to Gurley being a girly man.  The Isotopes have Beckham, a real stud, but Randal Cobb and Jarvis Landry are a nice tandem.  Ultimately, Rodgers is one of the few QB’s that have an advantage over Wilson, and Latavius Murray is an upgrade over the Isotopes 2nd RB in Jennings.  Plus Texas defending against Chiefs is better than Eagles against the Falcons.  3 small advantages leading up to one large win for Dublin.

 

Knights by 5

 

Those are the correct answers.  You can be sure of that because you received them from Donald J. Trump and I am sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest, and you all know it!  Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.  Just like with Steve Jobs.  I’ve always been a fan of Steve Jobs, and it’s too bad he is dead, especially after watching Apple stock collapse without him, but the yacht he built is truly ugly.  Just saying.  Also saying, all of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously.  That’s to be expected of course.  And of course, I will sign off with, “Your Fired!”.  No, when I buy out the WLOF, you are fired Sub Commish!

                Thank you Mr. Trump for that wonderful review.  Tune in for Week 2 reviews next Wednesday.  Until then, good luck, and good night!

WEEK 4

 

 

 

Greetings fellow WLOF’ers and welcome to Week 4 of the World League of Football!  This week sees the WLOF with only 2 teams remaining who are undefeated.  The San Francisco Ship of Mules under Brock Eddleman are king of the heap in the Americas division, and the Dublin Dark Knights under Tedd Lucht are running away with things in the European division.  Understandably, these are the top 2 scoring teams in the league.  We also have 3 defeated teams looking to get their first win this week.  Hokkaido, Chernobyl, and Springfield are all at 0 – 3 and in need of necessitation.  Fun fact, despite being the 6th highest scoring team in the league and also the 6th highest scoring team in week 3 , Springfield’s defeat this week hinged on two plays.  First, Heath Miller was taken down on a clear TD pass and pass interference was called.  Take 3 points off the board for Heath, and then let Le’Veon Bell take a pass and score from the one, and a 6 point swing occurs because Pittsburgh hates me.  Also, even worse, that crazy fuckstick Washington rookie RB Matt Jones is going in for a score, when he is hit on the one and, trying to reach with one hand like a Monkey fucking a football, he fumbles through the end zone and a 3 point score becomes a -1 point fumble.  4 point swing.  Lost by less than 2.  Eat me. 

 

With that said, allow me to table my foul mood and let us move forward in history to week 4, where we have Pop Star, annoying actress, and doughnut licking anti American freak show Ariana Grande here to  preview our week 4 matchups.  Ariana, you over important self-indulgent pop talent, please take the floor!

Bitter much old guy?  Whatever.  Hi everybody!  Ariana Grande is here to straighten out your Fantasy Football World.  Let’s get the reviews so you have one less problem without me!

 

Nazitime Funtime (1 – 2) VS. Homosexual Safe City (3 – 0)

 

Plant love, grow Peace!  And death to America.  No, I really love America!  And Doughnuts!  American kids are all overweight and too fat so if my licking doughnuts brings this issue to people’s attention I have done my part!  Your welcome.  What is also welcome is the bye week for the Patriots as far as Tim Richards is concerned.  No Brady, No Gronk, no worries!  With Amari Cooper immerging and playing a pitiful Bear Defense along with Flacco finding some footing Tim should have the best shot at taking out the Ship of Mules.  Ivory being gimpy and Steve Smith against Pitt means precious few bullets for the Mules this week.  Winning with Andy Dalton?  Sounds like a bad self help book.

 

Germany by 11

 

 

Random Rod Fans (0 – 3) VS. French Badasses (2 – 1)

 

Everyone is beautiful, everyone is perfect, and everyone is lovely.  Except all my ex boyfriends.  Death to America.  Doug and the St. Mihiel continue to buck the odds and keep winning with a depleted lineup.  But this week McCoy will be out so Karlos Williams will take his place.  Maybe not such a bad thing.  But Vernon Davis is gimpy, the suspended players of Gates and Bryant still have one more week to go, Victor Cruz is not quite back yet, and Terrence Williams did not catch a pass last week with that blithering idiot Brandon Weeden behind center.  Springfield is the winner of the take it in the ass award for the last 3 weeks, so will they get a reprieve on the bunghole assault they have suffered from Andrew Luck?  Well, they don’t really have a choice with Mariota’s bye week, so hope A.J. Green goes off for 17 points again and it isn’t wasted on fumbling fucknuts.  Springfield breaks through with their first win.

 

Blagojeviches by 9

 

 

Parasitic Blood Suckers (1 – 2) VS. Batman’s Butt Packing Packer Squad (3- 0)

 

Be happy with being you and never take yourself too seriously.  And death to America.  For being the odds on favorite pick for the WLOF this year, things are not looking up for Lindsay.  Everyone’s favorite rapist, Roethisberger is out for at least 4 weeks leaving Michael Vick in his wake.  Arian Foster is not quite ready for TV and Lamar Miller has to be one of the top 3 disappointing performers in fantasy football this year.  Oh, and Cameron is gimpy.  Dublin is sizzling hot.  En fuego!  5 TD’s from Rodgers, 3 of whom went to Cobb, causing a scoring overload this week for the Dark Knights.  How can you pick against them this week?  Murray has a fantastic matchup, Olsen went off last week, and no major injuries or bye issues.  Yes, Eddie Lacy starts for the River Leeches and may be a nice chunk of Kryptonite in the  Aaron Rodgers armor, but this is not a good week to be a Leech.

 

Dark Knights by 3

 

 

Psychopaths or Sociopaths? (2 – 1) VS. This Year’s Nuclear Meltdown

(0 – 3)

 

I love my fans so much!  I know I say it all the time, but I really appreciate all the things they have done for me!  And death to America.  The “Psychic” Commish.  0 – 3.  Does not compute.  Wha’ happen?  You have Beckham, you have Kelce, you have Russell Wilson.  Why they not good?  RB is an issue.  And the bench and 2nd string are not helping out much.  On the other hand, the Killers are 2nd lowest scoring 2 -1 team in the WLOF but are just now hitting their stride.  Le’Veon Bell is back and hopefully will not suffer the effects of the knee less Roethlisburger raping fiend.  Matt Ryan has been doing his thing.  Graham had a good week against the Bears, and Detroit with probably offer little more resistance.  Assuming Chernobyl decides to put their picked up kicker in their lineup, they are outclassed at every position except Beckham at wide out.  Killers Kill it!

Kawishiwi by 12

 

 

Death to America! (2 – 1) VS. Death to America 2!  Electric Boogaloo

(2 – 1)

 

Block out the negative energy, and just love!  And death to America.  Like licking a doughnut, the same can be said for trying to lick your favorite in law!  It is Brother in law VS. Sister in law in the ultimate Death to America battle!  First the bad news.  Mike and the Taliban have injuries to Decker, Sammy Watkins, and the persistent Julio Jones “Did Not Practice” status.  Plus Eli is going against the Bills, and Hill has a tough assignment against the Chiefs.  On the opposite side of things, Amy and Pyongyang have a key piece, Eddleman, on the bye week, and Green coming off concussion protocol (but did practice in a limited role Wednesday).  Brees is iffy for this week, and Alfred Morris is losing carries as we speak.  Finish this off with a common rapist them in that main stud Antonio Brown does not have Roelisburger but rather dog killer Michael Vick and just a bad week to be in North Korea.  Julio Jones and Hopkins carry the day.

 

Freedom Haters by 8

 

 

Surf the Riptide (1 – 2) VS. New Zealand’s Queef Matrix (2 – 1)

 

Be happy with being you.  Love your flaws.  Own your quirks.  Know that you are just as perfect as anyone else, exactly as you are.  And death to America.  Will the Cunning Stunts play Bortles or Stafford?  Stafford has Seattle as a matchup, whereas Bortles has Indy.  Tough call.  And when do you C.J. Spiller?  When you have Charles and Ingram, you gotta wait on those bye weeks.  The time to play the Waves is when there is no Dez Bryant.  So now-ish.  Wellington’s issues though are deep seeded in the WR corps.  Shorts and Matthews are not going to cut it.  Agholor time again?  Adams seems to be a no go.  Sudan, on the other hand, has got a hot QB in Newton, but WR depth issues of their own.  Nate Washington is a long step back from Bryant.  And with 2 49er’s in the lineup with Boldin and Hyde, who are we going to see?  Week 1 San Fran, or week 3 San Fran?  I say death to America!  And Newton has another big day.

 

Sudan by 4

 

 

Josh Scobee Nairobi? (2 – 1) VS. Sake to me! (0 – 3)

 

Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen.  It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying.  It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.  And venereal diseases.  Lick a doughnut and death to America.  Nairobi has an off the charts hot value.  Larry Fitzgerald has come on like he is 25 again.  Matt Forte has been the lone bright spot in the otherwise horrible season the Bears have pooped out.  Even Peyton Manning has put up some numbers for his mediocre performance.  But Dwayne Allen is iffy, Andre Johnson is not very good yet.  Gostkowski is on a bye week.  Alshon Jeffery is not full strength.  Very little bench help this week for Blake.  Hokkaido, on the other hand, has its own demons to wrestle with.  Romo is still a Homo, and is sitting for a Clavicle time out.  Everyone is waiting for Marshawn Lynch to come out and play.  For reals.  And Mike Evans.  Is he finally getting into the flow with his new QB?  Anytime you start Brandon Weeden there is an instant gag reflex that occurs.  But injuries are going to overcome the Pride.  Hokkaido is off the shnide.

 

Sake Bombers by 2

 

 

Burkina Faso Remonstration Squad (1 – 2) VS. Insufferable Japanese Cyclones (2 – 1)

 

OK look.  Seeing a video of yourself behaving poorly, that you have no idea was taken, is such a rude awakening, that you don’t know what to do.  So I just licked more doughnuts.  I mean, when I said, “What the fuck is that?  I hate Americans.  I hate America.”, that was taken out of context.  I think I was bullied by the press for comments that were taken out of context.  If anyone tries to bully you don’t let them.  Take the positive energy, form a ball of rainbow power and just, like shove it.  Up their ass.  All the way up!  And death to America.  Jason comes in with a team that is, quite simply, underperforming.  Tannehill has another tough matchup with the Jets, and just has not done much.  Thomas is suffering from the new offensive run first theme in Denver, and Manning just not zipping throws like he used to.  And not having enough time in the pocket.  Johnson is in kind of the same boat, but at least has an upside with a younger QB.  Randle had a big week last week, but it was for naught.  Hell, Nairobi took to starters with zeros and still won!   Kadena has its own underperformers that are starting to pick things up.  Hilton finally had a better week.  Peterson has definitely bounced back from his week 1 blues and has been worthy of his first round draft status.  March Emmanuel Sanders and there are some weapons here.  But Sam Bradford seems to be regressing before our eyes.  336 week 1 yards, 224 week 2 yards, and 118 week 3 yards.  Yuck.  Throw in James Stewart’s questionable status and the Patriot bye week and there are some fleas here.  But I will stick with Kadena until the Protesters turn in a week where 2 or more starts shine

 

Typhoons by 7

 

OK that covers week 4!  Don’t be fat you American’s and death to America.  Grande out!

