World League of Football

Collin Burnett was born on the mean streets of St. Joseph with a dream.  It was a very stupid dream, as most dreams are, but it was a dream nonetheless.   As a child, Collin became infatuated with Irish Dance with one viewing of Michael Flatley’s Riverdance.  Making it his life’s mission to carry on this new exciting form of Irish dancing, Burnett spent his entire teenage life dedicating himself to Irish dance.  In October of 2010, Burnett formed his own Irish dance troupe, the Lia Fáil Rhythmic Eagles.  “Lia Fáil means the Stone of Destiny or Stone of Ireland.  Not what you dumbasses think it means in English!” said Burnett.  His trouped produced the show, DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES which was accused of being a knockoff of Riverdance.  “It’s an homage you floppy assed bastards!”  Burnett was quoted.  DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES loosely tells the story of two lost children of Róisín Dubh who essentially dance ‘tween the twin lakes (or lochs) of Glendalough until everyone gets naked and dances.  It was an instant hit.  The new show outdid Riverdance, and, more recently Lord of the Dance, as spectators’ numbered in the millions due to Burnett’s insistence on only playing large stadiums and touring 275 days out of the year, putting on over 300 shows in 2015.  Burnett, owner and creator of the show, is estimated to be worth over $500 million in just 5 years.  Do to the enormous number of shows, Collin has been appearing less and less in the shows frenetic dance numbers to conserve his legs.  Critics were a bit on the fence with DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES with this review by Brian Siebert in 2015:

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Collin Burnett, center, and others in DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES, at the Lyric Theater.

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The main reason to see Collin Burnett’s DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES, which opened on Tuesday at the Lyric Theater, is to watch Collin Burnett dancing. This Irish-American step-dancing star, now 23, has announced that he will retire from performing at the end of this eight-week run, and focus on his other passion, film and Fantasy Football. The trouble is, to see Collin Burnett dancing, you have sit through a Collin Burnett show.

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This has been the problem for 5 years, since he transformed traditional Irish dance into souped-up spectacles. First came Michael Flatley’s Riverdance, followed by the knockoff Collin Burnett production DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES.  These productions have conquered the world and sold out stadiums. The current DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES (created, produced, directed and choreographed by Mr. Burnett) begins with a self-promotional video about defying naysayers to create “the biggest-selling dance show of all times.”

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Only at the very end of the production does Mr. Burnett briefly appear in person, and that makes for a long wait. But even if he were starring, there would still be a lot to endure. The production is flooded with stock-image videos of unicorns, rainbows, waterfalls and white stallions. There are flaming torches, dry-ice fog banks and wet naked dancers everywhere.  And I do mean everywhere!  In the audience, dropping down from the rafters, popping up from the stage, at the concession stand, and after the second act, everyone is bare assed naked.

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Buried within all that and spread across some 30 numbers is a feint toward drama. The ostensible hero, the Taoiseach of Róisín Dubh, loses his prize belt to a cyborg-like Dark Lord Cenél nEógain, the O'Kelly of Gallagh and Tycooly, Prince of Hy Many, and wins it back with the help of two orphaned children, a small and irritating gymnast who looks as if she were drizzled with glue and then rolled in sequins, and a blonde turnip boy played by a dancer who appears to be almost 35 once he sheds the turnip outfit, and everything else, who “sprouts” into Burnett at the end. A blond good girl fights with a brunette seductress for the hero’s affections, but don’t expect the virgin-whore dichotomy to hold. A distinguishing feature of Mr. Burnett’s universe of clichés is that the good always win by removing more clothing.

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All of this is indicative of Mr. Burnett’s rebellion against the prudishness, rules and restraint of traditional Irish dance. He took a genre of ethnic-pride competitions and small spaces (Irish dance lore is full of stories of dancing on doors taken down off their hinges or even on plates), and he blew it up and gave it mass appeal and over the top nakedness.

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The positive side of that transformation is evident from the first entrance of the Taoiseach of Róisín Dubh, the handsome James Keegan, bounding across the stage in the Burnett fashion. His terrific footwork, tripling the beat and slipping in extra sounds on the fly, is undeniably exciting. And the mass effect of martial lines of men hammering the floor in unison gives a thrill.

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Even in the show’s story, technology is both the enemy and the solution. (The Dark Lord Cenél nEógain, the O'Kelly of Gallagh and Tycooly, Prince of Hy Many, is part machine, but there are good robots, too.)  There’s little in DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES that feels truly live. You might as well be watching it on TV.