Thank you Ariana and I think you’re acting on Sam & Cat as Cat Valentine may be the low point for Disney and possible the most annoying performance I have ever witnessed.  But hey, you do have a few good tunes so lick on you doughnut licking freak!   Good luck to all and remember that the Jets and Dolphins are a 8:30 AM game as they are playing in London!  So have your lineups ready early!  Good luck!
 

WEEK 6

Previews.  This week we have something special on tap.  Double Platinum selling Rapper Jayceon Terrell Taylor, better known by his stage name, “The Game” is here to review week five in the World League of Football.  He broke onto the rap scene in 2002 with his first album “You Know What It is Vol 1” with Get Low Recordz owned by JT the Bigga Figga.  This got him noticed by Dr. Dre who signed him to Aftermath Entertainment and produced The Double Platinum album, “The Documentary” in 2005, and “Doctor’s Advocate” with Fiddy Cent in 2006.  After a Beef with 50 Cent, he left Aftermath for Geffen Records in 2006.  His 4 other albums since then, “LAX” 2008, “The R.E.D. Album” 2011, “Jesus Piece” 2012, and “OKE” in 2013 were all on the billboard top 100.  Straight outta Compton, and that’s no lie, here is THE GAME!

 

Yo’, yo’, yo’, homes, what up?  [Micah]: Thank you for being here Game.  Have to ask, what is up with all the, and I believe the Hip Hop term is “Beefs”,  with other fellow Rappers?  You have reportedly had “Beefs” in the past or currently with rappers such as Fiddy cent, Jay-Z, Eminem, Chris Brown, Memphis Bleek, Ras Kass, JaRule, Stitches, Joe Budden, Yukmouth, and of course, Young Thug.  [The Game] Aw sheet.  Dat muddafucka is straight up a whackadaddy.  Lookit.  When you throw down with your crew and your posse, you gotta protect what is yours dig?  Some n*gga be steppin’ off on your homes, you gotta step on him see?  Get in they grill an’ shit.  Don’t front if you aint no playa!  [Micah] Game, you were quoted on Skee TV as rapping, “since I was 10-years-old, I was a young blood. These days y’all n*ggas got Young Thug. Ya’ll favorite rappers wear skirts. My favorite rappers used to put motherf*ckers in a hearse.”  Is this the new thing to rap about other rappers you are beefing with?  And do you have any comments on the Instagram war that Young Thug and Stitches have tried to start with you? 

[The Game] Yo’, whatever wid Young Thug and that Stiches Bitch. To whatever lame mothafucka it concern: creating fake DM's pretending to be talkin to me.... That's hoe shit, when will these bitch niggas learn? You begged to get in my section tryna get a picture in Miami & I said "fuck that weird looking ass nigga to yo face".... You got sad Game ain't wanna take a picture wit yo sucka ass, now you on social media posting guns ??? The nigga that paint his nails & wear Girl Scout skirts more of a threat than you..... Betta be easy outchea bitch.... Niggas you think is yo niggas is MY NIGGAS..... These days niggas kill they self, you ain't even gotta do nothing.  Punk ass bitches.  People don’t really wanna beef with me because if it get real, then it’s a problem.  Fuck dis shit, let’s do the WLOF shit now homes.  Here da dope info yo’:

 

 

Kadena Punk Ass Bitches (2-2) VS.  Dem Taliban Muddfuckas (3 -1)

 

Shame that Remy took 8 flat, you know the game wack, And every last rapper here tryna bring the name back, It ain't rap, niggaz better stay strapped, Or you could call the stick-up boys, try to get your chain back.  Wid Peterson on da bye, and Stewart on da bye, who be starting for dis muddafucka?  Tre Mason?  Shheeeet.  Cheifs D aint been all dat.  Dis Taliban Muddafucka?  Yeldon be a comer!  And Hopkins doubled up Hilton on Thurday Night yo!  But the Buccaneers D?  Whack.  Still, Eli better dan dat beiotch Bradford.  Bradford be trippin’. 

 

Taliban Muddahfuckas by 6

 

 

Pyongyang Commie Muddahfuckas (2 – 2) VS. Ouagadougou Where Da Fuck Dat Be At? (2 – 2)

 

Hit the block and post up. Then gather the crew hit childs to toast up. Hoes breaking their neck tryna see me close up. What what! Panamera red folks, peanut butter guts on my Pauly Shore shit?  So iz Brees back yo’?  Dees Muddahfuckas from North Korea an’ shit finally be playin’ my man Freeman.  Edelman iz a dope white boy off a bye week, Morris got him more touches dis week, and yo’, my man, Antonio Brown an’ shit.  Dees Protesters gots Cutler az de starter.  Say What?  They be needin’ big weeks out a Thomas and Johnson.  Don’t know if Johnson can do dat wid Arizona. 

 

Commie Muddafuckas by 6

 

 

Wellington Furious Five Stunt Fuckas (3 -1) VS. Nairobi Lions n’ Shit (2 – 2)

 

Hey boy what's ya name? Lookin like a rapper, but you prolly push 'cain.  Rockin ya drop top pumpin game.  Frontin like you really that hard to tame.  Dis Wellington Muddafucka be hot yo’.  He be benchin’ that punk ass Stafford for Bortles.  Charles will run wild on da Bears.  But he got himz 9 yards from Phillip Dorsett.  He had to play dis muddafucka wid Matthews on da bye, and Ebron, Adams, and Shorts all injured and shit.  If Jeffery is back, can dis Muddafucka from Nairobi win?  Manning is graspin’ at dicks yo’, and Reed my not be playin’.  Also left Andre Johnson on da bench and he put up 9.85 on 2 TD’s.  Lost faith ya’ honkey!

 

Dat Wellington Muddafucka by 2 

 

 

Hokkaido Sock Ass Bomb Hos (1 – 3) VS. Sudan Aint Dat One o’ Dem Big Ass Waves N’ Shit? (1 – 3)

 

How you throwing a stocking cap and aint never cocked it back. Nigga copy that, capiche nigga.  AK47 with the sawdy rag, niggas better duck cause it aint a paparazzi flash. 2011 Gang banging, y’all copycats.  How dis muddafucka win last week?  He may see his ass win again.  Sheet!  Yeah, he be playin’ Brandin Weeden like a muddafucka, but dis Sudan muddafucka be playin’ Josh Johnson like a real muddafucka and gots him a big fat 0 for QB.  Question.  What did the one white muddafuckin’ cracker ass honkey say to the other white muddafuckin’ cracker ass honkey who drafted 2 QB’s wit da same bye week?  YOU A DUMB ASS MUDDAFUCKIN’ CRACKER ASS HONKEY YO’!  Both dees cracker ass honkeys drafted Cowboys and both dem iz 1 – 3.  Dat be whatcha get you muddfucka cracker ass honkies!  Unless Hyde or Forsett have another big ass week, if Lynch be playin’ for da Bombers, dat be dat.

 

Hokkaido Muddafuckin’ Bombers by 13

 

 

Dublin Bat Man Muddafuckas (3 – 1) VS. Kawishiwi River Killin’ Muddafuckas (3 – 1)

 

Nigga dont do LeBrons, Kobe up on the weekends. Jordans Monday through Friday especially when I'm freakin.  Them cool greys, thats Monday. Them Space jams thats Tuesday. That Spike Lees on Wednesday. 23 in my Benz eh.  Well, I should say the flower is off the bloom for Dublin.  They suffered their first negative outcome of the season.  Hahahahaha!!  Yo’, yo’, yo’, I be messin’ wit cha an’ shit wid dat impression of dat muddafucka Al Michaels!  Yo’, Dublin got beat down like a punk ass muddafucka!  Rogers wid 1 TD and the rest of da team sucked ass yo’!  Shit like dat happen dog.  Keeps muddafuckas up at night an’ shit.  Facts be dis iz a great matchup yo’.  Troubles iz, Dublin played dem punk ass Texans D Thursday and gots 1 point.  Sheet.  Thowz in Rodgers takin’ on the Rams D, verses Ryan takin’ on the Washington D and Le’Veon tips dis shit to Kawishiwi.

 

Dem Muddafuckin’ Killers by 1

 

 

Chely the What the Fuck Ever (0 – 4) VS.  Orrinoco Don’t be Suckin’ My Blood Yo! (2 – 2)

 

Friday I aint lying, King Of Diamonds I'm in heaven. Red Bone pussy poppin on my black and red 11s.  Will dis muddafucka Webber ever make up hiz muddafuckin’ mind on where da fuck he at?  He be 0 and 4.  Dat where he at.  He be benchin’ Jennings last week and da muddafucka gots 7.6 points..  He benched Gurley and he got 8.05.  He did play Duke Johnson who did catch a TD, but he played a bunch of punk azz WR who did nothin’.  Punk.  Azz.  On paper, dis team should be good.  Put they don’t play dis shit on paper.  Orinoco gots Foster wid 5.9 points and Vinatieri wid 5.5 on Thursday, so she be off to a good azz start.  Even wid Vick startin’, I be givin’ this shit to her.

 

Orinoco Punk Azz Leeches by 4

 

 

St. Mihiel French Cowboy Havin’ Muddafuckas (3 – 1) VS. San Francisco Gay Ass Muddafuckas (4 – 0)

 

You niggas is featherweights, I'm Aftermath's heavyweight. Now Dre's weapon of mass destruction is 'bout to detonate.  Started off on Ground Zero, then I start to levitate. Rip rappers a new asshole: I never hesitate.  Sup wid dis shit?  How dis muddafucka be 3 and 1?  He ain’t s’posed to be shit.  But here hiz azz is!  I know why dis other muddafucker be 4 and 0.  Tom Brady and dat Gronk muddafucka.  He be the TE from da Patriots who didn’t kill no muddafuckas.  Hey, Gates iz back!  And dat muddafucka Rivers is playin’ like a Forrest Gump all American muddafucka.  But Brady gonna beat some shit out of dem dis week.  And Gronk gonna shit in their mouths.  He a sick muddafucka.  Like R. Kelly and shit.

 

San Francisco Muddafuckas by 8

 

 

Springfield Fight Da Man Bitches! (0 – 4) VS.  Germany Get Da Fuck Outa Here Ya Damn Nazis! (1 – 3)

 

Snow on my wirst call that rollie big bear. See it in the light though 'woooo!  Ric Flair.  Im not no follower, I'm a leader. I aint a soldier, I'm a general, so I'm gonna leave it at that, man.  Yo’, dis Springfield muddafucka needs to give dis shit up.  Rivers muddafucked him dis week, and Gore fumbled on the 1 tryin’ to score a TD costing him 3 for the TD, and 1.5 for the fumble.  He lost by muddafuckin’ 4.  Give yo’ shit up fucka!  But Gore did get 7.9 on Thursday yo’.  And his dumb azz finally benched Luck for Mariota.  And dem German muddafuckas have been strugglin’.  They have da most points scored against dem in da league.  So I gonna say this battle of da bums sees Springfield get off da crapper. 

 

Springfield lookin’ muddafuckas by 7

 

 

OK yo’, dat be it ya World League muddafuckas.  You know how a butterfly is the symbol of new life, a new beginning. I'm just tryin to live, man. I just wanna live to see my son grow.  I got shot in the leg. I believe in God, man, and I need to be a little bit more thankful, man, cause a lotta people that aint here.  Me, myself, I'm not a star. I'm just a regular guy who has a great rap album and is the protégé of Dr. Dre. But I'm the most down-to-earth guy.  PEACE!  I’m out muddafuckas! 

 

Well awesome!  I understand I get to win this week!  How awesome!  Thanks to “The Game” for sharing this shit, sorry!  I mean information with the WLOF owners.  Good luck everyone and PuuuuuEACE!

WEEK 6 Review

Greetings fellow WLOF'ers and welcome to week 6 in the World League of Football.  Our reviewier this week comes in with a level of class that, frankly, we are unaccostmed to. Lasker award winner and Nobel laureate winner in Physiology or Medicine, Tu Youyou from the People’s Republic of China is here to make sense of week 6. She won her Nobel and her Lasker for discovering artemisinin (derived from sweet wormwood), also known as qinghaosu, and dihydroartemisinin. These are new treatments for malaria which have saved millions of lives. She has been working on this since the Cultural Revolution in China, when scientists were considered one of the nine black categories in society (read your damn little Red Handbook people!) and reached her discovery over a period of 10 years. She was published anonymously in 1977. She was allowed to speak to the World Health Organization in 1981, but was relatively unknown even within her own country until 2011 when the impact of her work and the lives saved in countries suffering from malaria in the tropics caused the Lasker committee to recognize her. This led to the Nobel committee awarding her the Nobel prize for Medicine in 2015. Mrs. Tu, the floor is yours.

 

[Via translator] Thank you Mr. Bandy very much. [Micah] There is something I must ask. How confusing is it for you when people sing you Happy Birthday? [Tu Youyou] I don’t understand your question. [Micah] You know what, never mind. [Tu Youyou] Very well. Thank you everyone for having me! I have always followed your football since the Peking Dragons were in China. When they left, many of our people will filled with a great sadness.  But you have a franchise in North Korea.  Most sad.  To the review.

 

 

Springfield (0 – 5) VS. Dublin (3 – 2)

 

Luck verses Rodgers.  Start of season, you would think Luck.  Now, Rodgers and it’s not even close.  Yes, Cobb is hobbled and Murray is on the bye leaving Giovani Bernard as the only RB, but bye weeks hit Springfield too and Luck is well, shitty.  Maybe play Mariota?  He took the festival of dongs up ye olde buttox last week so that might not be a good plan.  Dark Knights had the Blagojeviches their sixth loss in a row.

 

Dark Knights by 10

 

 

Pyongyang (2 – 3) VS. Nairobi (2 – 3)

 

Both these teams are trending the wrong direction.  But Pyongyang has been due to Brees being injured and the lack of playing Freeman.  That is over.  Both came up large on Thurasday spotting Pyongyang a 24.70 to 1.00 lead (Trevor Coleman did get 40 rushing yards, and a turnover).  Manning is just not Manning.  Dwayne Allen and Andre Johnson suffer from the Luck virus, and the Rams bye week spells issues.  This may not be close.

 

Ball Deflators by 18

 

 

Taliban (4 – 1) VS. Hokkaido (1 – 4)

 

This may not be a week for close matchups.  Hokkaido still is missing Romo.  McCown has been impressive these last few weeks, but he hits the Denver defense this week.  Evans is on the bye, and Lynch has been a no show.  On the flip side, Julio Jones did get 4.65 points Thursday, a bit underperforming, but you still have Hill, Eli, and Hopkins to dodge and that is just too many balls to avoid.

 

Freedom Haters by 15

 

 

San Francisco (5 – 0) VS. Chel’yabinsk (1 – 4)

 

A slight last minute pickup fracas has died down, and Chernobyl, or Chel’yabinsk, or whatever, got off the snide with their first win.  Too bad they hit the WLOF juggernaut this week with Gurley, who is starting to take off, on the bye.   No injuries or bye week issues for San Fran.  Their big underperformer, Brandin Cooks, is a non-factor as they just plug in pickup James Jones.  No two in a row for the Isotopes.  With Beckham fighting a hammy injury, this is a walk over.

 

Ship of Mules by 9

 

 

Orinoco (2 – 3) VS. St. Mihiel (3 – 2)

 

The surprise team of the year in the World League has got to be St. Mihiel.  This team should not have sniffed a win with their 2nd round pick going out for the season.  But Phillip Rivers has been a horse.  A hairy gay horse no one wants to pet, but a horse none the less.  McCoy is back!  Gates is unsuspended!  Bryant is unsuspended!  And Roeslisburger is still out for the River Leeches.  Lacy and Foster have pretty good matchups, but the Steelers taking on Arizona is a tough matchup for Vick. 

 

Tough Ombres by 2

 

 

Kawishiwi (4 – 1) VS. Germany (2 – 3)

 

On paper, this should be a blowout with Amari Cooper on the bye.  Ryan had a good Thursday game, but Bryant just got 3 extra points, and the Falcons D put up a whopping .5pts to give the QB, K, and DEF total for Kawishiwi 14.88.  Not a good start.  With Le’Veon Bell and Jimmy Graham left there is still some potential, but Graham has the Panthers and has not been heavily involved in the offense since Pete Caroll is a grade a schmuck.  Bell has the Cardinals.  On the flip side, the trade for Clevland TE Gary Barnidge is useful as the C.J. Anderson debacle marches on.  Flacco and Gordon need to keep carrying this team.  This is a squeeker, but after the no show of Atlanta D, and the Jets probably putting up 4 or 5, this will go to the Nazi’s.

 

Good Beer by 1

 

 

Kadena (2 – 3) VS. Sudan (2 – 3)

 

It is shit or get off the pot time for both these teams.  Both these teams really need to salt away 6 of the next 8 games to ensure a post season.  7 wins may get you in, but 8 is pretty much a lock.  The Tsunami got a great start with Ben Watson dropping a 9.35 from the TE position on Thursday.  They may be tough to overcome.  Talk about filling in for the Witten bye week.  Bill finally ditched the Z man as a kicker, but Hilton is yet another WR suffering from the Luck virus.  That shit is leathal!  This is no sure thing as Bradford had a nice week last week, and Peterson had a week off to get healthy.  Also Emmanuel Sanders has the Cleveland Defense to run wild through, and Bennett has Detroit.  But the Tusnami start will hold up.

 

Tusnami by 4

 

 

Ouagadougou (3 – 2) VS. Wellington (4 -1)

 

Now for two teams trending in the right direction.  Except for the season ending injury to Jamaal Charles.  Boy, drafting Knile Davis as a handcuff would sure be looking like a sage move at this point in the season.  Wellington did get a great Thursday start from the other big RB they have in Ingram with 2 TD’s.  Too bad they choose to handcuff him with Spiller who wasted space Thrusday with 1.35 points for a total of 10.15 from Wellington’s RBs.  The Protesters through 1.6 points from Thursday TE Jacob Tamme.  Downside for Protesters, Damarius Thomas is questionable with a neck injury and Doug Martin and Randle are on the bye.  Plus side, great matchup for Cutler.  Wellington downside, besides the obvious loss of Charles, the lack of decent receiving targets is troubling.  There just are not any good bullets left for Wellington to fire.  Toss up going to Ouagadougou.

 

Protesters by 1

 

 

Well, thank you everyone for letting me speak.  I have not always had that luxury.  Good luck to all!

 

 

Thank you Mrs. Tu.  Tune in next week for our week 7 review.  Until then, happy fantasying!

 

Micah, Sub Commish

 

 

 

WEEK 7 Matchup Review:

Greetings everyone and welcome to the week 7 matchup preview in the World League of Football! This week we have blown through much of our budget to get a bigger name here to help out with our review. Please welcome Gwyneth Paltrow to oversee our matchups for the 7th week of the season. Gwyneth…

 

Like I have time for this! It is so time consuming and tough to be a star! It’s not like the easy life a stay home mom of five has. It is just constantly, you know, being a star! I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000.00 a year. [Micah] Gwyneth, do you have time for a couple of questions? [Paltrow] No, I don’t, but whatever. [Micah] I just wanted to say how much of an honor it is to have you here and ask how it is going living in London? [Paltrow] You bet it is an honor for you to have me here. I love the English Way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don’t talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don’t tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is “I’m not achieving enough, I’m not making enough, I’m not shaving my armpits, I’m not at the top of the pile, I’m not worried about brushing my teeth.” It’s just kind of like, I am. And it is so different from the United States. Europe seems to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. In the United States, and old building is about 17 years old, and over there it’s from 500 B.C. It’s incredible! [Micah] Mmmm’kay, I would say most old structures in the U.S. are more like 200 to 400 years old, and there are structures dating back to 750 AD built by the Pueblo Indians in Utah and Colorado, but OK. Let’s ask something different. Recently you were criticizing American’s for still being upset about 9/11. Have you changed your opinion on this? [Paltrow] No, American’s are selfish. I find the English Amazing how they got over 7/7 (2005 London Bombings). There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. Here in America, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist. [Micah] Uh, as horrible as the London bombings were, there were 52 dead compared to 3,000 dead in the 9/11 attacks. Outside of the fact they were both terrorist actions, do you really think they compare as the same? [Paltrow] Well in my mind they do. It is just so much better in Europe. In Europe, we have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, how Danish zoo’s kill and feed extra Giraffes to the Lions, then kill an excess female Lion to do a live dissection in front of small children, literature, and they great excesses most American’s live by. Here in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, “Oh, My, God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?” and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe. I love America too, but it is just a more adolescent culture. [Micah] Yeah, OK, good luck with that. I personally love Air Conditioning, free refills, Ice, Clothes Dryers, free public restrooms, and the ability to not have every conversation be a pretentious bore, but your way is good to. [Paltrow] Hey, I am in a hurry to get out of here and get on with my important life, so do you mind if I just do this review? [Micah] Go for it. [Paltrow] I’ve got a visiting Italian Chef coming in tonight so I need to get this going. Here is your week 7 picks for the World League of Football.