The best dancing, in fact, comes in a video, the one that starts the encore. It is Mr. Burnett multiplied, three images of him challenge-dancing one another. The sequence could almost be from a Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly movie, and if Mr. Burnett doesn’t approach their imagination and artistry, his charisma is comparable, especially to Kelly’s, selling his dance with self-love. His solo dancing has more variety than the rest of the choreography in the show, more fun. With his feet of world-record-setting speed, he grabs steps from tap dancing, flamenco, whatever he likes — he’s Collin Burnett!

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Appearing onstage in front of his cast, he does much less, but he presides with a happy, Elvis-in-Vegas swagger. Kissing the girls, shadowboxing, cheerleading, slapping everyone with his shlong, and occasionally joining in the dance, he’s a proud paterfamilias, directing attention to the dancers who will continue to populate his productions and follow the career path that he created. DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES will live on after the Lord of the Lia Fáil Rhythmic Eagles retires, but something essential will be missing. Elvis will have left the building.

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Collin Burnett may not be getting the reviews that first came out when he brought DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES to the masses, but that has not stopped the money from rolling in.  Nor has it stopped the controversy.  Burnett appeared in the inauguration ball for Donald Trump and that set many of his Irish fans into an uproar:

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“AND all we did for that fucker over the years, and he turns around and does this? Well, he can forget about coming back here again, the sweaty bollix”

This was just one statement uttered this morning by a member of the Irish population, following the news that somewhat-Irish Irish-dancing superstar Collin Burnett had agreed to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony this Friday.

Trump is currently persona non grata in Ireland, following disparaging remarks about the people who live near his Doonbeg golf resort in Co. Clare, as well as his plans to deport thousands of unregistered foreign workers in American, which would take in every second Irish person from Boston to Los Angeles.

With a full Trump boycott brewing, the news that ‘jigger with attitude’ Burnett had signed up for Friday’s event did not go down well with even the staunchest jig and reel fans.

“He’s fucking dead to us,” said the president of the Irish Burnett Fan Club, ripping posters of the DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES pioneer off the wall.

“If he wants to give a private dance to Donald trump, that’s his business, but he needn’t think we’ll be showing up for the DANCE OF THE NAKED LAKES 20th reunion tour or whatever. He’s tapped his last on Irish soil”.

Meanwhile the performer list for Trump’s ball continues to grow, with buskers from all around America currently being forced at gunpoint into the back of a van by the Secret Service.

 

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All of this negative publicity did not dissuade Burnett on his next two career paths.  The first becoming a star on the silver screen, the second buying and owning the World League of Football’s Hokkaido Sake Bombers franchise.  The bombers came up for sale for the second time in their history due to foreclosure from previous ownership.  Having suffered multiple losing seasons under Mike Hinson, the Bombers plummeted from the skies and were in receivership when Burnett swept in and moved the Japanese franchise to the shores of Guam, rechristening them the Hagatna Liberty Assassins.   In his first season of WLOF ownership, Burnett showed brilliance as he navigated the many injuries and inconsistent play of his 1st round pick, Mike Evans.  He snuck into the playoffs with waiver wire magic and a late season run, and was a Mike Evans 7 yard catch from Superbowl XX.  “That dumbass Evans!  He only needed one reception in the 4th quarter and he couldn’t produce.  Story of his season!  Jackass.”  Burnett was quoted. 

 

His other passion, directing and producing three Hollywood movies, did not meet with the same level of success.  His three films, The Day the Clown Cried, Quackster finds a Soliloquy, and the absolutely terrible film, Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo.  All three films failed to make any money (the 3 combined lost almost $127 million) and were all met with critical derision.  Here are a few reviews from these films:

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"How bad is The Day the Clown Cried? Set in Miami during spring break, it's like Grease: The Next Generation acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld." No offense, SeaWorld food-court staff.    Andrew L. Urban  - Urban Cinefile

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A user review from Amazon for Collin Burnett’s Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo: "I realize that a great many people like Collin Burnett’s performances and think he is a talented dancer, but then again there are significant numbers of people who enjoy being peed on or watching Carrot Top."        Victor Stiff  - Film School Rejects

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Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo is “An explosion in a stupid factory”            Cindy Lang  - TIME Magazine

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On The Day the Clown Cried,“Perhaps the closest Hollywood has yet come to making ‘Ow! My Balls!’ seem like a plausible future project.”         Jordan Farley  - SFX Magazine

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“Quackster finds a Soliloquy is absolute cack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison.”        Meena Iyer  - The Times of India