 

 

Pride: In the Name of Love (2 – 4) VS. Rock you like a Hurricane (or Typhoon) (2 – 4)

 

At 2 and 4 there is no room for error for these teams. Kadena has no TE and only got .95 from Baldwin on Thursday night. But the Prides are missing Forte, Peyton, and Jeffery on the bye, and Fitzgerald is a bit banged up. Fat, drunk, and starting Alex Smith is no way to go through life son.

 

Pacific Tempests by 9

 

 

Noche Brilla (by Ombre) (4 – 2) VS. Psycho Killer, Ques’que C’est (4 – 2)

 

Now, for two teams headed in the right direction. Both have minor players on the bye, but no real issues other than DeSean Jackson still out. With Gates back and Martavis Bryant possibly becoming that WR 1 for St. Mihiel, this is actually a pretty even matchup. Thursdays results seeing the Seahawks get 7.5 points vs. Jimmy Graham getting only 1.55 tips this to the Ombres.

 

Connards très forts by 2

 

 

Who Spilt My Beer ? (the Adicts) (3 – 3) VS. Let Me Sail, Let Me Sail, on the Orinoco Flow (2 – 4)

 

Somehow Germany is on the precipice of qualifying for the play-offs, and Orinoco is not. Under reasonable circumstances, The River Leeches should run away with this. But Maclin has not yet cleared concussion protocol (the Chiefs are expecting him to), Allen has missed the last two practices with a hip flexor, Lacy is on the bye, and Foster is once again dealing with a hammy issue. And even though Roethisberger is not yet ruled out for this week, the Steelers are preparing Landry Jones. Flacco does not rate over too many QB’s in the league, but Hoyer is one of them. C.J. Anderson is on the bye, but so what? That may be a good thing for Germany. With Barnidge tearing it up lately, you gotta give this one to the Nazis.

 

Beer Bongs by 3

 

 

Calm Like a Bomb (1 – 5) VS. Doth I Protest Too Much (Alanis Morissette) (3 – 3)

 

The Sake Bombers are probably not going to make the playoffs. The Protesters are squarely on the bubble. Unfortunately for the Protesters, they have a bad week with Thomas, Crosby, and Cutler on the bye. Contrast that with no known bye week issues or injury issues (except of course Tony Romo) and the fact that Marshawn Lynch finally decided to show up with 9.1 points on Thursday and this tilts to the Sake Bombers.

 

Japanese Bar Hoppers by 12

 

 

Golden Rod (Blondie) (0 – 6) VS. Radioactive (1 – 5)

 

This is either the battle for the basement or Commissioners on parade. Whatever the call, these teams suck. The Isotopes are dealing with injuries to Odell Beckham (Questionable) and Robinson. The Blagojeviches counter with A.J. Green, the Denver Defense, and McManus on the bye. Advantage Chel’yabinsk.

 

Isodopes by 7

 

 

[Keep It Off] My Wave (3 – 3) VS. Got You By The Balls (AC/DC) (3 – 3)

 

Welcome to the world of the Mediocre. Two teams, both playoff capable, but both needing to step it up at this point. Sudan had a bad Thursday night getting 2 points from Hyde and 1.95 from Boldin. Pyongyang has Brees with a good matchup, a very hot Freeman and Edelman, and Julius Thomas healthy now. If Antonio Brown had Roethisburger to throw to him, this is a walkover. Still this adds up to serious Ball Deflation.

 

Tom Brady’s Favorite Balls by 11

 

 

Stuntin’ Like My Daddy (Birdman & Lil’ Wayne) (5 -1) VS. Freedom Overspill (Steve Winwood) (5 -1)

 

The Battle of the Bandy Sister Beaus! Both 5 and 1, both leading their respective Divisions! This is the first of our Division leader showdowns, and it is a doozy! The Taliban has Jeremy Hill on the Bye and T.J. Yeldon questionable. Wellington counters with Jamaal Charles out for the season. Yikes.

 

Hate the Freedom by 10

 

 

Are you Going to San Francisco? (6 – 0) VS. Batdance (Prince) (4 – 2)

 

This would be a titanic matchup, except for one thing. Green Bay bye week. Would should the 6 – 0 team get the biggest schedule break of the season? Who the hell knows. What it does mean, no Aaron Rodgers, no Randall Cobb, and no Giovanni Bernard. How does this impact the Mules? No James Jones. So it is Steve Smith for Jones, vs. Kirk Cousins for Rodgers and Crabtree for Cobb. Ouch many times over.

 

Alpacas at Sea by 20

 

 

That is all I have time for, I have to jet back to London tonight, so I am sure it was a pleasure for all of you to hear from me. Good day.

 

Well that was Gwyneth Paltrow everyone. Just bask away in her overly self-important glory. Good luck with week 7 in the WLOF!MicahSub Commish

 

WEEK 8 Matchup Review:

Greetings fellow WLOF’ers and welcome to week 8! Halloween parties caused a delay in the posting of our review for you, but don’t let that stop the complete knowledge bomb that is coming your way! So far, our celebrity prognosticators have gone a better than average 29 – 27 for the first 7 weeks. But this is due to Bruce Vilanch going 6 and 2, and Youyou Tu going 7 and 1. Otherwise it has been a un-Nostradamus like 16 – 24 for the rest of our group. Here to land another big week for our Celebrity panel is renowned anti-feminist conservative and ERA opposition leader Phyllis Schlafly! Phyllis, have at it!

 

Thank you very much Micah. I love to watch the NFL like many of you do, but you know, Congress really should hold hearings of Fantasy Football. With the new form of gambling (bad, bad, bad you heathens!) that has suddenly appeared in America, and the outfits raking in the money claim that what they’re doing is perfectly legal. In the last four years, two recently formed companies, DraftKings and FanDuel, have collected billions from the mostly young men who place bets on their smart phones on what’s called “Fantasy Football”. What is it this World League exactly does? Do you own teams like the NFL? [Micah] errrr, uhhh, well, it is something like that Mrs. Schlafly. [Phyllis] Well how wonderful! Employing people is an important part of our economy so your group of owners is doing a wonderful service for America unlike the heathens who simply gamble on sports. Let me begin my assessment of this week’s matchups.

 

 

Gay Pride Asses (6 – 1) VS. Democracy Later! (5 – 2):

 

Why is it good that women make less than men? Because women like to marry a man who makes more than she does, so then she can take time off and work fewer hours when she has something she’d rather do like have a kid and look after her children. So the pay gap, really, is something women like. It helps offset all the damage to the family unit being done by the gay community. Speaking of gay, is this the biggest matchup of the year in the World League of Football? Maybe. The leagues two top scoring teams face off. Brady gets the edge over Eli. Ivory and Woodhead beat out C. Johnson. Marshall and Cooks lose out to Julio, Hopkins, and Diggs. But Gronk is the capper. Although I find homosexuals to be a disease of the American society, I am going to go with the Gayness.

 

Mule Man Meat by 5

 

 

Winless Imprisoned Ex Illinois Governors (0 – 7) VS. Improper Protesting People (4 – 3):

 

Trick or Treat! Many Americans are stocking up on treats for neighborhood children in scary costumes, but you may want to think twice before opening the door to strangers this Halloween. That same weekend, October 30 to November 2nd, the Obama administration plans to release 6,000 felons from federal prison. Speaking of felonies, while not mathematically eliminated, the 7th loss for the imprisoned ex Illinois Democratic Governor brings an end to any playoff hopes for the Blagojeviches. That’s what you get for trusting a Democrat. But Luck is better! Maybe Alfred Blue will provide a worthwhile 2nd RB. Seferian-Jenkins may finally give Springfield a decent TE. No bye week for A. J. Green! Bah! Martin, Thomas, Megatron rounding back to form, and a Cutler with all his weapons back should win the day.

 

Shut up and go HOME! by 4

 

 

Lying with the Lions (2 – 5) VS. Serial Killing Wisconsinites (5 – 2):

 

It’s really dangerous for a guy to go to college these days. He’s better off if he doesn’t talk to any women when he gets there. The feminists are perfectly glad to make false accusations and then claim all men are capable of some dastardly deed like rape. Speaking of dangerous, or really not very dangerous, Nairobi went from pre-season darling to pile of carnivorous mammal poop. Blame Peyton Manning and a whole series of Colts. Forte off the bye week and Alshon coming back will be helpful, but a series of unfortunate draft picks won’t win against the likes of Le’Veon Bell, Matt Ryan, and Jimmy Graham. This one goes to Kawishiwi. (Post Sunday note; damn, sucks about Bell. Cereal. No joke.)

 

Those Nutty Murdering Nutsacks by 9

 

 

Muddy Waters (4 – 3) VS. Is that Attached to My Penis? (3 – 4):

 

Every country that has experimented with women in actual combat has abandoned the idea, and the notion that Israel uses women in combat is a feminist myth. So Lindsay, I just saved you from the military. You’re welcome. So these two teams are squarely on the bubble. Neither has room for missteps. Don’t look now, but Dez Bryant has been practicing this week and may be available. Don’t look later as Ben Roethisberger is also looking to return this week. So who to go with? I gotta tell ya, Cam Newton is heating up and Forsett has 4 straight weeks with 5 plus points. But Witten has disappeared and Hyde is nursing a stress fracture in his foot. On the flip side, Keenan Allen is getting lots of action and Lamar Miller broke out last week. But Eddie Lacy found a pile of his own feces, smelled it, like it, smeared it all over his glistening naked body, and ran free through the meadows of Wisconsin. While this is common for Packer players, his on field performance has simply sucked balls for being the first pick in the draft. Couple this with the rest of the River Leech starters lack of anything resembling a starter’s performance, and this one (Barring a 20 point return of the Roethlisberger) is going to Sudan.

 

The Wave that did not Behave by 5

 

 

Despotic Under Inflation (3 -4) VS. Home is Where the Gestapo is (3 – 4):

 

By getting married, the woman has consented to sex. What I am defending is the real rights of women. A woman should have the right to be in the home as a wife and mother. Like the owner of this Communist Pyongyang team, Amy? [Micah] um, that’s my wife Phyllis. [Schlafy] Oh wonderful! So she is at home with your children? [Micah] um, no, she actually has a really good career at Carle hospital. [Schlafy] Well, maybe you should sit down and have a talk with her! [Micah] I am sure we will [not] be having that conversation in the near [not] future Mrs. Schlafly. [Schlafy] Well that is wonderful. To the upcoming matchup of 3 and 4 teams, this may be an elimination battle. Loser is at 5 losses and will have no margin for error. Winner is on the bubble. Neither starting QB (Brees and Flacco) is winning weeks. Pyongyang has a core of Freeman, Edleman, Ladarius Green, and (with Roethlisburger back) Antonio Brown taking on the German core of Copper, Barnidge, and Starks. With Julius Thomas on the bye, there is no good option at WR2 for Pyongyang. But Starks is injured, and with bye weeks, you are looking at the only option of….C.J. Anderson. Germany has only feces to fling at the matter so hold of the firing squads in North Korea. (Post Sunday note: Damn Brees, you filthy animal!)

 

Supreme Leader’s Testicles by 6

 

 

Goons and Typhoons (3 – 4) VS. Tough Boys with French Horns (5 – 2):

 

I am so sick and tired of all the leftist activity on campuses. Many professors are Marxists or other varieties of radicals who hate America. Just like many celebrities. Almost all idiots. So many of my fellow celebrities have picked against the Tough Ombres and so many have been wrong. Looking at this week, the Ombres are at home with the French crowd. They have the 2nd best QB in the league in Rivers, Martavius Bryant with the possibility of Roethlisburger throwing to him, and some nice pieces in Khiry Robinson, Jones, and the Seahawks. But McCoy is on the bye, Williams will lose even more touches to Dez Bryant’s return, and Gates is gimpy. For Kadena, you have Bradford on the bye (possibly a blessing) so Winston will be in. Sanders is a bit gimpy as is Peterson. Bennett will be back this week and Hilton finally blew up last week. This is just a close one. But I am not betting against those Tough Ombres.

 

French Freaking Fuckwads by 1

 

 

Sucky Bombers (1 – 6) VS. Isodopes (2 – 5):

 

Men should stop treating feminists like ladies, and instead treat them like the men they say they want to be. Just like the Isotopes do. The Isotopes are hot! Not because they are overtly radioactive (is that code for something?) but they have actually won 2 out of 3! They roll into this week with Robinson and the Eagles on the bye, and Beckham and Kelce a bit banged up. But I would not bet against Beckham! Wilson, the #1 pick remains on the bench in favor of Carson Palmer (good call!) Hokkaido just lost the season with Romo’s clavicle. Marshawn Lynch has been terrible, but is showing signs of life. Golden Tate has been in a season long golden shower. Michael Floyd has been his shower mate, but come on last week. With Vincent Jackson out, Mike Evans could be up for a big week! But McCown verses the Cardinals is bad. And facing Gurley verses… anyone, is also very bad.

 

Russian Radioactive Retards by 2

 

 

Dirigible Dwelling Stuntmen (6 – 1) VS. Knights Who Say, “I’m Batman” (5 – 2):

 

So last week, Gwyneth picked the other division leaders to beat both these teams. She was so wrong. She should be at home taking care of her husband instead of trying to pick WLOF winners. Crazy bitch. Dublin wins its 2nd in a row WITHOUT AARON RODGERS! Wellington counters with its 5th win in a row. So technically, if the playoffs were week 7 and 8 with the top four teams, here is your WLOF Superbowl XVIII matchup. But it is not the Superbowl yet. Wellington has three bench players on the bye, but no real issues. Adams may be back to counter Rodgers as well! A hot Ingram and Ebron bode well. But the Dolphins face New England this week, so Mathews and the Dolphins Defense may not be the best plays. Dublin counters with a return of Rodgers and Cobb. And Murray. And Landry off a two TD day. And Olsen. Gonna have to give this to the Knights.

 

Brooding Batman Wannabes by 18

 

 

There it is everyone. Finally, some decent analysis. Good day to you all.

 

Thank you Phyllis for that wonderful review and congratulations on your 91st birthday. Still going strong! That is it this week from World League of Football Headquarters. Tune in next week for our week 9 review. Until then, may the bye weeks be ever in your favor.

 

 

 

 

WEEK 9 Matchup Review:

Greetings fellow WLOFers and welcome to our Week 9 preview.  We have 5 weeks left until the playoffs and things are getting exciting!  Well, there are a couple of teams that may not be excited, but 14 out of 16 teams have the chance to make a push right now to lock down playoff spots.  So this week, we bring in Comedian Jim Gaffigan to make sense of Week 9 in the World League of Football.  Jim, you have the floor:

 

Thanks Micah!  I feel right at home being around extremely white chubby people.  They are my people.  I love to be lazy and I love to eat.  You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."  Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."  Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

 

I now have 5 kids, and you would think coming from a big family of 9 kids might have hit the brakes.   Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.  You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.  I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

 

Oh course, my favorite thing in the world, is food.  You thought I was going to say family, but nope, it’s food.  Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.  I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."  Eating out is also very tough for me.  Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Let’s see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese?  'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no, you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."  I love this country.  I would also love to start the review, because if I don’t, I am just going to get hungry again and we will have to delay this further.  To the review!

 

 

 

Go, Go Blow your Goat Eviches (1 – 7) VS. ISIS is the Nicest (6 – 2):

 

Hey, you ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hmm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.  I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there.'  Tedd, Micah wanted me to relay that to you, not sure why.  Why is an interesting question.  As in why conduct a major trade with an opponent that you are playing the next week?  Why not I guess.  From Springfield’s perspective, your 1 and 7 so who the heck cares?  But from the Taliban’s perspective, you are taking that Luck”y” guy who is playing the Broncos this week, and trying to beat that ‘ole such and such Eli with his 6 TD performance.  Throw in Jeremy Hill and the chance for Eli and Hill to exact revenge for their sudden trade is a real possibility.  It also seems that Sefarian-Jenkins will finally be healthy and Deangelo Williams getting the RB 1 role for Pittsburgh makes Springfield a much tougher obstacle than normal.  Throw in the 5 bye week players which include Chris Johnson, Gillmore, Hauschka, and Deandre Hopkins and this makes what should be a blowout an interesting game.  Get real.  T.J. Yeldon and Julio Jones will make sure this result is a hot scalding disaster for the Blagojeviches.  Hot Pockets!
 

Terrorists in Turbans by 6

 

 

 

Who’s Dog Do You Glue? (4 – 4) VS. Crazy Little Ship of Mules (6 – 2):

 

I have a lot of white friends.  I like them, but they’re obsessed with trying to convince me that they aren’t racist.  Last week one of them told me he couldn’t possibly be prejudiced because, as he put it, “I always tip delivery men and cab drivers.”  Another one is constantly bringing up the time she hooked up with two Indian guys in the same night.  According to someone else who was there, it was actually the same guy, just an hour apart.  Apparently he wasn’t wearing a hat the second time.  I need different friends.  Ouagadougou needs to hope the bye weeks are friendlier going forward.  This is that tough out of division matchup where you want to be at full strength, but Charles Johnson, Nate Washington, and Cecil Shorts are all on the bye.  This means that Kenny Britt and a 2 TE set are in the works for this week.  Doug Martin, Demaryius Thomas, and Jay Cutler (or Tannehill) are all still available, so all is not lost.  But other than Brandon Marshall being gimpy and the Cardinal Defense on the bye, San Francisco is a full strength.  Defense is optional this week as the Protesters offer the Bucs Defense against the Giants who put up 49 last week, while the Ship of Mules offer up the Cowboys against the Eagles.  The Mules are projecting out at an average of 60.60 points with the Cardinals Defense out, so tough to go any other direction.  Mule Pocket.

 

Dominant Dromedaries by 14

 

 

 

When you Wish Upon a Murdering Psycho (4 – 4) VS. Rubber Sudan, Rubber Sudan Man (4 – 4):

 

Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that sandwich. Now, get your brother Reuben.'  Dave and Jon.  Two friends doing battle in an incredibly important game.  Both at 4 – 4, Kawishiwi and The Sudan are both needing to pick up 3 wins minimum with just 5 weeks left.  The loser here is really going to be in a bad spot.  Both teams are suffering from injuries and bye week issues.  This may be a low scoring affair.  For the Killers, Jimmy Graham is on the bye, Kendall Wright is doubtful, and Desean Jackson and Dion Lewis are limited in practice and questionable.  Let’s not even go there with Le’Veon Bell.  On the plus side, Matt Ryan and the Falcons may get healthy against the 49ers and Lewis and Hillman are not bad options at RB.  For the Tsunami, Forsett is on the bye, and Dez Bryant might as well be injured with Romo still out.  Same for Witten.  Also, Carlos Hyde is not looking like he will be playing, nor will Anquan Boldin.  You have only one RB, and that is Kendall Gaskins with a grand total of 23 yards from scrimmage.  Yikes.  Will either team get 30 points this week?  This comes down to QB play and the nod goes to Cam Newton over Matt Ryan.  But the margin here is razor thin.  Lean Pocket.

 

Will the Wave Behave? by 2

 

 

 

Loco in Orinoco (4 – 4) VS. You’re not Fat but I’d be Lion (3 – 5):

 

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’  Is it time to say goodbye to one of these teams?  Again, another possible elimination game type of matchup.  The loser is in dire straits.  More so if Nairobi loses.  A Pride loss means they have to win out.  Simple as that.  A River Leech loss is almost as devastating as they have to face the Mules once again with little to no margin for error.  So who survives?  With Keenan Allen gone and Maclin on the bye, Orinoco is going to rely heavily on Willie Snead being healthy (he missed practice on Wednesday) and Donte Moncrief’s ability to hopefully get more than 18 yards this week against a Denver defense.  Is Ben Roethlisburger ready to kick it up a notch against a hot Raiders squad?  Will Eddie Lacy be able to run against the Panthers?  Will Lamar Miller not crap himself running against Buffallo?  Bad matchups for all.  But things are not all rosy for the Pride either.  Andre Johnson did not practice yesterday and is also facing Denver.  Larry Fitzgerald is on the bye.  So is Alex Smith, and with Peyton Manning nursing a neck and shoulder issue (but having a good matchup in the Colts) it is not all butterflies and kumquats for Nairobi (this is a saying right?)  Alshon Jeffery does have a good matchup against the Chargers and with Forte out, may be set for a big week.  But the thought process here is too much rapist with the Roethlisburger.  Bumblebee boy will bring this through.  Diarrhea Pocket.