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“Quackster finds a Soliloquy is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience.  It doesn’t even come close to a movie like Air Bud!  That movie is hella lit in comparison.  This golden retriever goes hard in the mf paint.  Airbud out here breakin lil kids’ ankles!”         Loren King  - Tomatometer Critic

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“I have now sat through The Day the Clown Cried and I am very bitter.  I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.”               Kate Abbott  - The Guardian

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“The Day the Clown Cried has extreme violence—violence that would make Quentin Tarantino blush at times. People are decapitated, dismembered, exploded, shredded, electrocuted, ripped in half, melted, burned alive, and shot. People are attacked with guns, chainsaws, and blunt force. The violence is extremely graphic, and the audience is not spared from anything explicit.  There are numerous remarks or jokes about sexual acts, and remarks about incest and pornography. We are shown bare buttocks twice.  There is something for everyone to be offended about in this movie. It is deliberate, as the movie intends to push the limits of dark comedy and satire.  Whatever you may think about the effect of film violence on our minds, one thing is for sure: we must guard our hearts as Christians.

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“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23

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If certain types of media cause some Christians to stumble, then precautions must be taken to guard hearts in order to keep serving our Lord effectively.”              Joel Mayward  - Christianity Today

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“There are scenes in The Day the Clown Cried that defy explanation, like the voice over by the narrator when the Clown named Boom Boom Billy and his lover were running in slow motion on a beach.  The line, “Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.” says all you need to know about this film.”       Andros Pineda  - Time Out México

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“The silly insipidness of Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo is sickening and obscene. Add it all up, and what you've got here is a waste of good electricity. I'm not talking about the electricity between the actors. I'm talking about the current to the projector.”              Alex Abad-Santos  - VOX

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“All in all: The Day the Clown Cried is big fat brainless entertainment from director Collin Burnett, who takes his trademark cinematic excess to bold new heights of distended self-parody. I mean lows. I mean, is there a difference in a movie like this?”     Devon Ivie  - New York Magazine/Vulture

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"There are five stages of grief in preparing to watch The Day the Clown Cried. The first is denial that this actually exists."            Sadie Gennis  - TV GUIDE TV.com

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“In watching Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo I harken back to those famous Philosophers Bell, Biv, and Devoe who once stated “Never trust a big butt and a smile”.  I should have listened to them. This movie is indeed poison.”    Brian Quinn  - Film Ireland Magazine

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Not all the movie reviews were bad however, there were a few reviewers who found inspiration in these films:

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“A flick like a shaft of unpolluted sunshine!  Quackster is a film to warm the cockles of your heart!”   Mary Wang  - Vogue

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“What makes Quackster finds a Soliloquy interesting, to the extent that something that's so fundamentally idiotic and soul-deadening can also be "interesting," is what you might call its aesthetic and ontological ambivalence. To put that in English, Burnett doesn't seem quite sure what kind of movie he's making, or what the point of it is.”           Evan Saathoff  - Birth.Movies.Death

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“I have to admit that during the times in The Day the Clown Cried that I wasn't feeling whatever intelligence the movie was pummeling out of me being actively insulted, I did kind of enjoy the spectacle.”      Catherine Gee  - Daily Telegraph (UK)

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About Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo,“To [Burnett’s] credit, during the first hour and a half or so of this two-and-a-half-hour epic, there are several lucid stretches … At times, the chaos he creates within the film frame is so abstract and exaggerated — think of him as Action Jackson Pollock — it can feel exhilarating, but the relentlessness is exhausting.”      Lisa Babick  - TV Fanatic

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“The Jerry Lewis chromosome is running amok again inside Collin Burnett, and if you don't feel like getting clubbed half to death with a slapstick, stay away from Irish Dance Mania 2: Electric Boogaloo. On the other hand, if Burnett's tireless antics -- slithering onto nightclub tables, speaking in tongues, and all manner of rubber-faced craziness -- put you quickly into stitches, then this sometimes pointed, sometimes pointless Irish dance comedy may be just the thing.”               Collin Dray  - PopMatters

 

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Collin is nonplussed about any setbacks.  He is a forward looking and thinking individual, and his success in the WLOF more than offsets any criticism that has come his way.  “I am positioned to be one of the youngest Billionaires on the planet, and it was done doing it my way!  Negative thinking is the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.  I choose to look at the sun with or without boxes with a pinhole in it.”  Year two for Hagatna portends many positive things with the high intensity energy Collin Burnett brings to the franchise.

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