 

Attached Annelids by 11

 

 

 

Chilly Albinos Receiving Radiation (3 – 5)  VS. Smellington Sunning….You get the idea (6 – 2):

 

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'  No more moving cities for Chel’yabinsk.  As crunch time comes into play for Chel’yabinsk, they have a suddenly hot team with no wiggle room.  This fact has caused them to have to make moves, leading to Marcus Mariota starting at QB this week.  He is lucky to be starting against New Orleans.  Palmer, Kelce, and Charcandrick West are all on the bye, but Gurley, Beckham, and Tyler Eifert are not.  Tarl is in turmoil as he just needs to secure 2 more wins to be safe.  But Stafford and Ebron on the bye week leaves him with Robert Woods in his starting lineup, and worse, Blake Bortles against the Jets.  Marquis Colston did get his first TD and 100 yard week last week, but lots of things need to break right for the Stunts.  If they do, the Isotopes are in trouble.  If they don’t, watch out for the ‘topes as they heat up.  (Post Thursday Night Note: 3 TD’s from Eifert pretty much confirms this prediction.  Poisoned Radioactive Pocket.)

 

Rope-a-Topes by 12

 

 

 

Just Get Drunk you Krauts (3 – 5) VS. Singing in the 150 plus MPH Rain (4 – 4):

 

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.  Tim, turn off the lights.  Why fight it Tim?  This just ain’t gonna happen.  Gotta win now for Germany, but Joe Flacco is on the bye.  So is it Taylor or Bridgewater?  And will C.J. Anderson put up more than 3.3 points?  He did last week.  Cooper, Barnidge, Austin, Watson.  These guys need to show up in spades (Thursday note:  Did not happen for Barnidge).  Kadena has Doug Baldwin and the Chiefs on the bye, but these are the backups to the Patriots and Emmanuel Sanders.  Sanders is Probable but a bit gimpy.  Hilton has the Broncos.  But Jameis Winston may end up the answer for the Sam Bradford shitfest, and Adrian Peterson and Jonathan Stewart are just hard core.  Throw in Bennett getting a matchup with throw happy Chicago against the Chargers and Tim, this ain’t happening.  Death Pockets.

 

Take this Storm and Shove it by 17

 

 

 

Frenchy Frenchy Frenchy Frenchers (5 – 3) VS. Those Commie Bastards! (4 – 4):

 

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?  Hey that makes sense to me.  What also makes sense is that Doug and St. Mihiel can’t rest.  They need to finish things here.  Unfortunately they are running into a team that may be hitting on all cylinders again.  Brees looks healthy.  Julius Thomas may finally be ready to go.  Antonio Brown finally has his QB back.  And at 4 and 4, there is no screwing around for Pyongyang.  Yes, Rivers does draw the Bears this week so he could be poised for a 500 yard, 4 TD performance.  Bryant and McCoy are ready.  But Gates and Hurns are not fully healthy, and with Romo out, Terrence Williams is useless.  Thursday Night results of Tough Ombre Marvin Jones getting 3.9 points and the Bengals getting 4.5 for the Ball Deflators are both good and pretty much a wash.  With the Seahawks on the bye, do you trust the Saints Defense?  It’s time for Kim Jung-Un’s favorite food… Cheese Pockets.

 

Communists like to deflate things by 5

 

 

 

Irish eyes are Smiling, but the rest of me is Dark and Brooding (6 – 2) VS. I think I’m Turning Japanese I really Think So (1 – 7):

 

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'  I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.  And it is tough to get a date in a diverse city looking like I do.  I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.  Now for the blowout of the week.  Who is Hokkaido putting in at QB?  McCown is out, Romo is still a Homo, and the only other option on the bench is… Brandon Weeden?  Is he even playing anymore?  Add to that Marshawn Lynch, Tate, Michael Floyd, and the Kicker Catanzaro are all on the bye.  Wow.  Who is going to start here?  Darren McFadden, a gimpy Ryan Matthews, 2 TE’s and Mike Evans.  Wow again.  I could say, blah blah blah Rodgers and Cobb against the Panthers, blah blah blah Olsen, blah blah blah Murray, Landry, and Bernard is getting fewer carries, but why bother?  This may be the bye week slaughter of the season.  Mike, remember, we love you.  Take it like a man.  A man who had someone stomp a mud hole in his ass and walk it dry.  Molested Pockets.

I’m Batman by 38

 

That’s all I’m going to review!  Hot Pockets!

Thank you Jim and thanks to all our WLOF owners.  Good luck Week 9!

Micah

Sub Commish

WEEK 10 Matchup Review

Greetings fellow WLOF’ers and welcome to the Week 10 Matchup Review for the World League of Football. Last week, Jim Gaffagin came in and nailed it. Our first perfect pick week as Jim went 8 and 0. It’s like we have a bunch of 3 – 5 or 4 – 4 weeks, then whamo! Someone hits it out of the park! This week we have from Animal Planet the star of the show “Call of the Wildman”, the Turtleman himself, Ernie Brown Jr. Ernie, it is great to have you here!

 

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEEEE!  Micah, LIVE ACTION!  Yeeeeeeeeehaw it is sure is good to be here in Illinoize!  [Micah] Well Ernie, are you excited about this year’s episodes on “Call of the Wildman”?  [Turtleman] Well sir, I ain’t sure if we will be filmin’ or not.  We had some legal troubles and such.  [Micah]  Did this have anything to do with the MotherJones.com article stating that many of your scenes were staged, such as having a venomous non-native snake show up in a public pool in Danville Kentucky?  Or the abuse of animals behind the scenes leading to the deaths of bats and a baby raccoon?  Or the threat of having your Nuisance Wildlife Control Operator permit revoked for handling cervids, including white tailed deer, which is illegal in Kentucky?  Or complaints filed with the Animal Welfare Act by PETA and the Wildlife Protection for Humane Society of the United States of America in regards to the handling of animals on set?  [Turtleman]  Errrr….uuhhhhh…LIVE ACTION!  Let’s git to the review!:

 

 

Hokkaido Suck Bombers (1 – 8) VS. Good German Queers (3 – 6):

 

All my life I only met one girl, in ’87. We stayed together for 14 years. Her name’s Debbie. We had two kids. She left me ’cause I got my teeth knocked out with a chainsaw. Then I had a truck wreck that busted them up again. Broke my jaw. And, uh, then I was building a building that had a big tank at the bottom that blowed up and it threw a wrench through the roof and hit me in the mouth again, that’s why I got those stitches right there. It knocked my bottom teeth out. I still got the bottom ones. Debbie left me. She said, “I’m not being married any longer to a guy that’s got no teeth.” I didn’t take her seriously, but evidently she was serious.  What also is serious is the fact neither one of these here clubs is going postseason!  So this is just for shits and giggles!  Them there Sake Bombers aint got no TE with Fleener on the bye.  Is he done gonna play McFadden, or go with Tate, Evans, and Floyd?  That all aint worked out much good for ‘em.  Them German guys has Flacco with a good matchup, Starks with a good matchup, Cooper with a  good matchup, Barnidge with an OK matchup, well shit.  You get the ideer.  LIVE ACTION!

 

Hitler Youth by 4

 

 

St. Mihiel Tough Omelets (5 – 4) VS. Wellington Running Runts (6 – 3):

 

Key to a good relationship?  Respect each other.  Have fun. And have live action.  YEYEYEYEYEYE!! Now this here is some LIVE ACTION!  2 teams needin’ a win.  I think St. Mihiel is the needier of the two.  They is off to a good start getting’ them 7.95 points from LeSean McCoy.  That’s a good start!  Problem is, they should really be called the St. Mihiel Tough Rivers, as Phillip Rivers is carrying this team.  And he is on the bye.  Matt Cassel for the win?  Wellington is sittin’ with Bortles having a good matchup (no pass defense in Baltimore), Ingram against them Redskin fellers, and, well not much else.  This is gonna be a close one, but I be thinkin’ them Wellington boys get this one even with a good week from Shady.  LIVE ACTION!

 

Smellington by 2

 

 

Pyongyang Shriveled Testicles (5 – 4) VS. Chel’yabinsk U239 (4 – 5):

 

I hate skunks!   I get sprayed every time!  I’ve took so many tomato baths and vinegar baths, I think I’ve worked off my hair!  There is a smell in the air for these two teams, and that be missin’ them thar playoffs!  With Dublin still on the schedule, this may be must win for the Isotopes.  But issues they must overcome, Palmer facing the Seahawks, Beckham facing New England, and Drew Brees.  Good news for them Isotopes, no Devonta Freeman.  Of course that’s bad news for Pyongyang.  Gurley is a bit banged up, but has a good matchup against them thar Bears, LIVE ACTION!  But Antonio Brown just came off a 248 yard passing performance, and as long as it is Landry and not Vick this week, thar is just too much Ball Deflation.  LIVE ACTION!

 

Tom Brady’s Nutsacks by 5

 

 

Kadena Buffoons (5 – 4) VS. Dublin Dark Nitwits (7 – 2):

 

I do keep some of the turtles for the winter. I have pet ones, and the little ones I keep and feed them until they’re big enough to be released back into the wild.  Just like these here boys!  Kadena comes in on the good side of .500 and needs a win.  Dublin comes in pretty much locked into the playoffs and just needs to not have any injuries.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I gotta love a team with a kicker named Coons.  LIVE ACTION!  But T.Y. is on the bye, Emmanuel’s ankle is not feelin’ well, and Dublin, well shit.  They is Dublin.  Rogers, Cobb, Olsen, all good matchups this week.  Oh, and 9.5 points from the Bills Defense on Thursday night.  Too much of a Dublin thing.  This is the lock of the week.  LIVE ACTION!

 

Batman Wannabes by  16

 

 

San Francisco Shit of Fools (7 – 2) VS. Nairobi Slides (3 – 6):

 

I am always calculating how to catch an animal. If I get striked at, then I didn’t calculate it right. When I grab, I’ve calculated it. But every animal is different, so every technique is different. People think it’s fake, but it’s completely real. Some things you can’t grab.  A bobcat was the hardest thing. I’m trying it out, but I got scared. It attacks. I think I can do it, because I did catch it, but it took a holy amount of strength to get it into the cage. It totally ripped my jacket off.  Speakin’ of animals that is hard to grab, how about a brother on brother matchup?  YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEE!  LIVE ACTION!  Brock is in, Blake, probably is not.  So this is just fer pure braggin’ rights!  Brock done did get him 5.75 for Chris Ivory and 4.15 for Brandon Marshall on Thursday.  But he still has the Brady/Gronk show, and Cooks has had 2 good weeks with a hot QB against a bad team.  And Demarco Murray just came off his biggest week of the year.  Blake does have a hot Alshon Jeffery, but he has the Rams.  Andrews has been named the workhorse back.  In Tennessee.  Larry Fitzgerald has the Seahawks this week.  And Peyton Manning has a bad foot.  Just not seeing the love fer the Prides.  BROTHER ON BROTHER LIVE ACTION!

 

Ass Attack by 3

 

 

Orinoco Liver Bleaches (5 – 4) VS. Ouagadougou Pro Testes (4 – 5):

 

Woo-hoo. I’ve been getting hurt on these animals. They ain’t so hard to catch, but they’ve never been caught by hand. Some of them haven’t. … I got them and put them in their place. Woo-hoo! It’s live action.  It is Lindsay and Jason with Live Action!  They may be friends, but not this week!  Them River Leeches had them a big win last week!  Lindsay just needs to go 2 out of 4 to get in.  Jason Bowen and that thar Ooogabooga team are in a more needy mode.  They need to win 3 times down the stretch here.  It’s a rattle battle YEYEYYEYYEYYEYYEYYEYYYEEE!  The good things for Lindsay; Langford has been solid filling in for Forte.  Snead same thing for Allen.  And Miller has had two big weeks out of the last three.  Bad things; Roethlisburger comes back…and is out again.  Back to Brian Hoyer.  Snead is gimpy but did practice Friday.  Langford is going up against them Rams.  Maclin against them Broncos.  And Eddie Lacy has disappeared.  Again.  Ooogabooga does have Cutler against the Rams, but Doug Martin is going against the Cowboys, and the receiving corps of Thomas, Calvin Johnson, and Nate Washington is pretty tough to topple.  Much needed win goin’ to them Ooogabooga folks.  LIVE ACTION!

 

May Way or the Highway by 2

 

 

Taliban Bikini Haters (7 – 2) VS. The Kawishiwi wow that’s a nice van and OH MY GOD HE HAS A KNIFE! (4 – 5):

 

The wild bull hog I just did. It knocked my shoulder out of socket there, and I had to get Banjoman (Neal James) to pop it back in place. It just now stopped hurting this week.  Will the hurting ever stop for these two teams?  Mike Norris, Andrew Luck trade, that was LIVE ACTION!  Andrew Luck himself?  NO ACTION!  He is an evil sorcerer who kills people with his injured Kidneys!  He is a bad man.  That means Hasselbeck and Landry Jones until the playoffs for Mike.  On the flip side, life without Le’Veon Bell is tough for the Killers.  Mike is at least in the playoffs for all intents and purposes, but Dave has a lot of work to do with no wiggle room.  David Carr is a great bye week QB, probably a better play in many cases now than Matt the disappearing act Ryan.  Hillman is gimpy, and Ginn can’t hang onto the ball.  Flip side, Yeldon, Hopkins, and Diggs are all poised for good weeks.  Throw in 7.25 points from Decker (who dropped the first down that would have given the Jets a chance) and Mike may make a Lucky win without Luck.  LIVE BUT INJURED ACTION!

Bring your Burnoose by 2

 

 

Springfield Blow All the Bitches (1 – 8) VS. Sudan Sued Mommy? (5 – 4):

 

My young memories was how I got started in hunting and stuff. I seen Rolling Stone magazine on my grandma’s table. We were eating breakfast that morning, and I asked them, ‘What’s this?’ They go, ‘That’s the Rolling Stone magazine.’ I say, ‘Wow, I want to be on there.’ They thought it was a cool thing. I think it’s so cool. They said, ‘Well, Khrushchev’ – they always called me Khrushchev, because I was bald-headed when I was a baby – and anyway, they said, ‘if you find a talent and the people love it, you’ll be on there with the Rolling Stones and you’ll be on that magazine.’ I said. ‘Well, I’m going out there looking for it.’  So I go in swamps and catch Turtles and yell LIVE ACTION!  Genius!  Springfield is like a mortally wounded Turtle.  It aint got no long-term plans, but it would live to bite yer finger!  Sudan aint dead yet, but it aint exactly sippin’ on that thar Champaign.  This is a no loss zone for Jon.  But Hyde is on the bye, so Isiah Crowell is in, along with Marquess Wilson against the Rams.  Oh, and the Giants Defense against New England?  Newton and Forsett need to be big this week.  Springfield has Seferian-Jenkins syndrome and Gore on a bye.  Gore is easily solved with Jeremy Hill and DeAngelo Williams.  But the promise of TE play finally for Springfield may be one of them thar mirages.  Cook is the backup.  This is close, but A.J. Green and Garcon against New Orleans and the Broncos Defense against K.C. tip this ever so slightly to the Crapital in the Capital.  LIVE ACTION!

Governor, time for your Anal Rape by 1

 

 

That’s all she wrote!  Thanks y’all for listenin’ and remember, LIVE ACTION!  YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYYAAAAW!

 

Thank you Turtleman, and thanks to the everyone for tuning in.  Until next week, keep your stick on the ice, and keep reaching for the stars.  Or something like that.

 

Micah

 

Sub Commish

WEEK 11 Matchup Review

Greetings WLOFers and welcome to week 11!  We are getting down to the Nitty Gritty here as all division leaders won last week.  This means that it will take 7 wins minimum to win a division, so all 3 – 7 teams (or worse) are realistically eliminated.  Four the 4 remaining wild card spots, we have 8 teams realistically vying for a spot.  Sudan is 6 – 4, there are six 5 – 5 teams, and Kawishiwi is still technically alive at 4 – 6.  I would say all 4 division leaders are in, but Tarl at 7 – 3 is still catchable.  Maybe Mike at 8 – 2 is as well by Sudan, but 8 – 5 is a lock to be in the playoffs, so the eight win teams are in.  Three weeks left and they are all divisional games!  Last week the Turtleman, Ernie Brown Jr., went 5 – 3 with his picks bringing the celebrity yearlong total to a record of 47 – 35.  Respectable.  So to bring us our week 11 picks, I give you the unstable mind of Crispin Glover.  Crispin?

 

Hey man, it’s me.  I am so much more stable man.  Than say, 10 minutes ago.  I was not very stable then, but I am now.  [Micah] Crispin, thank you for being here!  I know you just got back from your Château in the Czech Republic and a London screening of your 2007 film, “It is fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE!”   How are things currently going for you?  [Glover] Oh right!  I am dealing with many minutiae on several different levels of existence, but I suppose I am, OK.  [Micah]  Um, OK, good, good to hear.  How is the acting going?  [Glover]  Oh, man, I am not so much an actor now as an artist.  Acting is a means to an end.  I started out as an actor but now I act to fund my own productions. I've managed to separate my mindset.  I still have a reputation as an eccentric. But the fact is that audiences probably mix up my roles with me as a person.  [Micah] So do you embrace this reputation as an eccentric or…  [Glover]  Micah, Micah, Micah, Micah, man, it's like, you can't have any fun, and if you do have fun, if you do your own thing, you're considered crazy and should be in a mental institution. Now, that's what I find creepy. I'm eccentric. I am not messed up.  But there's a difference between having artistic interests and being psychotic. That's more than a fine line of differentiation, and I do see that a bit too much.  [Micah]  Are you saying you are seeing that fine line too much?  [Glover]  What line?  I don’t see any lines, man.  [Micah]  All righty then.  What prompted you to live in the Czech Republic?  [Glover]  Man, Micah, there are so many things to have a long disquisition about regarding that.  My family tree branches out in so many directions, with some roots finding their way to the Baltic States.  I had wanted to visit all countries that my great grandparents had heritage from: Germany, Sweden, England and the Czech Republic. I know that my mother's grandparents on her father's side spoke Czech, and my mother's grandparents on her father's side spoke German. My father's grandparents on his mother's side spoke Swedish and on his father's side his grandparents spoke English.  Also, when you look at the geography of the area, it is fascinating!  My chateau's official name is Zámek Konárovice. It was built in the 1600s in a quadratic structure that is basically now in a Renaissance style.  In the 1700s the chateau was resurfaced in a Baroque style. There is no question that there were much earlier structures on the same place that the chateau exists and the structure in the 1600s was built utilizing these older structures. There are complex and varied architectural styles that reflect different times and tastes.  A very interesting part of the history, which I found out only after I purchased it, was that Count Harrach was the patron to the father of Czech language opera, Bedrich Smetana. What is extra-significant is that the room I use as my office turned out to be a room in which Smetana wrote one of his operas.  I had been familiar with his music and loved some of his non-operatic work. It is a great pleasure to play his music when I am at the chateau.  But none of that’s the reason I purchased in the Czech Republic.  Do you want to know why, Man?  [Micah]  After 10 minutes with you on this, no.  No I don’t.  Maybe it is review time?  [Glover]  Yeah man!  The review!  Let’s look at the review!

 

 

Blogoholes (1 – 9) VS. Shipped Tools (8 – 2):
 

I...I...I...just want to be sure you're not reading this with, uh, any expectations, because I had a bad experience yesterday.  Let me explain.  Well, uh, this person had...read certain things about me and had heard things...like I used to have a steel examining table in my living room..." [Crispin is talking about reports that he had a gynecologist's table replete with stirrups.) "...and I just want you to know that that was just a phase...and it's over. That's not who I am anymore.  The album I've made is a remnant of that period, but personally, I'm not...I just don't want you to be looking for any kind of...you know...I will tell you about that album in a moment.  First, let me start with the first matchup to review this week.  Worst verses first!  This has the capacity to be closer than you think.  With Edelman out, New England has a tough Bills defense and a little more weakness on offense.  Brady may struggle a bit this week and Gronkowski may see continued extra attention like he has recently.  Cooks is on the bye.  And Ivory and Marshall face a rejuvenated Texan Defense.   But hey, this is the Springfield team that brought you 9 out of 10 losses.  Cook is still the TE as Sefarian-Jenkins will never heal, DeAngelo Williams is on the bye, and this team oozes disappointment. 

 

Mule meat by 3

 

 

River Bleeches (5 – 5) VS. Death Dealers (4 – 6):

 

Let me say this about the record I made.  It was in 1989 and it is called "The big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution. The Solution = Let It Be.  It's a strange brew. There are prose snippets written and read by myself. There are Crispinized versions of such songs as "These Boots Are Made For Walking," "The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze," and "Never Say 'Never' to Always," which sports lyrics by Charles Manson. There's a rap number about masturbation and a poem which hints of a love affair between myself and my rhyming dictionary. It's neither comedy nor satire. I'm not sure what it is.  All the pieces are connected by a central theme.  In each piece, there is a problem, and there's one big problem at the end. If you think you know what the problem is and you have a solution, you should call the number above [no number will be included above]. I’ve always felt good about that project.  Speaking of a project, making the playoffs for these next two teams is definitely a major project.  The first of our two do or die matchups this week, these two teams with playoff dreams come in needing a victory.  Problem is Kawishiwi is coming off a five game losing skid, thanks mostly in part to Le’Veon Bell’s absence.  Orinoco has been given every opportunity to step up and take a playoff spot, but they just can’t quite string victories together, coming off another loss.  With Roethisburger on the bye, you have a concussed Hoyer hoping to get by the protocol and play this week.  But Langford has been a stud lately, and Maclin is going against a weakened San Diego Defense so there is hope.  Flipside, Dave has DeSean Jackson back and a David Carr showdown in Detroit.  If Hoyer can play, he has the Jets.  Got to go with the healthy QB on this one.

 

Murder by Numbers by 2

 

 

Oberstgruppenführer Bräu (3 – 7) VS. [No mocking of the French due to recent tragedy] (5 – 5):

 

The first feature film I produced and directed is What Is It? I am very careful to make it quite clear that What Is It? is not a film about Down syndrome, but rather my psychological reaction to the corporate restraints that have happened in the last 30 or more years in filmmaking. Specifically, in that anything that can possibly make an audience uncomfortable is necessarily excised, or the film will not be corporately funded or distributed. This is damaging to the culture because it is the very moment when an audience member sits back in their chair, looks up at the screen and thinks, “Is this right what I am watching? Is this wrong what I am watching? Should I be here? Should I be masturbating to this?  Should the filmmaker have made this? What is it?”—and that is the title of the film.  What is this matchup?  Let’s face facts.  Tim is not going to the playoffs this year.  Doug, on the other hand, was on pace until 3 straight losses has made the issue murky.  This is simply a must win for the Tough Ombres.  Their points are still good, but they are getting beat by opponents putting up big weeks.  Rivers is back.  Huge.  McCoy is healthy, and Allan Hurns, someone we have not been talking about, has a seven game TD streak.  But one last bye week issue to survive, Martavis Bryant being out, is the question.  Germany has bye week issues of their own with both Barnidge and Watson on the bye at TE.  That puts Charles Clay into the lineup.  But Cooper is hot, and Flacco can hope the Rams Defense is as bad as it was last week against the Bears.  Close one, but Rivers on a week’s rest is the difference.

 

Remember Paris! by 1

 

 

Manhattan Project Wannabes (5 – 5) VS. Who Put this Dildo on my Bat Utility Belt?  ALFRED?!?! (8 – 2):

 

What is it that is taboo in the culture? What does it mean that taboo has been ubiquitously excised in this culture’s media? What does it mean to the culture when it does not properly process taboo in its media? It is a bad thing when questions are not being asked—these kinds of questions are when people are having a truly educational experience. . . . This stupefies culture. So What Is It? is a direct reaction to the contents of this culture’s media. I would like people to think for themselves. Of course, a more important question for society, what is Webber?  How does this impact my fantasy team?  Let’s face it.  This is 2 of the hottest teams in the league.  The Isotopes, my call to make the late season run to the playoffs based on Gurley, Beckham, West (who was inexplicably on the bench last week), and Palmer, are winners of 4 in a row after a horrific non Gurley 1 – 5 start.  Unfortunately, they are facing a Dublin team, winner of 5 in a row.  Dublin is at full strength with no injuries or bye week issues.  The Isotopes, however, have Beckham, Jennings, and Duke Johnson on the bye.  Palmer is also facing the tough Bengals Defense this week.  This was the week they are not projected to get by, and if this does come as a loss, they have to win the last two weeks and hope.  Tedd is in the playoffs, so no sweat is coming off the Batsack this week. 

 

Batcocks by 10

 

 

Asian Storm Drains (5 – 5) VS. The Air Aint There (5 – 5):

 

I was browsing through a gallery/bookstore on La Brea, and I picked up a 100-year-old book.  When I opened it, I discovered that someone had glued pictures into it.  I decided to take this one step further.  I not only added pictures, I added and deleted text.   Then I put his name on the cover.  You could call me a plagiarist in a way, but if you took all my books and read them, they'd seem more like each other than any of them would seem like the originals.  I doctored my first book seven years ago.  I’ve done 20 since.  Let me read you one.  This is a book called Rat Catching. The book was originally published in London, in 1896.  My version, [a beautifully bound edition published by Crispin’s own company, Volcanic Eruptions], was put out in 1988. The title page had not been tampered with. Indeed, I select my originals because of their odd titles.  [Note: The rest of the book, however, is filled with inked out words, inked in words, spooky squiggles, drawings of rats, pictures of rats, and pictures of diseased people who, supposedly, had been bitten by rats.]  Chapter one. In the following elementary treatise for the use of public schools, I propose following exactly the same plan as my parson (a good fellow not afraid of a ferret or a rat) does with his sermons-that is divide it into different heads, and then jumble up all the heads with the body, till it becomes as difficult to follow as a rat's hole in a soft bank...  I will continue in a moment, but this Micah guy seems to want me to get on with the Matchups.  This next matchup is the second game of two bubble teams this week.  Unfortunately, it is a crapfest.  Two teams that seemed in good shape for the playoffs a week ago are stumbling, fumbling, bumbling their way to the finish line.  Kadena has Benjamin, Heath Miller, and Coons on the bye.  They are also suffering from, “now who is throwing to my stud receiver?” syndrome in Peyton’s benching (so Osweiler to Emmanuel Sanders), and the Luckless Colts throwing to T.Y. Hilton.  At least there is Adrian Peterson and Jonathan Stewart.  Pyongyang is even more clusterfucked.  Bye weeks for Brees, Vereen, and Antonio Brown.  Yuck.  This leaves backup Nick Foles (who is benched!) and the forced play of Corey Brown and Alfred Morris.  Throw in the other weapon, Julian Edelman, out for the season with a broken foot, and this team is completely nude this week.  It only leaves Devante Freeman as a viable start.  With Atlanta collapsing, this has to favor the Typhoons.

 

Blow Me by 8

 

 

No QB’s for You! (2 – 8) VS. How the Hell are you Seven and Three? (7 – 3):

 

[Crispin proceeds to read another 3 chapters in his book.  That has been edited out for time purposes.  Crispin reads to me the way a parent might read to a child-with lots of expression, varying his voice when a new character appears, pausing to show me the pictures. I pay attention and try to follow the story, but alas, its internal logic eludes me.]  [Micah] All I can say is, your technique seems to be influenced by collage.  [This is not the response he was hoping for. He gets a tad testy and defends his writing style.] [Glover]  I think structure is very important. A good story has a beginning, a middle and an end. It has a protagonist and an antagonist.   [It's become apparent that Crispin thinks Rat Catching meets these criteria. I decide we must be living in parallel worlds.] [Micah] Crispin, how about our next matchup?  [Crispin]  OK, OK, man.  How the hell is Wellington 7 and 3?  And what the hell are they going to do this week?  Jamaal Charles is gone, Mark Ingram, Marquis Colston, and C.J. Spiller are on the bye, and Stafford sucks donkey balls.  Well, Bortles has shown signs of being relevant.  Matt Jones has had a fumble free big week, and Karlos Williams is getting carries again.  Fortunately for the Cunning Stunts, it won’t take much to pull out this week.  Hokkaido is possibly getting Tony Romo back.  Yes, they won last week (kudos!) but until Romo is officially listed off IR , there is no starting QB.  McCown is on the bye as is the Steelers Defense.  So no QB or Defense to put in.  Unless Romo is back.  Michael Floyd is day to day, and this team just is missing too much.  Wellington will overcome.  But will a Romo toilet bowl run be in the works?  Stay tuned!
 

Seriously, what the Hell? by 8

 

 

No More Nukes!  No More Nukes! (5 – 5) VS. Time to Bomb the Terrorists (8 – 2):

 

I really enjoyed working with Glen Morgan on the movie Willard. I really had to concentrate hard for that part.  It was lachrymal work, and I'm not a lachrymal person.  Contrast that to my work in Charlie’s Angels.  When I first read the Charlie's Angels script, I didn't like it. But [the director] McG said he wanted to hear my ideas. I told him I wanted my character to be silent.  It may be the most brilliant solution ever to bad writing.  The Ouagadougou Protesters will need a brilliant solution this week to tame the Taliban.  A big win for the Protesters last week puts them back on the bubble with a shot to make the playoffs.  Meanwhile, Mike and the Taliban continue to cruise to the division championship needing realistically just one more win (or a Tsunami loss) to salt it away.   But the QB issues facing the Luckless Freedom Haters loom large, especially with Manziel on the bye week.  Matt Hasselbeck will be trotted out this week so there is that.  T.J. Yeldon just got out of a walking boot for the Thursday night game so there is that.  On the good news front, Julio is back with Hopkins and Watkins for a formidable trio of wide receivers.  Ouagadougou counters with either Cutler or Tannehill, a good matchup for Doug Martin, and its own trio of Demaryius Thomas, Calvin Johnson, and Nate Washington.  The negative here is now Osweiler is Thomas’ QB, Johnson is still gimpy, and Nate is the number 2 WR behind the Taliban’s Hopkins for the Texans.  But the better QB and RB will be the difference maker.

 

Socialized Medicine!  Socialized Medicine! by 2

 

 

Hyena Haters (3 – 7) VS. Saturated Sudanese (6 – 4):

 

In the past, I’ve never tried to discount or stop what people are saying because on some levels I find it interesting.  I usually describe it as “Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are snails, salt, pipe, and how to get home, who is tormented by a hubristic racist inner psyche.”  Whatever that means.  Another surprise team that is sitting on the right side of the playoff bubble are the defending champs in Sudan who are just a win or two away from getting to the promise land.  Flip side, last year’s playoff squad from Nairobi is out of the running.  Thankfully, for Nairobi, Peyton Manning has been benched.  This forces Alex Smith to be played, which is frankly, a better option.  Jeffery, Reed, and Fitzgerald are all good plays this week for them.  But Sudan is back at full strength with Newton, Forsett, and Dez Bryant with a possible Tony Romo sighting!  Also, the move of picking up the Bears Defense seems insane, until you realize this week they are playing a Manningless Broncos offense who is struggling.  Maybe a sage move!  Give it to the Waves.

 

Flooding the Kasbah by 2

 

That’s it, remember, realism is always subjective in film.  There’s no such thing as cinema verte.  And I’m your Density.

 

Thank you Crispin!  That did take a bit longer to get through, but as always, it is a pleasure to have celebrities add their distinctive professional opinions to our World League of Football culture.  Good luck this week!

Micah

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